Last year, I started an ongoing post to record the brilliant comments of Shulamith's 5-year-old son, Swen. I know she will want to remember the things he says, but with three tinies, she doesn't have time to blog. Now that it's 2018, I'm starting a new post, so everything gets recorded in the blog books I create every year.
36. The Webster-Monsons' recent move to somewhere else has been hard for most of us, hardest for me, no doubt, but also hard for Shulamith and Swen. In an attempt to make sense out of it in his 5-year-old mind, he has come to his own understanding of why they had to leave.
Swen: Grandpa gives me so many cars. He gives me hundreds of cars. Every time I go to his house, he gives me cars. So I had too many cars to fit downstairs, and that's why we had to move.
37. Swen sometimes thinks we are mean to him, meaning we ask him to do something different from what he is doing. For me, that usually involves his baby brother, Theodore. His "over-love" and physical attention often becomes too much.
Swen: Her, I brought you this rock from school. It's a very cool rock.
Me: Thank, you, Swen. I love this rock.
Swen: But if you are mean to me, I'm taking this rock away from you.
Later, when Swen is messing with Theodore....
Me: Swen, please leave your brother alone. He's a real human being.
Swen: Where is that rock? I'm going to find it and take it away from you because you are being mean to me again.
38. Swen is curious about Heaven, etc., when we go there, how long we stay. He's also concerned that it's safe there.
Swen: When we die and go to Heaven, do we stay there for 100 years?
Shulamith: Even longer. We stay forever and live with Heavenly Father and Jesus.
Swen: Do they have a Nest Protect thermostat in Heaven?
39. I am going to Rexburg this weekend, and Swen wanted to go with me, but it would mean missing a friend's birthday party.
Swen: I want to go to Rexburg with Her to visit Eli and Amanda.
Mom: Okay, but you would miss Ira's birthday.
Swen: Mom, but can you bring me the bag.
It's obviously all about the goodie bag.
40. I've been trying to teach Swen about phobias, most especially, my phobia of snakes. I want him to understand that phobias, though they seem silly, are very serious and very real. I want him to know that it's not funny to scare people with things they are actually afraid of. So we were at the zoo the other day, and Shulamith took her kids into the reptile house. I, of course, remained safely outside that awful place. But Swen was not happy about this:
Swen: Her! I want you to come see the snakes.
Me: Swen, remember how I have a phobia of snakes, so I can't look at them?
Swen: No, I WANT you to come in there.
Me: Swen, I hate those things. They scare me to death!
That had a huge impact on him. I forgot that 5-year-olds take things literally and don't have the capacity to understand figurative language.
Swen: To death? Oh, Her, I do not want you to go in there then. I do not want you to die! I would miss you very, very much.
41. Swen: Mom, can we go inside McDonald's instead of drive-thru?
Mom: Maybe.
Swen: "Maybe" is scary because it's sometimes yes and sometimes no.
42. Moving was an adjustment for Swen, so often he decides to sleep here, on days when he doesn't have school the next day.
Swen: How many days until I sleep with you?
Me: When I get back from picking up Seth at school, we will look at the calendar and pick a day.
Swen: Okay, but I don't want it to be a teen.
(I guess he wants single digits. Haha, we told him in 3 night-nights.)
43. I keep a pair of sunglasses in the glove box of Shulamith's van, since we spend so much time going places in it. Suddenly one day, they were gone. Disappeared! I asked Swen about it because he likes to take our things and hide them. He said he hid them. I'm not sure I believe him, but I pursued the idea:
Me: Swen, if you can find my sunglasses, I will give you a dollar.
Swen: What number will be on the dollar?
Me: (laughing) a #1.
Swen: I want it to be a #20.
44. Swen is as honest as we all wish we could be. Speaking about his impressions of church:
Swen: I hate going to church. We have to go to THREE THINGS at our church, THREE! First we go to this one thing, where we just sit and sit and sit. Then we go to another place, where stupid people sing stupid songs. Then we go to another place and sit and sit and sit some more. (Welcome to being a Mormon, Swen).
45. Yesterday Swen had a double ear infection, causing him serious pain, poor baby! He spent most of the day lying across Shulamith's lap. Which triggered this comment:
Swen: Your tummy looks like a skin balloon."
46. So Swen has decided that he likes redecorating my bedroom, especially my closet. Meaning, he likes to take all my shoes off the rack and dump them into a big pile. And he thinks it's hilarious. I usually leave them in the pile for a couple days, but just as soon as I ever so carefully line them up on the rack, he pulls them off again. Here is a picture:
Swen: [No comment. All smiles.]
47. Sometimes Swen and Kennedy fight like cats and dogs. Other times they play together like best friends. Shulamith and I strongly prefer latter. Today, we got our wish:
Swen: We're playing "toy and seek."
Kennedy: What's that?
Swen: That's when you hide a toy, and then I look for it.
48. We frequent McDonald's, well, frequently. Sometimes we get Shulamith's kids Happy Meals, but other times we tell them they can get just one thing, a snack, such as some fries or an ice cream cone. This was the case yesterday when we were heading there.
Shulamith: Okay, we're driving though McDonald's, and you can get one thing. Do you want some fries, or a cookie, or an ice cream cone?
Swen: I want fries, but I want the ones in the red box, NOT the white one.
(Medium fries come in red boxes; small fries come in white paper packages.) Go Swen!
49. To say that Swen likes cars is an understatement. He likes them so much that he wants one every day. Shulamith has been trying to help him understand that he can't have a car every single time he goes to the store, which is what he wants. The Hot Wheels cars only cost $1.00, but he has literally hundreds of them, and really, he can't have one every single time.
Shulamith: Swen, Are you listening to me? I want you to remember that I'm buying you this car today. So this week when I pick you up from school and you want a car, but I say "no car today," I don't want you to cry, okay? Because we got one today.
Swen: I won't cry, but I might scream.
50. Swen (to a kid in his primary class whose mom is the primary president): Hey, your mom isn't in here anymore, so you can play with this car of mine now.
51. Shulamith is one of the teachers in Swen's primary class, and she just texted me this. They are learning about how Jesus was resurrected and how, as a result, we all will be.
Swen: When I come back, and they cut me out of your stomach again, will you give me a new name?"
52. Swen knows I don't like it when he talks about his "new house," because I tell him it doesn't really exist, that it is just a very bad dream. One day, we will wake up and all be together as it should be. So tonight, Shulamith was headed upstairs and wondering which kid she would bring with her (Theodore always comes, of course).
Kennedy: I want to go!
Shulamith: I'm only taking one of you.
Swen: Sorry Kennedy, I have to be the one who goes because Her doesn't like me when I'm at the new house, so I have to go.
53. Swen didn't want to go to kindergarten this morning:
Shulamith: You need to go to school so you can learn and get smart to go to college. Then you can make money.
Swen: I'm not going to college! I'm driving a car transporter.
54. ...and out of the blue (probably because he learned about the resurrection in church yesterday):
Swen: Mom, when I'm resurrected, will my cars all still be here?
55. This past weekend, Shulamith and Matt and their kids went to St. George with Dawn and Todd Monson (the kids' grandparents):
Swen: Grandma, I want to take this rock home.
Dawn: Well that rock would be too big to fit in a car to take home.
Swen (sitting on rock): But I really want it.
Dawn: How about we take a picture of the rock, and you can have that?
Swen (after some thinking): Okay, I want a picture of the rock, but I will not be in the picture of the picture of the rock. Just the rock goes in the picture.
56. Shulamith: Swen, it's time to go to school.
Swen: No! No school. I forgot to lock you out of my room.
57. Swen isn't a fan of freeway driving; I think he associates it with road trips, like to Rexburg to visit Eli and Amanda or to St. George Also, I think he may not like the speed that much. Today, he and I were driving home from Draper:
Swen: Her. If you get in a wreck, I'll never ride with you again.
58. Swen went to a birthday party today at Chick-fil-A.
Swen: Her, there were 217 kids at that party. And with all the regular people, there were 9,060. The play place almost fell apart.
59. At that birthday party mentioned above, Swen got a ring with ChapStick inside.
Swen: Waffles! Don't eat my ring. There's ChapStick inside. It will kill you.
60. Today I was watching a video about a guy who fell and hit his head. He said he was lying in a "pool of blood." Swen was watching over my shoulder and commented:
Swen: Was it empty with no water?
61. Swen: Mommy, I love you (as he gives Shulamith a hug).
Shulamith: I love you too, Swen. Will you take a picture with me?
Swen: Definitely not.
62. Today, Swen was mad at Shulamith because she told him he had to wear shoes while riding his bike.
Swen: I want to live with Her forever! And ever and ever!
63. Shulamith, Matt, and their kids met the kids' grandparents at a park last night for dinner. Shulamith told Swen there would be a playground there because she expected there would be, but there wasn't. From Swen's perspective, it isn't really a park unless it has a playground.
Swen: Mom, why did you tell me there would be a park here?
Shulamith: Sorry, I thought there would be a park here, but I lied.
Swen: You lied to me?
Shulamith: Well, I didn't mean to, but yes, I lied because I told you there would be a park, but there isn't.
Swen: What did your face look like when you lied?
Shulamith: Probably like this (making a very serious face).
Swen: When I lie, I smile.
64. Shulamith: I'm getting rid of Woof. I'm so tired of him running away! It makes me so mad.
Swen: No, Mommy, don't do that. I love him so much (so sad, with tears in his eyes).
Shulamith: Swen, I need to. He always runs away, and it makes me so mad.
Swen: Well then, can we get a cat (tears gone; totally happy tone)?
65. Yesterday was Swen's kindergarten graduation. He was very nervous about the program because he would have to sing several songs AND say one line into the microphone. Large crowds and getting up in front of people... not his favorite.
Swen:I do not want to do my program at school.
Shulamith: Why not?
Swen: There are gonna be 67,000 people there!
(Note: he sang every song and did all the hand motions, and said his line loudly and clearly.)
66. In Swen's kindergarten class there are identical twin girls named Rylee and Hadlee. We don't know if it's because they are twins, but Swen refers to them alwayw as "The Rylee and The Hadlee."
67. The mom of one of Swen's friends asked was trying to find out what Swen wanted for his birthday:
Friend's mom: What do you like, Swen?
Swen: I like Infinity.
Friend's mom: Infinity?
Swen: Yes, like something that goes on forever.
Friend's mom: I know what infinity is, but what do you like for your birthday?
Swen: Oh, cars! Lots of cars!
68. So recently, I bought these two carts on wheels, one for Gerald and one for me, with three baskets each, to use as portable nightstands. When Swen saw them, he wanted to take one home. He really, really wanted one. So Shulamith and I decided to get him one of his own for his birthday, and to put his other presents in the three baskets. I don't think I've ever seen him happier:
69. Swen is a hoarder. No question about it. And now, whenever Shulamith tells him he can't bring something else home because "you have too much stuff already"...
Swen: It's okay, Mom. I have a cart.
70. We used to frequently take Shulamith's kids to a place called Jungle Jim, an indoor arcade place with rides for young children. It recently shut down.
Swen: Mom, when is that play place going to open again. I want to go there.
Shulamith: Never. It's closed for good.
Swen: But for how long? When can I go there again?
Shulamith: Never. It's done. It's gone forever.
Swen: Well, until it's resurrected.
71. Swen dearly loves to antagonize Kennedy. Just now, he wanted to take a knife downstairs to keep, and I said "Sure." Then he promptly turned to Kennedy and said, "You don't get to keep a knife. Only I do."
Me: Swen! What do you say things that upset her?
Swen: I just LOVE to make her mad.
Me: Why??
Swen: Because I love to see her cry.
72. Shopping at Smith's.
Swen: Can I have a car?
Shulamith: No.
Swen: Why?
Shulamith: Because I don't have money to buy you cars every day.
Swen: But you have money for all this other stuff.
Shulamith: That's because we NEED all this other stuff.
Swen: Well I need a car.
73. Swen is an early riser, as in way too early. So Shulamith often praises him when he doesn't get up at the crack of dawn.
Shulamith: Swen, you did a good job sleeping in!
Swen: What does "sleeping in" mean?
Shulamith: That you didn't get up super early.
Swen: But what does "sleeping out" mean?
74. And on that same topic... one day a couple weeks ago Swen and I slept downstairs on a mattress. I had VIPKID students starting at 6:00 a.m., so I tried as hard as I could to be so quiet as I crept upstairs to teach my lessons. But to no avail. About 6:15 (halfway into my lesson), Swen came upstairs.
Swen: Her! You work up very early. You're going to be tired and grumpy today.
75. Just now (July 4th), Shulamith and Swen and I were at Chevron getting treats and Diet Cokes to enjoy as we sit and watch Isaiah and Seth light off fireworks. Shulamith brought Swen a big package of pretzel M&Ms.
Shulamith: Okay, Swen. This was the only size bag of these they had, so you have to give me some. If you eat all of these, you will have a tummy ache.
Swen: Here you go (as he willingly gave Shulamith his bag to take some M&Ms).
Shulamith: Thanks for being so cool about sharing, Swen. It's so much fun having you alone.
Swen: I'm only not cool around the "Kanndidy."
76. Swen was at a swimming pool the other day, and some big kids were deliberately splashing him in the face. Swen came running over to Shulamith:
Swen: Mom, I need some sunscreen right now!
Shulamith: Why do you need sunscreen?
Swen: Those big kids splashed me, so I'm gonna spray sunscreen in their faces.
77. Yesterday, Swen and Kennedy were roaming around downstairs in the storage area and found a horn and some sticks. Kennedy was tooting the horn and playing "music" with the sticks.
Swen: Her! Kennedy is really good at music. We should put her in a show.
78. Out of the blue one night...
Swen: Dad, can we send Her some pictures of snakes? She really loves them.
79. Kennedy's balloon animal deflated, so she was sad:
Swen: Kennedy, do you know how we can fix that? We can take all your blood out and put it into the balloon.
80. Shulamith was talking to her kids about strangers and how they should never go with strangers.
Shulamith: We wold never have someone come get you that you don't know.
Swen: Except Kennedy. You would make someone you don't know go get Kennedy.
81. In Sacrament Meeting today, Swen accidentally hit his head on the pew behind him, and it made him very mad.
Swen: Ugh, I'm gonna set this church on fire!
82. Swen is very interest in smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors, so much so that he's stolen a couple of these from me. His favorite brand is the Nest Protect, and he really wants me to have one so I'll be safe.
Swen: Her, you need to buy a Nest Protect.
Me: I think they are very expensive.
Swen: They cost $100.
Me: Right. That's a lot of money, Swen.
Swen: You can ask Santa Claus to bring you a Nest Protect. He has lots of money.
Me: Really? Can I go sit on Santa's lap and tell him I want a Nest Protect, and he will bring me one?
Swen: Yes. And if that doesn't work, you can write him a letter.
...and the saga of the Nest Protect continues...
83. I seriously think Shulamith could pay for Swen's entire college education if she would just record him "selling" the features of the Nest Protect:
Swen: Her, wouldn't it be terrible if you were away from home and your house caught on fire?
Me: Yes, Swen, that would be bad.
Swen: The Nest Protect will send you an alert on your phone if your house is on fire, so you know.
Me: That would be great.
Swen: Also, have you ever noticed that when the batteries are low on your smoke detector, it makes a beeping sound?
Me: Yes, I have noticed that.
Swen: The Nest Protect does not make a sound when batteries are low. Instead, it makes a red glow, so you know to replace the batteries.
Me: That's great.
Swen: Did you know that with the Nest Protect, you don't need a smoke detector and a carbon monoxide detector?
Me: No, I didn't know that.
Swen: The Nest Protect is both!
Me: Wow, that's really amazing, Swen.
Swen: Her, I want you to have a Nest Protect because I don't want you to die.
84. And then, there's the anxiety that lies under the surface of all these questions:
Swen: What would we do if the carbon monoxide detector went off, but a kid couldn't walk.
Shulamith: The grownups would carry the kid out.
Swen: What would happen if the carbon monoxide alarm went off and there was a kid with two broken legs, who weighed as much as a car?
Shulamith: Then the kid would probably die.
85. Swen wanted to be upstairs with me today, but I was going to the temple again. We've been taking Seth to a different temple each week before his mission.
Swen: I want to stay with Her.
Shulamith: You can't because Her is going to the temple again.
Swen: Why is Her going there again? We need to put carbon monoxide inside the temple, so no one can go in there. Also in all the churches, so we never have to go to them.
86. Today was Seth's mission farewell in sacrament meeting. Eli sang a song, Amanda accompanied him, and I turned pages for her. As the three of us were walking up to the stand:
Swen: Where is Eli going?
Shulamith: He's going to sing a song.
Swen: What's Amanda doing?
Shulamith: She is going to play the piano?
Swen: What's Her doing?
Shulamith: She's going to turn the pages for Amanda.
Swen: That's it??
Yes, Swen, it's a huge talent to turn those pages at exactly the right time. Duh.
87. Yesterday was Swen's first day of first grade. When he first got home, he was obviously tired and over the whole thing, so he didn't want to talk about it. Later, he decided he didn't want to go back.
Shulamith: Can you tell me why you don't want to go?
Swen: Because it's so long.
Shulamith: Tell me two bad things about first grade and two good things?
Swen: It is way too long, and we just sit there and sit there and sit there. And the teacher told us about 298 things.
Shulamith: Can you tell me two good things about it?
Swen: My teacher is nice and I just love math.
Fortunately, he was happy to go back today. My sincere hope is that this teacher realizes that 298 is way too many things to tell six-year-olds all in one day. :-)
88. Swen was super excited to use his new puppy spiral notebook. He kept waiting for Ms. Wardall to tell everyone to get out notebooks. Finally, she did.
Swen: I got to draw in my puppy notebook today!
Shulamith: Really? What did you draw?
Swen: I drew a smoke detector and a carbon monoxide detector. And a fire. And some smoke. I wanted to draw carbon monoxide, but it's invisible, so I couldn't. You can't draw invisible carbon monoxide.
89. Swen's first grade teacher texted Shulamith a nice message one day last week. She said how much she enjoys having Swen in class and that during math, she could see the light bulb light up in his brain when he was learning something new. Shulamith was so proud of Swen, and she read him the text message.
Swen: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I do NOT have a light bulb in my brain. Why would Ms. Wardell say something that stupid?
90. Swen slept upstairs with me last night, and this morning he wanted to go to McDonald's all by ourselves before we met up with Shulamith and Kennedy and Theodore. I happened to be wearing my warm, fleece-lined hoodie. As we were eating, and with no previous conversation about the temperature, he looked at me and said:
Swen: I am so cold! And just look at you, sitting there all nice and warm.
91. This weekend was General Conference for our church. During one session, Swen and Shulamith had the following conversation:
Swen: Did President Nelson say Jesus is brighter than the sun? Why would he say that?
Shulamith: Well saying bright can also mean happiness. So he's saying that having Jesus in our lives will bring us happiness and brightness.
Swen: Wait. So the sun can make us happy?
Haha, no, Swen. Rain makes us happy. The sun makes us sad. You're a true Webster.
92. Swen does not like going places that he isn't familiar with. Today, the Monsters (Monson-
Websters) went up a canyon to get family pictures taken, and Swen was very concerned they wouldn't be able to find their way back. He kept asking Shulamith and Matt if they were sure they knew the way home. Before they left, however, Swen was very happy to see his mom all glammed up:
Swen: Wow, Mommy, why do you look so cute? I want you to look like that every day.
93. Swen: Can we go look at smoke alarms?
Me: How many smoke alarms do you already have?
Swen: I have five.
Me: That seems like enough, don't you think?
Swen: No. I want 100!
Me: How are you going to get 100 smoke alarms?
Swen: Well, I'm going to get 10 and then count by 10s.
94. These past two days were fall break (UEA) for all Utah schools. So we had Swen with us both day. He told Shulamith:
Swen: I want to go to school. I miss Ms. Wardell. She's way cooler than Mommy and Her.
95. And more about Ms. Wardell:
Swen: I want Ms. Wardell to be my mommy.
Shulamith: But Swen, I am your mommy!
Swen: I wish you could be my mommy and Ms. Wardell, and Her!
96, Shulamith: I need my phone to tell me where to go.
Swen: How does your phone tell you where to go?
Shulamith: It's a smart phone, and smart phones can tell me where to go.
Swen: Can dumb phones do that too?
97. I've been playing Christmas music in my car (no judgement allowed!). When we were driving home today, the song All I Want for Christmas is You came on. Swen heard the line, "I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree," and responded:
Swen: What's wrong with that girl? She doesn't care about presents. That's very stupid. And also sad.
98. Swen: What are you going to name me when I'm resurrected?
Shulamith: I'm still going to name you Swen.
Swen: No. I will be Car Webster-Monson.
99. We were decorating the Christmas tree, and Swen was trying to figure out how to hang a particular ornament.
Swen: How do I hang this one??
Me: Does it have a little green hook on it?
Swen: I don't know. It's not my ornament.
100. I don't know what's going on tonight, but Swen must be frustrated about something because Shulamith just texted me this:
Swen: Ugh, I'm so mad! The only thing that will make me happy is to stay at Her house for all the days.
101. A good friend of Shulamith's passed away last week, and she and I attended her funeral yesterday. Swen was asking what we did there.
Swen: Mommy, what did you do there?
Shulamith: Just remembered things about my friend.
Swen: Did you remember her phone number?
Shulamith: No.
Swen: Well did you remember her address?
Shulamith: No.
Swen: Then what did you remember?
102. We took Swen to the Jazz game a couple days ago. During halftime entertainment, they had a tug-of-war game down on the court between some kids (maybe either or nine years old) and their dads. Swen was curious about how those kids got chosen to do that.
Swen: How did those kids get picked to go down there? Were they the quietest ones?
103. Isaiah and Swen and I rode in my new car to the Jazz game. My car has keyless entry and start. Later, Swen expressed concern over this to his mom.
Swen: I do not like Her's new car.
Shulamith: Why?
Swen: Because it doesn't have any keys, so bad guys could just get in and steal it.
104. Swen was playing a game on Shulamith's phone.
Shulamith: Swen, can I have my phone back to check your school lunch menu to see if we need to pack you a lunch?
Swen: No, but you can use Mathew's phone.
Shulamith: Well, Daddy's at work, so I need my phone.
Swen: Shulamith. You have a tablet now. You can use that.
105. Swen was asking me about my new car and how long I plan to keep it.
Swen: How long will you keep this new car?
Me: Oh, I keep my cars for a long, long time. About 14-15 years. Swen, you will be 20 by the time I get rid of this car.
Swen: I won't be with Mommy and Daddy by then.
Me: No, you will probably be on your own.
Swen: Can I live with you then?
Me: Of course you can.
Swen: But you might not still be at your house by then. You'll have to tell me your address and phone number.
106. Lately Swen has been telling Shulamith that he can't/won't pray, when she asks him to. And now it's come to this:
Swen: I can't pray. It's against the law for 6-year-olds to pray. A cop told me that.
107. I picked Swen up from school today, so Theodore could nap uninterrupted. I asked him about school.
Swen: I ate cheese pizza and a Rice Krispie treat for lunch! But they don't have Diet Coke.
108. Swen was saying something mean to Kennedy (it's his lifelong mission to make her miserable):
Me: Swen, be nice to Kennedy, please.
Swen: We don't have to be like Jesus all the time. They just tell you that so you'll be nice to people.
109. Paisley is a little girl who often plays with Kennedy. Swen says he doesn't like here, but sometimes he plays with her too. Recently when they were all together:
Swen: I like your snowsuit, Paisley.
Paisley: Thank you.
Swen (to Shulamith): Was that a compliment?
Shulamith: Yes, Swen. It was very nice.
Swen: Would Jesus be happy?
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