Theodore's Themes!

So I hadn't thought to make a blog post for Shulamith's youngest son, Theodore, who is 21 months old. It hadn't occurred to me because he doesn't really talk. He says some words, a few more every couple days, but no, talking isn't exactly his deal. Isaiah (who didn't talk until he was well past three) often tells Theodore that talking is overrated, and Theodore agrees.

However, last night, Theodore said his first actual sentence, so my mom felt that I needed to start his blog (since I have ongoing blogs for Shulamith's other two kids). Well, okay then...

1. We are all avid Utah Jazz fans, and last night during the game, Theodore looked at the TV:
Theodore: (clapping hands) Ball, ball, yay, yay!

2. Shulamith has two friends who had baby boys the same month as Theodore was born, so they are all now around 22 months. Toddlers aren't known for their ability to share things, nor should they be expected to. The three babies were fighting over a doll stroller, to the point of screaming and grabbing it out of each other's hands. Finally, the mom of one of them decided to put it away. Unfortunately, it happened to be in Theodore's hands when she decided to take it. She was very nice: "Theodore, all done stroller. I'm going to put it away now," as she took it away from him. After a couple of minutes, Theodore got up, found a ball, walked over to the mom who took the stroller, and hurled the ball at her. Satisfied, he turned around and walked back to Shulamith's lap. Bahahaha! Shulamith says she's never been prouder of him.

3. Number 1 (above) was sort of Theodore's first sentence; however, I was in the grocery store with him recently, when he uttered his first COMPLETE sentence, with a subject-verb group:
Theodore (pointing at the candy on the shelf): I want candy!

4. Well Theodore is now talking up a proverbial storm. Lots of subjects, verbs, and objects, though not a lot of prepositions yet. Shulamith's husband's brother's wife (follow that!) recently had a new baby girl named Margot. Can I just mention here that Margot is seriously one of my favorite names? Okay, back to Theodore. Yeah, he's not super impressed with this baby, ESPECIALLY when Shualmith dares to hold her. But Shulamith loves new babies almost as much as I do, so of course she wants to hold her lots. Every time she did...
Theodore: Baby out! All done baby! Margot out!

5. So Theodore's latest method to get food is to scroll through Shulamith's phone to find a picture of a muffin. Then, he shows her the picture and says "Hungy!"

6. Today Matt's mom took Theodore, along with his cousin Reuben, to her house to play for the morning. When they were leaving Reuben's house:
Theodore: Bye bye house Reuben.

7. So Theodore loves a TV show called Blippi. He is actually going to dress as Blippi for Halloween. If you have somehow managed to escape any knowledge of Blippi, be grateful. Be very grateful. I thought Barney was bad (and it was!), but I dare say Blippi is worse. He's a grown man who dresses in an ugly blue shirt with orange suspenders and bow tie, along with a blue orange beanie. He dances and sings songs about garbage trucks and pizza and policemen and airplanes, educating toddlers about colors and numbers. To say his YouTube videos are repetitive is perhaps the biggest understatement ever made. And he wears glasses. A few days ago we were at Einstein's, quietly eating our bagels when Theodore points to a man sitting at the next table:
Theodore: Blippi!
(And yep, the guy bore a striking resemblance to Theodore's hero.)

8. One morning last week, at 6:00, Theodore was awake, so Shulamith brought him into bed with her and went back to sleep. Not long after, she awoke to Theodore leaning over with his face next to hers:
Theodore: Hot dog.
Shulamith: What?
Theodore: Hot dog.
Shulamith: You want a hot dog now?
Theodore: Yeah.
So she got up and made him a hot dog for breakfast.

9. A realtor was showing Shulamith's house, which is on the market, so she brought Theodore here to take his nap.
Shulamith: You're going to sleep at Her's house today.
Theodore: No sleep Uck house. No like that. Stupid Mommy.

10. Theodore continues to progress in making sentences, at least the critical words. He wanted to play with my phone.
Theodore: Mine Uck phone!

11. Swen often tricks Shulamith by telling her things that aren't true, then quickly saying "Tricked you!" Theodore obviously understand this concept. There were a dozen eggs in the back of the van, and Theodore noticed them.
Theodore: Eggs broke, Mommy.
Shulamith: Oh no, the eggs broke?
Theodore: Tricked you!

12. Theodore was mad at Shulamith in the car (can't remember why).

Theodore: Mommy, when I get home, I going to hit you!

Tone is everything.

Tone is everything. If more people understood its power, not only would life be softer, kinder, less stressful, but productivity would increase exponentially. I'm convinced of it. To further illustrate, studies show that when our words contradict our tone, people always believe tone. Always.

This past weekend, Gerald and I traveled to Everett, Washington to visit his family. Well right here is a picture of his mom, him, and his two siblings:

It was a such a nice weekend. I visited with people I hadn't seen in at least 15 years, and with others I had never even met! All in all, it was lovely, and the tone? Perfect!

We also dealt with some different professionals, whose tone varied markedly. Since Gerald booked a flight at the ungodly hour of 5:30 a.m., we couldn't ride Trax to the airport, and instead drove ourselves and parked in long-term, economy parking. We left home at 3:30 a.m. (Ugh!), and by 4:15, found ourselves riding an airport parking shuttle to the terminal. Can we just stop for a half second and pay homage to a lady named Jenny?

Jenny understands the importance of tone. She was the driver of that middle-of-the-night shuttle, and her welcoming tone made everyone happy, even at that ghastly hour. Really, if you have to get up at 3:30 a.m. for any reason at all, be sure you catch a ride on a shuttle driven by Jenny. She greeted us with a genuine "Good morning," and enthusiastically (though not over the top; it was 4:15 a.m. after all) explained that she would circle the parking lot, making a few more stops, then deliver us to the terminal at just the right place to easily find our airline and even grab a cup of coffee. As we departed, she wished us a good flight and thanked us for riding with her. And here's the thing; I believed her! Thank you, Jenny.

Contrast that with the experience we had moving through security. Goodness! These TSA personnel need some legit training on the impact of tone. I witnessed some of the most demanding, rude, disrespectful behavior I've ever encountered. As we passed through the first security stop, I nearly jumped out of my skin as this guy in a TSA uniform was yelling at me: "Shoes off! Phones, laptops, all electronics in trays! Jackets removed!" I get that moving travelers through the security scan as quickly as possible benefits everyone, but shouting at people to the point of scaring them will surely not speed up the process. It took every ounce of restraint I had not to say, "Could you speak to me in a respectful tone? I don't like to be yelled at."

The word "please" goes such a long way. With few exceptions, most people, whether age 2 or 92, don't like to be told what to do. Some deal with it better than others, but no, most don't enjoy it. Do these TSA employees ever smile? Are they perpetually angry? Or does their pseudo authority make them feel powerful, so they think it's okay to yell at people? This whole security charade seems pretty much pointless, but if we must participate, at least they could behave like mature adults. Be kind, say please and thank you, and for heaven's sake, stop yelling.

End of rant.

It was such a fun trip. I'm so glad I went. Thank you, Erichsen Family, for hosting us.

Also, big shout out to Jenny the shuttle driver for her marvelous tone. They should pay you to run a training seminar for all TSA employees.

"I talked with your grandmother, Mrs. Hartung. What a lovely lady!"

Last evening, after celebrating Eli's birthday four days late (they were busy and kinda sick all week), we played a rousing game of "What Do You Meme?" and then took to the task of helping Eli finalize his teaching applications. After passing his final Praxis test a couple weeks ago, he now has just four more weeks of student teaching, and he'll be a fully certified teacher of grades K-8. Woo hoo!

Everyone needs a team. Everyone.

Team Eli (aka Amanda, Shulamith, and Terrianne) is right here to help with the next step, finding a teaching job for fall. Amanda provides constant emotional support; she's also bomb at making posters and charts and all things visual. I helped Eli revise and edit his resume to near perfection and will do the same with the cover letter, and Shulamith has been assisting with online applications to several school districts in the area. As of today, they are officially submitted.

This got me thinking back to when I graduated from college and found my first teaching job. I know this is going to sound like the proverbial "I walked five miles in three feet of snow to get to school" story, but I can't help myself. Truth is, I never walked to school in the snow; I barely ever walked to school at all. When it snowed in Portland, they were wise enough to cancel school, and when it didn't snow, my mom drove me in a warm, comfortable car.

However, I still have a sob story to tell. The absence of technology made all word processing tedious and communication challenging, including the process to apply for jobs. First, with no cell phones or voice mail or even archaic answering machines, in order to receive a phone call, you had to actually be home. I realize how difficult this is to believe, but you'll have to take my word for it. I've never lied to you. If you weren't home when that potential employer called, well, you could only hope he'd call back, but honestly, you'd never really know. Imagine the missed opportunities!

Everyone needs a team, and I had one too. And captain of "Team Terrianne" was a lady named Mrs. Nina Hartung (aka Grandma). My grandma was a critical team member because of her delightful personality, but also because she rarely left her apartment. Which meant she always answered her phone. What a valuable resource! We all took full advantage of this situation by making her our own personal voice mail, though back then we called her our "secretary." On all job applications, we listed our own home phone number, and right next to that, we listed her number. I can still remember it because I wrote it on so many applications: "Messages: 503-223-1757."

And let me tell you what. She charmed every single person who called her. It went something like this:

Principal: Hello, may I speak to Terrianne Webster, please.

Grandma: Oh, I'm sorry, but she isn't here right now. I'm her grandmother, Mrs. Hartung. May I please take a message.

Principal: Yes, this is Martin Neyman, principal of Armand Larive Junior High School in Hermiston, Oregon, and I wanted to talk to her about her teaching application.

Grandma: Oh hello, Mr. Neyman, what a pleasure to speak with you! I've driven though Hermiston many times. Such a nice little city!

Principal: Thank you so much for saying that. Could you have Ms. Webster call me at 503-XXX-XXXX as soon as possible.

Grandma: I certainly will. She is a wonderful teacher. I know she will be so excited to talk to you. You have a lovely day.

Principal: You too, Mrs. Hartung, and thank you.

Well, by the time I spoke with the guy, he was already so charmed by my grandma that the interview and the job were pretty much mine to lose. "I talked with your grandmother, Mrs. Hartung. What a lovely lady!" Go Grandma! She did this for me multiple times, resulting is several jobs, and I think Tom probably did as well. I often wonder what other people did, those who didn't have a grandma at home to take messages.

With today's technology, Eli doesn't need a secretary, but he still needs a team. I'm proud to be part of it.

Algorithms Suck: I just want to brighten your ten minutes!

That's all I want. It shouldn't be this hard.

So when I started my blog 10 years ago, I had two goals. Both are listed on the homepage for all to see: "It has two main functions: (1) therapy, and (2) record-keeping. Writing, for me, is highly therapeutic and far less expensive than a psychiatrist. Also, we've been counseled by our church leaders to keep a record of our lives. I'm an essayist, not a journal writer, so these blog essays are my attempt to follow that counsel."

As you can see, neither of those goals is related to readership or number of page views per post. I could meet both goals even if not one single person ever read the blog. Why would I care if people read it? I never thought I would.

But I do. For some reason, I really do.

I love it when people read the blog and tell me they enjoy it. We've already established that my skill set is woefully limited, so it's hard to find ways to serve others. I can't cook for them or make them something beautiful. I can't play the piano while they sing or sing while they play the piano. I can't take their family portraits or help them with their gardening. I can't sew for them or paint their houses. So when people enjoy reading my writing, I feel like I'm providing some sort of service, probably not enough to brighten your whole day, but maybe enough to brighten your, say, ten minutes? Even that is good.

I won't lie; watching my page views increase over the years was gratifying. When I started, posts would get maybe 20 views. I thought that was great actually. But then that increased steadily, until about a year ago when each post was averaging 200 views. Wow! Cuz I couldn't gather 200 people if I tried. Where would I find 200 people?

So I'm clipping along happily at 200ish views per post all the way until mid-October of last year. Then suddenly, and I do mean suddenly as in overnight, that number dropped to what it is now: just 40-50 page views per post. What happened? Facebook algorithms. Most people access my blog via Facebook. A few people follow the blog itself, but not many. Most just click it when it appears on Facebook.

Except now it doesn't. At least not for everyone. This all has to do with Facebook's dumb algorithms, which everyone talks about but no one seems to understand. Only certain people see my posts announcing new blog entries, but how is that determined? Number of times they comment? Number of times they "like" something? Who knows? For example, Eli still sees all my blog posts show up on Facebook, but his wife Amanda doesn't, and hasn't since (you guessed it) mid-October. Ugh!

That means most of you will not see this post. Well, okay, if you're reading it, I guess you saw it, but lots of others won't, others who used to read every single post.

This all makes me very sad. I just want to brighten your ten minutes. It shouldn't be that hard. But I can't. Because algorithms suck.

Kennedy says,,, Part III

This is the ongoing blog post for Shulamith, so she can remember all the things Kennedy says. If you'd like to see earlier editions of this post, go here.

43. Shulamith was reading the sign on the wall at Kennedy's preschool.
Shulamith: Kennedy, did you dress wacky for "Wacky Wednesday"?
Kennedy: No! I dressed cute! (with hand motions to demonstrate her cuteness).

44. Shulamith was ready to leave to come find me to go to the mall.
Shulamith: Kennedy, it's time to go to South Towne. Let's go!
Kennedy: Mom! I just started getting ready. I need to finish putting on my makeup! (Picture above is this day, so you can see her lovely makeup.)

45. Kennedy: Mom, why are you putting that stuff (lotion) on your face?
Shulamith: It makes my skin smooth and soft.
Kennedy: But your skin isn’t all smooth. You still have cracks.

46. Kennedy likes to watch a 10-year-old YouTube singer named JoJo.
Kennedy: I want to go to JoJo's house. She's in real life, but she lives on a different planet.

47. Kennedy takes both dance and gymnastics. She enjoys dance (mostly), but she far prefers gymnastics. Last week, she didn't feel like going to dance.
Shulamith: It's time to get ready for dance.
Kennedy: I'm tired. I don't want to go today.
Shulamith: If you don't go, you won't know the dance and won't be able to dance in the recital.
Kennedy: I can just watch the video on your phone.

48. All three kids were tired and cranky. Shulamith told them it was a good day for everyone to take naps.
Shulamith: We are all going home to take a nap, and we're not getting up for one hour.
Kennedy: Mom, did you know that we can get up by ourselves?

49. Shulamith: Kennedy, why are you so grumpy?   
Kennedy: I'm NOT grumpy. I'm only grumpy to YOU!

48. Kennedy: Mom, did you know "Feodore's" name starts with "Th" not "F"?

50. Kennedy likes to write on things, with markers, and not just paper. She likes to write on her toys, herself, Theodore, everything! While Shulamith tries to keep her from writing on Theodore, she lets her do whatever she wants with her toys because, well, if you can't do what you want with your toys, then they're not really yours. Consequently, most of Kennedy's toys, especially her Barbie dolls, are covered with markings.
Kennedy: I like to play with Amy's toys more than mine.
Shulamith: Why?
Kennedy: Because Amy's toys don't have marks all over them.
Shulamith: But Kennedy, YOU are the one who wrote all over your toys.
Kennedy: That's why I like to play with Amy's toys more.

51. So Isaiah and Eli took Swen and Kennedy to the arcade at South Town Mall. Swen wanted to play that stupid game, where the big claw is supposed to come down and grab a stuffed animal (except it never happens, and you never win). Only this time, of course Swen won. On his first try. He was so happy, and Kennedy was equally sad. Isaiah tried several more times, spending at least $10, trying to win her an animal, but no luck. Swen gloated about his win continually through the afternoon, and the more he gloated, the more Kennedy cried.

They went to the Monsons that evening, and Swen continued to rub this in Kennedy's face, and she continued to cry on and off. When they finally got home, however, somehow the stuffed dog Swen had won went missing. He couldn't remember where he put it. They searched everywhere, all through their house and their van, but no puppy. Matt texted his mom to see if Swen left it there, but no. Eventually, they convinced Swen to go to bed, promising him they'd keep looking tomorrow. That, they did. They spent much of the morning searching for this puppy, until finally around noon, Kennedy went into the kitchen, dug far back in the cupboard behind the pots and pans, and pulled out the stuffed dog.
Swen (running to Kennedy and hugging her): Thank you so much! You found it!!
Kennedy: I hid it. Because I hate it.

52.  Kennedy: Mommy, did you come out big?
Shulamith: What??
Kennedy: Have you always been big?
Shulamith: No, I used to be a baby. We all started out as babies.

53. Swen: I want to come with you and Dad on your date. Why can't I come?
Shulamith: Because we want to go on a date. We love you guys, but sometimes we like to be alone.
Kennedy: Yeah, Swen, they love us, but they want to be away for we don't scream at them.

54. Kennedy has struggled a bit, as many kids do, learning to pronounce the /th/ diagraph. As is typical, she pronounced it with an "f" sound. Recently, she's learned to pronounce the /th/ diagraph, but sometimes she overcompensates:
Kennedy: I don't want to go to that store. I want to go to a "ditherent" store.

55. So Kennedy is five years old but the size of the average 3-1/2 year old, according to medical growth charts. Yep, she's small, by far the smallest in her kindergarten class. Yesterday at school, some kid in line at the drinking fountain said to her, "Get out of the way, baby!"
Kennedy (recounting this to Shulamith): They just said that because I'm smaller than thems.

56. Shulamith was showing Kennedy the Prophet during General Conference. Kennedy gets confused between the president of the Church, and the president of the United States.
Kennedy: So wait....we LIKE the president of the Church, but we DON'T like Donald Trump, right? (Yes, Kennedy, so are absolutely right.)

57. Kennedy something thinks people don't listen to her, especially Shulamith.
Kennedy: Mom, your ears are not working. Why can't you ever listen to me?

58. Kennedy has been so excited for Christmas this year. On the very last day, she did her best to express that excitement.
Kennedy: I am so excited, my heart hurts!

59. Kennedy moved up out of her tots gymnastics class into a Level 1 class yesterday. She is by far the smallest one, but skill wise, she is definitely ready for this class, She we pretty nervous, but she did very well. On the way home, we asked her how she liked it.
Kennedy: I did the goodest in m class even though it was my first time.

60. Kennedy tends to be a homebody and introvert. This personality type is just perfect, but quite different from Shulamith and me. We like some time at home, but most days we like to go out and do stuff. Today we were at McDonald's, where Swen and Theodore were playing happily on the new play structure, and Kennedy was sitting at a table with us lamenting on how she just wanted to go home.
Kennedy: But I just hate going places!

61. We were in St. George over New Year's, and there was this fabulous indoor swimming pool. As we swam and played, Theodore was pushing Kennedy in the water.
Shulamith: Theodore, don't push Kennedy; you're being a bully.
Kennedy: No. Bullies are mean all the time, not just sometimes. Swen is a bully.

Swen-isms, Part III

This is Part III of my ongoing blog post for Shulamith, so she can remember the things Swen says. If you want to see an earlier installment, go here.

110. They were eating some sausage.
Swen: This sausage is delicious! Where did you get it?
Shulamith: It's from Costco.
Swen: Oh Costco, how do you always do things so good?

111. Shulamith was showing he kids a video about Jesus for "Come Follow Me" home-centered gospel study.
Swen: Mom, who records Jesus in these videos you keep showing us?

112. A nasty stomach virus has attacked the Monsters (Monson-Websters). Theodore got sick over the weekend, Swen got sick last night, and Kennedy got sick this afternoon when I picked her up from preschool, so Shulamith wouldn't have to take the sick boys out. Now I hear Matt's sick as well, but earlier, this conversation:
Swen: I feel awful. I wish I could just have a fever.
Shulamith: I know, sweetie. Stomach sickness is the absolute worst!
Swen: No, Mom. Getting hit by a car is the worst.

113. Swen: Today I told Gracie that hurricane that is under the water is called a "Wow wow" in Spanish. And she believed me. And she's gonna tell her mom and her cousin and all her friends, and they will believe it too.

114. Matt was helping Swen study for his weekly spelling test. The words were challenging, especially the word "knight." "Night" is hard enough, but add the quiet "K," and yeah.
Matt: Try it again. I think you can do it.
Swen: I have a better idea. I'm going to write the word on a really tiny piece of paper, and take it with me to use on the test.

115. Swen: Mom, why is your tummy squishy?
Shulamith: Well I’ve had three babies, which happened to make my stomach a bit squishy. 
Swen: That’s sad.

116. Some kids were over playing with Swen and Kennedy, and they were coloring and drawing pictures. One of them drew a picture of a gun.
Swen: You can't draw that. We don't have guns in our home. 
Shulamith: It's okay if he just draws a picture of a gun.
Swen: Well, as long as he doesn't point it at any people.

117. Shulamith's toddler, Theodore, is at that age when babies drop things intentionally and say, "Uh oh!"
Theodore (while dropping a toy on the floor): Uh oh!
Swen: Theodore! That is NOT an "uh oh." That is an "on purpose"!

118. Swen likes to sleep here, and he likes to dictate what we do. I try to do whatever he wants, but I can't always. This past week when he was here, we were able to get a giant Popsicle, go on a long bike ride, and play at a park. Then we went to Macaroni Grill, where Amanda paid Swen to help her with her side work. As a result, it was late when we finally got home, nearly 10:00 p.m. We needed to go right to bed, but Swen wanted to play on my phone. No can do, Swen. Way too late.
Swen: Her, I haven't really been too happy with you tonight. We'll see how you do tomorrow.

119. In Primary yesterday:
Primary Teacher: Swen, how do you feel when you think about Jesus?
Swen: I choose not to think about Jesus.

120. Swen was super upset today because after getting checked out of school early and spending all afternoon here, he couldn't just sleep here. He thought he should be able to because tomorrow is Saturday; however, I have to go help clean the temple tonight between 10:00 and midnight, so it won't work for Swen to stay. So we went to get candy at the gas station to make him feel better:
Gas station cashier: You have a great evening!
Swen: She's going to have a terrible evening. She has to go to the stupid temple.
Gas station cashier (laughing aloud): I couldn't agree more, Dude.
Gas station cashier (turning to me): Sorry.

121. Swen's car seat is in the far back corner of Shulamith's van. I sit shotgun way up in front. Consequently, it a bit difficult to hear Swen when he talks to me. So yesterday, he was saying something, and I didn't even realize he was talking.
Swen: Her! I guess you need some hearing aids or something.

122. So Swen tends to be very honest and tell people exactly what he thinks of them. There's one little girl whom he really doesn't like, so he left a note on her mom's car that said "No Amys allowed." Later, Matt was talking to him about it:
Matt: Swen, did you leave a mean note on Amy's mom's car?
Swen: Yes! Because I don't like her,
Matt: Well, Swen, I don't like most people.
Swen: You like Mommy.
Matt: Yes, I like Mommy and you three kids, but not most other people. Still, I don't write mean notes to them.
Swen: Dad, you really should if you don't like them.
Matt: No, just because I don't like people doesn't mean it's okay to treat them mean.
Swen: Yes it does.

123. Swen: When I grow up, I'm going to buy a camper and go camping a lot.
Shulamith: That sounds like fun. Can I go camping with you?
Swen: If I still know you then.

124. Today is Swen's 7th birthday, and it's also a Sunday, so in Primary today...
Primary Teacher: Happy birthday, Swen! One more year and you get to be baptized!
Swen: No. I'm not getting baptized. I'm going to run over he baptism thing with a car.
(Luckily, Shulamith was in the class as well and could run interference.)

125. Swen hates to be hot! It make him very upset. He was in Shulamith's new van, which happens to be black, and everyone has been telling them how hot it's going to be.
Swen: I'm so sweaty!!! But I bet Kennedy isn't sweaty, and she's just living a happy life. This is the worst thing that's happened to me in all of my childhood.

126. I walk a lot. Every day. So at some point nearly every day, when I'm out walking, Shulamith picks me up on the road, and we go somewhere.
Swen: You don't even need a car because you walk everywhere, and then Mommy picks you up.
Me: Well, that's true a lot of the time.
Swen: So should we return your car?

127. Today we celebrated the pretend holiday, "Halfway Christmas." It's one of our favorite days of the year. Isaiah was playing a video game, and Swen was bothering him.
Isaiah: Swen, why are you so annoying?
Swen: Because I hate people with curly hair.

128. Swen: Her, does everyone have Halfway Christmas?
Me: Yes! Mommy and Eli and Amanda and Gerald and Kennedy and Theodore. We all celebrate Halfway Christmas.
Swen; No, I mean other people. Do other people in the world have Halfway Christmas?
Me: Well, no. But they should!

129. Swen was taking pages out of one of Gerald's very old bibles, where the pages have come lose.
Me: Swen, don't pull pages out of Gerald's bible.
Swen: Is it about church?
Me: Yes, please stop, SETH, because Gerald needs that.
Swen: See, that's why we don't like church. Because you call people the wrong names.

130. Swen is sleeping upstairs tonight. Shulamith asked me to ask Swen where Dallin's green light save is. Apparently, Swen and Dallin had traded toys, but the light saver was a brand new toy, and Dallin's mom wants them to trade back.
Me: Swen, where is Dallin's green light saver? His mom wants it back.
Swen: That's actually very interesting. Because I brought it here. It's in my backpack.

131. Swen was supposed to go to Young Men's with his dad to help Matt with his lesson, but then Swen didn't really want to do that, and he didn't want to go back to his own primary class either. So the bishop (who is apparently the kindest man ever) happened to walk past, and he took Seth into a classroom and drew tracks and roads on the white board, so he and Swen could pretend to drive cars on them. Well, perfect! While there, this conversation occurred:
Swen: What do you actually do here?
Bishop: Well, would you like to see my office?
Swen: Yes.
Bishop (takes Swen down the hall and into his office): Here. This is my office.
Swen: Wow, how much did this cost?
Bishop: Ahhh, I don't know, $20?
Swen: Nice!

132. Mom: What are you doing Swen?
Swen: Writing down words to my favorite JoJo songs.

133. Mom: Swen, if you can't calm  down, I might have to start locking you in Theodore's room.
Swen: It's okay. I always keep keys in my pocket.

133. Matt was lying on the floor.
Swen: Dad, why are you lying on the damn floor?

134. Shulamith teaches Swen's primary class. A little girl in the class made a picture for Shulamith, and Shulamith thanked her:
Shulamith: Oh, that is so beautiful! Thank you. I can't wait to put it up on my fridge.
Swen: You know what happens when my mom puts stuff up on the fridge? She throws it away in two days. So that things gonna end up in the garbage.

135. We were at a birthday party today for our friend Lacey's son, Lyall. Lacey's husband Rielly happened to walk past Swen.
Swen: Hey, what's your name?
Rielly: I'm Lyall's dad.
Swen: I asked you what your name is. I didn't ask you whose dad you are.

136. Shulamith teaches a class at Salt Lake Community College two nights a week. Swen does not like this because he doesn't want her to be gone at night. He wants her to teach in the daytime when he's in school.
Swen: Are you going to school tonight?
Shulamith: Yes, it's Monday, so I have school.
Swen: Why can't you teach in the daytime when I'm at school?
Shulamith: Because Theodore is two years old, and I need to be with him. When you were two, I was home with you all day, and I need to be home with Theodore now.
Swen: Yeah. I guess he likes you.

137. Pretty much every day, sometimes more than once, Shulamith drops me off somewhere by the side of the road so I can walk home. She does this because I want her to. One day last week, it was very hot, and she was about to drop me off on State St. and 80th.
Kennedy: Her, are you going to walk all the way home? It's SO hot outside!
Swen: Her walks everywhere all the time. Her walks in hail, in snow, in rain, in thunder, and in hot.

138. Swen: Did you know people can get married in temples?
Shulamith: Yeah, that's where Dad and I got married.
Swen: Why? Could he not find anywhere else?

139. Swen was super frustrated with his math homework, and Shulamith was trying to show him how to add 57+5.
Swen: Nobody even has 57 fingers, so this won't work!

140. We have an annual tradition of going to Target to get flu shots, because everyone who gets one there receives a $5 gift card, so then Swen and Kennedy can go pick out a toy (and Shulamith and I can do something exciting like buy groceries). Last year, after we got our shots, they tried to convince Matt to get his flu shot at his office, where they have a clinic. All he had to do was stop by before leaving work. He wouldn't do it. And he got a very bad case of the flu! So this year, they are determined to make him get his shot.
Swen (after we got our flu shots at Target): I'm going to tell Dad that if he doesn't get his flu shot, we're not going to let him play video games or talk to Tommy anymore.

141. Swen: Since Jesus built all the people, do you think he'd love Legos?

142. For the Primary program this year, leaders are asking the kids questions and getting their answers. They asked Swen whom he prays for:
Swen: I pray for my family and for pets that don't have owners and live in pet stores.

143. Shulamith was explaining to Swen about the Plan of Salvation, and why we came to earth.
Swen: I came to earth for cars.


144. During Primary last Sunday, Swen's name was drawn to come up and participate in the activity. The leader asked Swen if he wanted to come up, and he responded.
Swen: I want the church to be was extinct!


145. Also in Primary, Shulamith team-teachers Swen's class. It was a day she wasn't teaching but just sitting in the class.
Teacher: Swen, how do you feel when you think about Jesus?
Swen: I try hard not to think about Jesus.

146. Swen has decided to change his name, well his "back name," which (we assume) means his last name.
Swen: I'm going to change my back name to SUV. I'm going to be "Swen Webster SUV."

147. Swen: Hey Her, what's your phone number?
Me: 360-707-2068
Swen: In our country, it's 801, so why is yours 360?

148. I start listening to Christmas music November 1st and listen to it for two solid months. I LOVE Christmas music! So driving home today, I was happily listening to Neil Diamond sing "We wish you a Merry Christmas," when Swen started singing along,,,
Swen: We wish you a Merry Car Crash.

149. All five Webster-Monsons were in the bathroom one night recently.
Swen: Our whole family is in here.
Shulamith: Yep! Unless one day in the future we have another baby. Do you think we should have another baby one day, or is this enough kids? 
Swen: Yes, we should.
Shulamith: If we do, do you think it will be a boy or a girl.
Swen: A girl. Her name will be Rosie Webster-Monson. 


150. A mom who lives near Swen was walking with her baby in a stroller. It was cold, so the baby was wearing a big, white snowsuit from head to toe.
Swen: Wbose baby is that?
The mom: That's my baby, Swen.
Swen: What's she wearing?!
The mom: A snowsuit.
Swen: Well it looks like she's injured and has cast all over her body.

151. Swen was in the car with Shulamith, and they saw a homeless person.
Swen: Why is that guy standing out on the street.
Shulamith: He is homeless and has nowhere else to go.
Swen: We have an open seat. We should give him a ride.
Shulamith: Where would we take him?
Swen: We could take him home.
Shulamith: He doesn't have home. That's why he's homeless.
Swen: Well, we're selling our house; he could buy it!

152. Swen will turn eight in May, so Shulamith has been doing some lessons on baptism with him.
Swen: I don't think I want to be eight. It's too hard. I'll just stay seven, so I can do whatever I want.

153. Shulamith and I got new iPhone XIs on Black Friday. Shulamith's is white; mine is red.
Swen (when he first saw my phone): Why would Mom get a boring white phone, when she could get a beautiful red phone like this?
Me: I have no idea, Swen.

154. We were at Disneyland last week, and I was eating one of my favorite things there, a giant turkey leg.
Swen: Her's really getting into that turkey leg!

155. Shulamith pays Swen $1.00 when he gets 100% on his weekly spelling test because before she started doing that, he didn't really try and usually got around 50%. Last week, he decided this might need to change.
Swen: Mom, you are going to need to get me an extra dollar if I get 100%. These spelling words are starting to get quite difficult.

156. Today at school, Swen and Kennedy had their annual Christmas store. Everything costs $1.00, and kids can bring dollars to buy gifts for their family members. Shulamith gave both Swen and Kennedy $5.00, so they could buy a gift for Mom, Dad, their two siblings, and me. Later, Swen was wrapping his presents, and his neighbor friend Delilah was there watching. As he wrapped my present, he explained to her why he was filling out the To/From tag the way he did.
Swen: Her's name is "Her," but Her doesn't put the right names on the presents. Her puts other people's names. So I'm putting "To Waffles" on Her's present. (My "code" this year is to mix up all our family names, so no one knows whose gifts are whose.)

157. We've been waiting a long time for the McDonald's on Ft. Union to finish its remodel, including a brand new play structure. It's finally open again, so we took Shulamith's kids there for dinner on Christmas Eve.
Swen (as he walked in to the "new McDonald's": This looks like Kansas state!

If I never see another diagram of a plant cell in my entire life, it will be too soon!

I'd like to tell you a story of courage. Of resilience. Of the will to never give up, despite what feels like insurmountable obstacles.

But before I do that, can we just take a minute and talk about plant cells?

You know, how they have a cell membrane to serve as the gatekeeper; a cell wall to provide protection and maintain the plant's form; chloroplasts to enable photosynthesis and make the plant green; cytoplasm to hold everything together; mitochrondrion to produce energy; a nucleus to control everything; ribosomes to build proteins; an endoplasmic reticulum (mnemonic: rectum), which are tunnels to transport stuff; vacuoles to store water and do something else (?); and the gogli body, which I can't remember what that does.

We could also talk about sedimentary, igneous, and metaphoric rock cycles, the pH scale, balancing chemical equations, and the fact that while protons and neutrons stick together in the nucleus, electrons (which are much lighter, by the way) spin around the nucleus at the equivalent of three football fields away! Or we could talk about heterozygous genotypes and dominant and recessive genes, and why every single person in our family can roll his or her tongue and I can't (which makes me seriously annoyed!).

We could talk about the ocean floor, the solar system (mnemonic: "My Very Educated Mother Just Swam Upstream Naked." Can you believe I got to be the mnemonic for the planets?), gravity and mass, and how I should probably move to the moon, where I'd only weigh 1/6 of what I weigh on earth though my mass would be the same. We could talk about the taxonomic ranks: Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species (mnemonic: King Phillip Can't Organize Family Games, Stupid).

We could talk about all these things because Eli, Amanda, and I have been studying this stuff for the past eight months.

Back story, in Utah (and most other states, I think), elementary education majors have to pass a series of four tests to demonstrate their basic knowledge of language arts, social studies, science, and math before they graduate. Eli passed these basic tests without too much difficulty; however, the State of Idaho requires even more. Elementary Ed majors in Idaho must choose an area of emphasis (one of those four subjects), take a couple upper-level classes in that field of study, and then pass a much more difficult Praxis test in that field.

Because Eli attended BYU-Idaho, and for some reason I will never understand, he chose science as his emphasis. He took a geology class and botany class his very last semester, and with no more preparation than that, faced the daunting prospect of the higher-level science Praxis.

[Think scary music, which makes you frightened before you even know what's happening.]

Thus began the saga of courage and resilience I mentioned earlier. Through the course of a year and a half, Eli sat for this three-hour test six different times. His score increased each time, but until the sixth try, it was never high enough to pass. May I just say right here that the questions are ridiculously hard for a non-science major. My goodness! Also, the test sets people up for failure. Each time you take it, it includes entirely different questions, so you never know what to expect. The second you finish and push "submit," your score pops up, but you can't ever find out which questions you got right or which ones you missed. Some questions require information from the periodic table, but you're not allowed to have one of those, so unless you happen to have it memorized.....

I could go on about just how much I hate this test. I won't.

Many people would have quit long before they reached Attempt #6. Not Eli. Was he discouraged? Yes. Frustrated? Absolutely. Did he want to give up? Multiple times. But he had a goal, a goal for which he had invested nine semesters of hard work, a goal to be an elementary teacher, and the only thing standing in the way of that goal was this stupid test (which, trust me, won't help him in any way teach 2nd or 3rd graders).

He persevered. I realize this is total mom brag goop, but honestly, I can only stand in awe of his determination to overcome an obstacle that, after the fifth try, felt insurmountable. We had worked so hard that time, studying most nights, reviewing practice questions. And still he came up six points shy. At that point, we felt we had done all we could on our own; we needed a real science teacher (rather than an English teacher mom) to help. Lucky for us, we knew one of those! Shulamith's husband's mom, Dawn, is a career middle school science teacher. We had no idea how awesome a teacher she was, but we sure know now.

Eli and Amanda went to Dawn's home every week for six weeks for private tutoring. She wrote science concepts on large rolls of newsprint as she broke down complex ideas and then explained them to Eli with clarity and precision. Then he and Amanda came home, and every night, Eli came upstairs and taught me what he learned that week. That's why I know all that stuff.

Yesterday, Eli sat for the science Praxis for the sixth and (thanks to Dawn) last time. He passed!! With unwavering determination, he challenged what seemed an impossible obstacle and overcame it. He will finish student teaching in another month, making him a certified teacher. By fall, he will likely have his own classroom.

And I will never again have to look at a diagram of a plant cell.