"And he came to himself": Dispelling the myths about non-punitive parenting

Last weekend, I was talking to Eli's wife, Amanda, about our parenting style. She told me that when Eli first told her about how he was raised, she was stunned. She had never heard of anything remotely resembling our parenting style, and she couldn't imagine how it would work. The following are not Amanda's exact words, but they represent questions she, and others, have asked our kids over the years:

"What? You never had a bedtime or a curfew? You were never grounded or placed on restriction or denied privileges? You were never put in timeout? Your parents never forced you to say "please" or stop whining or sleep in your own room or eat foods you didn't like?"

When faced with questions such as these, I think my kids typically pause for a moment, then offer a single-word answer: "Uh.....no."

And then the typical followup: "Well what DID they do then? Did they just stand around and let you do whatever you wanted? Did all five of you just run wild?"

Of course not! Quite honestly, I think it takes more time and effort to choose positive, gentle parenting than to be punitive and authoritarian. But then I've never tried the latter, so I can't be sure.

For us, the key is respect. We respect our kids and their unique personalities. We also understand and respect their age-appropriate behavior. I wrote a post about this once titled "Just doin' their jobs." When we understand and, yes, celebrate age-appropriate behavior, we honor the growing-up process, so inherent in the Lord's plan. Ultimately, our kids want to make good choices, not because they fear punishment or negative consequences, but because they desire to be good people. They want to make good choices for the sake of making good choices, not to please us or others.

One of my favorite scripture stories is the account often referred to as the Prodigal Son, and my favorite line in that story is "And he came to himself" (Luke 15:17). It doesn't happen overnight. It can take weeks, months, years or even longer  for growing humans to "come to themselves," as they begin to understand their innate worth as children of Heavenly Parents, but it is well worth the wait! And really, aren't we all still in the process of internalizing this amazing truth? Don't we all struggle to "come to ourselves" day by day, week by week? It's one thing to train dogs using operant conditioning with promise of rewards vs. threat of punishment, but I would suggest that it isn't an okay way to treat Heavenly Father's precious children.

When you choose respectful, non-authoritarian parenting, I can promise you that others will question your decisions. Depending on how polite they are, some may even challenge your choices or even predict your failure and your children's failure. All of this has happened to us. Sometimes I was tempted to "cave," especially with our oldest two. I was a new mom, and no, I hadn't yet tested our parenting style. I was just going with my gut, with my instinct. Everything inside me said that these two precious little people were doing their very best, so I had to do my best too. They had only been on earth for such a short time; how could they know what to do? I had more experience, lots more, so it was my job to model appropriate behavior and allow them to learn in their own time from my example, and to love them through the process.

By the time our middle boys were born, I was far more secure in our parenting decisions. The older two were in school by then and doing well. Their teachers loved them, and they loved their teachers. Again, well-meaning advice givers would occasionally chime in about how my oldest two must be "special cases," "exceptionally easy children," "not typical." Haha, really they weren't. They were, and still are, just regular people, navigating through this mortal experience and just like us, the process of "coming to themselves." We continued on alongside them, doing our best to model good behavior and offering them our support both when they made, and didn't make, the best choices.

Our two middle boys were also pretty typical, though Eli was the most spirited kid I'd ever met. Passionate he was; oh my goodness! There were times Gerald and I felt like two tiny parents on the floor in a puddle, not exactly sure how to handle his powerful emotions. I distinctly remember holding him tight in my arms and whispering over and over in his ear, "Eli, we don't hit in our home; we only love each other." It took a long time for him to internalize this value, but eventually, he did! As he grew older, he channeled all that wonderful spirit and passion in positive directions, and today he is one of the kindest, most gentle souls I know.

My parenting style probably wouldn't work for everyone, though I wish more parents would give it a try. I think many would be shocked by how much more peaceful life can be when both parents and kids are on the same side. I've heard the phrase "Choose your battles," but what if there weren't any battles at all? Honestly, when you say "yes" to kids most of the time, on those rare occasions that you have to say "no," they tend to be much less resentful.

A wise man once said, "Treat your children as though they were special guests in your home because (guess what?), that's exactly what they are." I'm far from perfect with this, but I do try to keep these words in the back of my mind as I'm blessed with this final opportunity to parent the most awesome 16-year-old on the planet.

Amanda has told me I should write a book about this stuff or give a TED Talk. Hmmm, I don't know if I'll ever do either of those (maybe?), but I did feel prompted to write this post. If you ever want to discuss the specifics of gentle, non-punitive parenting, ping me. It's one of my very favorite subjects.