Swen-isms, Part III

This is Part III of my ongoing blog post for Shulamith, so she can remember the things Swen says. If you want to see an earlier installment, go here.

110. They were eating some sausage.
Swen: This sausage is delicious! Where did you get it?
Shulamith: It's from Costco.
Swen: Oh Costco, how do you always do things so good?

111. Shulamith was showing he kids a video about Jesus for "Come Follow Me" home-centered gospel study.
Swen: Mom, who records Jesus in these videos you keep showing us?

112. A nasty stomach virus has attacked the Monsters (Monson-Websters). Theodore got sick over the weekend, Swen got sick last night, and Kennedy got sick this afternoon when I picked her up from preschool, so Shulamith wouldn't have to take the sick boys out. Now I hear Matt's sick as well, but earlier, this conversation:
Swen: I feel awful. I wish I could just have a fever.
Shulamith: I know, sweetie. Stomach sickness is the absolute worst!
Swen: No, Mom. Getting hit by a car is the worst.

113. Swen: Today I told Gracie that hurricane that is under the water is called a "Wow wow" in Spanish. And she believed me. And she's gonna tell her mom and her cousin and all her friends, and they will believe it too.

114. Matt was helping Swen study for his weekly spelling test. The words were challenging, especially the word "knight." "Night" is hard enough, but add the quiet "K," and yeah.
Matt: Try it again. I think you can do it.
Swen: I have a better idea. I'm going to write the word on a really tiny piece of paper, and take it with me to use on the test.

115. Swen: Mom, why is your tummy squishy?
Shulamith: Well I’ve had three babies, which happened to make my stomach a bit squishy. 
Swen: That’s sad.

116. Some kids were over playing with Swen and Kennedy, and they were coloring and drawing pictures. One of them drew a picture of a gun.
Swen: You can't draw that. We don't have guns in our home. 
Shulamith: It's okay if he just draws a picture of a gun.
Swen: Well, as long as he doesn't point it at any people.

117. Shulamith's toddler, Theodore, is at that age when babies drop things intentionally and say, "Uh oh!"
Theodore (while dropping a toy on the floor): Uh oh!
Swen: Theodore! That is NOT an "uh oh." That is an "on purpose"!

118. Swen likes to sleep here, and he likes to dictate what we do. I try to do whatever he wants, but I can't always. This past week when he was here, we were able to get a giant Popsicle, go on a long bike ride, and play at a park. Then we went to Macaroni Grill, where Amanda paid Swen to help her with her side work. As a result, it was late when we finally got home, nearly 10:00 p.m. We needed to go right to bed, but Swen wanted to play on my phone. No can do, Swen. Way too late.
Swen: Her, I haven't really been too happy with you tonight. We'll see how you do tomorrow.

119. In Primary yesterday:
Primary Teacher: Swen, how do you feel when you think about Jesus?
Swen: I choose not to think about Jesus.

120. Swen was super upset today because after getting checked out of school early and spending all afternoon here, he couldn't just sleep here. He thought he should be able to because tomorrow is Saturday; however, I have to go help clean the temple tonight between 10:00 and midnight, so it won't work for Swen to stay. So we went to get candy at the gas station to make him feel better:
Gas station cashier: You have a great evening!
Swen: She's going to have a terrible evening. She has to go to the stupid temple.
Gas station cashier (laughing aloud): I couldn't agree more, Dude.
Gas station cashier (turning to me): Sorry.

121. Swen's car seat is in the far back corner of Shulamith's van. I sit shotgun way up in front. Consequently, it a bit difficult to hear Swen when he talks to me. So yesterday, he was saying something, and I didn't even realize he was talking.
Swen: Her! I guess you need some hearing aids or something.

122. So Swen tends to be very honest and tell people exactly what he thinks of them. There's one little girl whom he really doesn't like, so he left a note on her mom's car that said "No Amys allowed." Later, Matt was talking to him about it:
Matt: Swen, did you leave a mean note on Amy's mom's car?
Swen: Yes! Because I don't like her,
Matt: Well, Swen, I don't like most people.
Swen: You like Mommy.
Matt: Yes, I like Mommy and you three kids, but not most other people. Still, I don't write mean notes to them.
Swen: Dad, you really should if you don't like them.
Matt: No, just because I don't like people doesn't mean it's okay to treat them mean.
Swen: Yes it does.

123. Swen: When I grow up, I'm going to buy a camper and go camping a lot.
Shulamith: That sounds like fun. Can I go camping with you?
Swen: If I still know you then.

124. Today is Swen's 7th birthday, and it's also a Sunday, so in Primary today...
Primary Teacher: Happy birthday, Swen! One more year and you get to be baptized!
Swen: No. I'm not getting baptized. I'm going to run over he baptism thing with a car.
(Luckily, Shulamith was in the class as well and could run interference.)

125. Swen hates to be hot! It make him very upset. He was in Shulamith's new van, which happens to be black, and everyone has been telling them how hot it's going to be.
Swen: I'm so sweaty!!! But I bet Kennedy isn't sweaty, and she's just living a happy life. This is the worst thing that's happened to me in all of my childhood.

126. I walk a lot. Every day. So at some point nearly every day, when I'm out walking, Shulamith picks me up on the road, and we go somewhere.
Swen: You don't even need a car because you walk everywhere, and then Mommy picks you up.
Me: Well, that's true a lot of the time.
Swen: So should we return your car?

127. Today we celebrated the pretend holiday, "Halfway Christmas." It's one of our favorite days of the year. Isaiah was playing a video game, and Swen was bothering him.
Isaiah: Swen, why are you so annoying?
Swen: Because I hate people with curly hair.

128. Swen: Her, does everyone have Halfway Christmas?
Me: Yes! Mommy and Eli and Amanda and Gerald and Kennedy and Theodore. We all celebrate Halfway Christmas.
Swen; No, I mean other people. Do other people in the world have Halfway Christmas?
Me: Well, no. But they should!

129. Swen was taking pages out of one of Gerald's very old bibles, where the pages have come lose.
Me: Swen, don't pull pages out of Gerald's bible.
Swen: Is it about church?
Me: Yes, please stop, SETH, because Gerald needs that.
Swen: See, that's why we don't like church. Because you call people the wrong names.

130. Swen is sleeping upstairs tonight. Shulamith asked me to ask Swen where Dallin's green light save is. Apparently, Swen and Dallin had traded toys, but the light saver was a brand new toy, and Dallin's mom wants them to trade back.
Me: Swen, where is Dallin's green light saver? His mom wants it back.
Swen: That's actually very interesting. Because I brought it here. It's in my backpack.

131. Swen was supposed to go to Young Men's with his dad to help Matt with his lesson, but then Swen didn't really want to do that, and he didn't want to go back to his own primary class either. So the bishop (who is apparently the kindest man ever) happened to walk past, and he took Seth into a classroom and drew tracks and roads on the white board, so he and Swen could pretend to drive cars on them. Well, perfect! While there, this conversation occurred:
Swen: What do you actually do here?
Bishop: Well, would you like to see my office?
Swen: Yes.
Bishop (takes Swen down the hall and into his office): Here. This is my office.
Swen: Wow, how much did this cost?
Bishop: Ahhh, I don't know, $20?
Swen: Nice!

132. Mom: What are you doing Swen?
Swen: Writing down words to my favorite JoJo songs.

133. Mom: Swen, if you can't calm  down, I might have to start locking you in Theodore's room.
Swen: It's okay. I always keep keys in my pocket.

133. Matt was lying on the floor.
Swen: Dad, why are you lying on the damn floor?

134. Shulamith teaches Swen's primary class. A little girl in the class made a picture for Shulamith, and Shulamith thanked her:
Shulamith: Oh, that is so beautiful! Thank you. I can't wait to put it up on my fridge.
Swen: You know what happens when my mom puts stuff up on the fridge? She throws it away in two days. So that things gonna end up in the garbage.

135. We were at a birthday party today for our friend Lacey's son, Lyall. Lacey's husband Rielly happened to walk past Swen.
Swen: Hey, what's your name?
Rielly: I'm Lyall's dad.
Swen: I asked you what your name is. I didn't ask you whose dad you are.

136. Shulamith teaches a class at Salt Lake Community College two nights a week. Swen does not like this because he doesn't want her to be gone at night. He wants her to teach in the daytime when he's in school.
Swen: Are you going to school tonight?
Shulamith: Yes, it's Monday, so I have school.
Swen: Why can't you teach in the daytime when I'm at school?
Shulamith: Because Theodore is two years old, and I need to be with him. When you were two, I was home with you all day, and I need to be home with Theodore now.
Swen: Yeah. I guess he likes you.

137. Pretty much every day, sometimes more than once, Shulamith drops me off somewhere by the side of the road so I can walk home. She does this because I want her to. One day last week, it was very hot, and she was about to drop me off on State St. and 80th.
Kennedy: Her, are you going to walk all the way home? It's SO hot outside!
Swen: Her walks everywhere all the time. Her walks in hail, in snow, in rain, in thunder, and in hot.

138. Swen: Did you know people can get married in temples?
Shulamith: Yeah, that's where Dad and I got married.
Swen: Why? Could he not find anywhere else?

139. Swen was super frustrated with his math homework, and Shulamith was trying to show him how to add 57+5.
Swen: Nobody even has 57 fingers, so this won't work!

140. We have an annual tradition of going to Target to get flu shots, because everyone who gets one there receives a $5 gift card, so then Swen and Kennedy can go pick out a toy (and Shulamith and I can do something exciting like buy groceries). Last year, after we got our shots, they tried to convince Matt to get his flu shot at his office, where they have a clinic. All he had to do was stop by before leaving work. He wouldn't do it. And he got a very bad case of the flu! So this year, they are determined to make him get his shot.
Swen (after we got our flu shots at Target): I'm going to tell Dad that if he doesn't get his flu shot, we're not going to let him play video games or talk to Tommy anymore.

141. Swen: Since Jesus built all the people, do you think he'd love Legos?

142. For the Primary program this year, leaders are asking the kids questions and getting their answers. They asked Swen whom he prays for:
Swen: I pray for my family and for pets that don't have owners and live in pet stores.

143. Shulamith was explaining to Swen about the Plan of Salvation, and why we came to earth.
Swen: I came to earth for cars.


144. During Primary last Sunday, Swen's name was drawn to come up and participate in the activity. The leader asked Swen if he wanted to come up, and he responded.
Swen: I want the church to be was extinct!


145. Also in Primary, Shulamith team-teachers Swen's class. It was a day she wasn't teaching but just sitting in the class.
Teacher: Swen, how do you feel when you think about Jesus?
Swen: I try hard not to think about Jesus.

146. Swen has decided to change his name, well his "back name," which (we assume) means his last name.
Swen: I'm going to change my back name to SUV. I'm going to be "Swen Webster SUV."

147. Swen: Hey Her, what's your phone number?
Me: 360-707-2068
Swen: In our country, it's 801, so why is yours 360?

148. I start listening to Christmas music November 1st and listen to it for two solid months. I LOVE Christmas music! So driving home today, I was happily listening to Neil Diamond sing "We wish you a Merry Christmas," when Swen started singing along,,,
Swen: We wish you a Merry Car Crash.

149. All five Webster-Monsons were in the bathroom one night recently.
Swen: Our whole family is in here.
Shulamith: Yep! Unless one day in the future we have another baby. Do you think we should have another baby one day, or is this enough kids? 
Swen: Yes, we should.
Shulamith: If we do, do you think it will be a boy or a girl.
Swen: A girl. Her name will be Rosie Webster-Monson. 


150. A mom who lives near Swen was walking with her baby in a stroller. It was cold, so the baby was wearing a big, white snowsuit from head to toe.
Swen: Wbose baby is that?
The mom: That's my baby, Swen.
Swen: What's she wearing?!
The mom: A snowsuit.
Swen: Well it looks like she's injured and has cast all over her body.

151. Swen was in the car with Shulamith, and they saw a homeless person.
Swen: Why is that guy standing out on the street.
Shulamith: He is homeless and has nowhere else to go.
Swen: We have an open seat. We should give him a ride.
Shulamith: Where would we take him?
Swen: We could take him home.
Shulamith: He doesn't have home. That's why he's homeless.
Swen: Well, we're selling our house; he could buy it!

152. Swen will turn eight in May, so Shulamith has been doing some lessons on baptism with him.
Swen: I don't think I want to be eight. It's too hard. I'll just stay seven, so I can do whatever I want.

153. Shulamith and I got new iPhone XIs on Black Friday. Shulamith's is white; mine is red.
Swen (when he first saw my phone): Why would Mom get a boring white phone, when she could get a beautiful red phone like this?
Me: I have no idea, Swen.

154. We were at Disneyland last week, and I was eating one of my favorite things there, a giant turkey leg.
Swen: Her's really getting into that turkey leg!

155. Shulamith pays Swen $1.00 when he gets 100% on his weekly spelling test because before she started doing that, he didn't really try and usually got around 50%. Last week, he decided this might need to change.
Swen: Mom, you are going to need to get me an extra dollar if I get 100%. These spelling words are starting to get quite difficult.

156. Today at school, Swen and Kennedy had their annual Christmas store. Everything costs $1.00, and kids can bring dollars to buy gifts for their family members. Shulamith gave both Swen and Kennedy $5.00, so they could buy a gift for Mom, Dad, their two siblings, and me. Later, Swen was wrapping his presents, and his neighbor friend Delilah was there watching. As he wrapped my present, he explained to her why he was filling out the To/From tag the way he did.
Swen: Her's name is "Her," but Her doesn't put the right names on the presents. Her puts other people's names. So I'm putting "To Waffles" on Her's present. (My "code" this year is to mix up all our family names, so no one knows whose gifts are whose.)

157. We've been waiting a long time for the McDonald's on Ft. Union to finish its remodel, including a brand new play structure. It's finally open again, so we took Shulamith's kids there for dinner on Christmas Eve.
Swen (as he walked in to the "new McDonald's": This looks like Kansas state!