Anxiety. It's kinda like privilege.

I was thinking recently about privilege and how those of us who have never been in a particular marginalized group cannot understand what it's like to be there. We can try to understand. And we do try. We try our best. But no, unless we've experienced it, we can't fully understand. My hope is that acknowledging our inability to understand brings us a baby step forward, and with each baby step, we grow kinder, more tolerant, more accepting, and more Christlike.

Then I was also thinking about anxiety. I've been struggling with it a lot lately. Too many precious people I know have serious illnesses, and unfortunately, hearing about those throws me (and my anxiety) right into the stratosphere. It occurred to me that, like privilege, those who have never experienced anxiety can't ever really understand it.

As I've mentioned before, I do this little part-time gig called VIPKID, where I teach Chinese children English, using a platform similar to Skype. When I started way back in May, I never thought I'd do it this long, but truth be told, it's somewhat addictive. You wake up at some ungodly hour of the morning (the hardest part of the whole thing); put a shirt over your pajamas; chat with a cute Chinese kid for 25 minutes, using fully-prepared lesson slides; and you're suddenly $10 richer. So you think, "Hmmm. I could do that again." And you do. You can see the pattern of addiction.

Anyway, the topics of these English lessons vary widely. They include school, colors, physical activities, recreation, shopping, landmarks, countries, and more. And animals. They include ALL KINDS of animals. Do you see where this is going? Yep, you guessed it. Recently, my favorite student Jessica (her English name) came to a section of lessons called "Fish and Reptiles." When I first saw this lesson title, I thought, "Well okay, then. My VIPKID days are over." Because no way I can look at slides with pictures of snakes. I can barely look at that word right there that I just typed; it's seriously uncomfortable.

Shulamith to the rescue. She patiently went through all 25 lesson slides, as I wrote down which ones had bad pictures. Then she told me what to say for the bad slides because I would be covering up the screen and wouldn't be able to read the instructions. If this all sounds like a giant hassle, that's because it is!!

At one point I posted a message on the VIPKID Facebook page about this, asking for suggestions of how to teach the slides without looking at them. Responses varied. I found another soul as ophidiophobic as I am. Well, almost. But this one response is what got me to thinking about anxiety as it relates to privilege. The poster commented, "Just teach the lesson. The picture of the snake can't hurt you, you know."

No shit. (Sorry, but that's exactly what I thought.)

Yes, I'm well aware that pictures can't hurt me. Or sticks. Or ropes. Or garden hoses. Or Play-doh. That's the thing about anxiety. It isn't rational. No amount of logic will make it go away. And though it isn't rational or logical, and though it makes zero sense to anyone who hasn't experienced it, trust me, it's 100% real.

As I was teaching Jessica the following morning, anxiously and systematically watching for the 12 out of 25 slides that had unfavorable pictures, and taping a piece of paper over the screen while I taught those 12 slides, I thought more about anxiety, privilege, and lack of understanding. I'm pretty sure Shulamith has never had an anxious thought in her life. I'm so grateful not to have passed my anxiety disorder onto her. As a result, she can't fully understand what it's like or why it happens. Yet she was willing to help me, without judgment, and has done so multiple times since. Why? Because although she can't understand, she loves me and believes me.

Maybe that's the second baby step in our effort to understand privilege. Maybe it's love. First, we acknowledge our lack of understanding. Then we seek to love and believe others whose circumstances and experiences are different from ours.

Anxiety. It's kinda like privilege. Maybe the answer to both is love.