But Mostly, I Think It's the Wind.

Anxiety is a frustrating disorder. For one thing, everyone feels anxious sometimes, so those of us with genuine anxiety disorders are forever second guessing ourselves: "Is this how a 'normal' person would react in this situation," we ask, "or is my anxiety creeping in?" Often, it's hard to tell. I am definitely feeling anxious today.

But mostly, I think it's the wind.

You would not believe this wind. For days now, Billings has been nearly swept off the map by a constant, harsh, relentless wind. It's like nothing I've ever experienced, at least not continuously or for this long. Last evening, as Seth and I walked through the Albertson's parking lot, I felt compelled to grasp his hand (something he doesn't much appreciate these days) to keep him from blowing into oncoming cars. He only weighs 60 lbs., after all! Then during the night, I lay in bed listening to the rumble overhead and the clash and boom as trees hit windows over and over all around the house. Had I awakened this morning transplanted to the Land of Oz, I would hardly have been surprised.

I wanted to drive Seth to school, but he insisted on riding his bike, even in the wind. So I've been stressing for the last hour over whether he arrived safely. Surely, his weight combined with the weight of his bike would keep him planted firmly on earth, right? Hmmm. Unable to ease my fear, Gerald offered to go over to the school and make certain Seth's bike was parked safely in the bike rack. Text just in; bike is there; Seth is fine. Okay, good. Now to address other issues.

Yesterday was the first official day of my summer vacation. Grades are submitted. Outcomes assessment is complete. I'm done! Woo! Typically, this scenario would make me feel calm, relaxed, anything but anxious. Not today. Today, I look toward the next four months, still uncertain how everything will play out. Ugh! As I mentioned in an earlier post, I will be in Portland on July 10th for my niece's wedding, but I still don't have airline tickets or a definite plan. Tentatively, we're thinking of driving to Salt Lake City the day before the wedding, "we" meaning Gerald, Seth, and I. Tickets out of SLC are half the price as out of Billings, so we would fly from SLC to PDX early Saturday morning in time for the wedding. Can I afford three airline tickets even at half price? Not really. But I don't know what else to do. Sunday, Gerald and Seth would ride Greyhound up to Everett to visit Gerald's family there, and I would fly back to SLC to be with Shulamith. Tuesday, Gerald and Seth would fly out of Seattle and meet me in SLC, and the three of us would drive back to Billings Wednesday. It's a plan, yes, but only a tentative one. You'll remember that we "J" personality types like definite plans. Uh huh, my anxiety is a little high today.

But mostly, I think it's the wind.

Even as I sit here typing, I am distracted by the constant thrashing outside. It's unsettling and disconcerting. And it won't stop.

In addition to our trip to Portland, Gerald and I have been discussing the logistics of a possible trip to Costa Rica in August. That is still completely up in the air, which does nothing to ease my anxiety. I love to browse the websites showing the beautiful beaches and the amazing animal life in the canopy of the rain forest, but then I get scared. What if this doesn't work out? I'd be better off not looking at this stuff until I know for sure we will go. But how can we decide for sure if we don't look? Blah! Anxiety really sucks.

Ultimately, I think it's just been too long since I've seen Shulamith. As a rule, the two of us get together once a month, but because of various circumstances, when I go to Salt Lake City next week (!!!), it will have been a full six weeks since I last saw her. You would think those extra two weeks wouldn't make much difference, but they do. Yes, we talk every day. Yes, we have lots of contact through all different types of media. But it's not the same as being together in person.

Oh, and then there's the anniversary tomorrow of my dad's death. Never an easy day for me. Never an easy season. I guess you could say there are lots of reasons I'm feeling anxious.

But mostly, I think it's the wind.