"Not the Same River"

I wrote earlier about FINALLY getting my van all legal and registered. I'm still so excited to be driving it again; it's almost like having a new car. But more interesting than that was Eli's reaction. A few days ago we were sitting around just chillin', when out of the blue, the following conversation occurred:

Eli: Now that the van is fixed, we can go to Disneyland!

Mom: You want to go to Disneyland?

Eli: Yeah. You guys went there when I was on my mission [guilty], so I want to go. And now that the van is fixed, we have enough room for all of us.

Mom: There are only seven seats in the van.

Eli: That's all we need. For the seven of us.

Mom: Wait...you want JUST the seven of us from our original family to go to Disneyland in the van?

Eli:  Yes.

Mom: You mean you want Luke to come from Indiana, and Shulamith to leave her two children, so we can all go to Disneyland together?

Eli:  Yes. It's perfect now that the van is fixed.

Mom: Honey, that is really never gonna happen. It's just not.


And on some level, Eli has to know this. He has to.

But it was such a sweet thought.

Let me be clear from the start that this has absolutely nothing to do with Eli's feelings about Shulamith's husband, Mathew or Luke's wife, Désirée. He likes them. He likes both of them. Instead, it speaks to his memories, his memories of the joy of childhood, all the "together" times when it was just Gerald and I and our five kids. How old does one have to be to feel nostalgic? I think Eli has reached that age, whatever it is. Nostalgia doesn't mean one is living in the past or even that one is yearning for the past; it means one cherishes memories of times gone by, times that however lovely, are no more.

I remember the year Shulamith and Matt got engaged. It was December, 2009, and Matt and I pulled off the biggest engagement surprise in the history of ever. Matt was with us in Billings up until Christmas Eve, when he flew home to Salt Lake City to be with his family. That evening, I remember thinking, "Tomorrow will be the last Christmas it is just the seven of us." That realization was not accompanied by any particular emotion, happy or sad. Still, it felt important. It felt like something worth acknowledging. The end of an era and the beginning of something very new.

The poet said, "A man cannot step into the same river twice. For it is not the same river, and he is not the same man." 

Eli, one day you too will marry, as will Isaiah, and a long long time from now, even Seth. And the future will be joyous. But no, the family trip to Disneyland with the seven of us in the minivan is not likely to ever come about. Still, I'm glad you treasure the memories just as I do.

I hope the others do as well.