Four days ago, I had a panic attack. It sucked.

Four days ago I had a panic attack.

I realize this blog often contains sarcasm, hyperbole, metaphors, and irony, the product of my personality, voice, and writing style.

But I'm not being sarcastic, or exaggerating, or using figurative language for dramatic effect today. I had a real, genuine panic attack. A friend of mine and fellow blogger, writes frequently about her struggle with mental illness, particularly anxiety, in order to shed light on a subject so often misunderstood. Recently, she shared a video of herself at the end of an actual panic attack.

I've never recorded myself, and I probably won't, but in light of the two suicides of well-known celebrities this past week (and the countless others, no less important, of people we don't know), I thought I'd share a bit about my own struggle, especially what happened to me four days ago.

I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I can't think of a time when I wasn't worried about something. I was an anxious child and young adult, and motherhood only exacerbated my already-present anxiety, as I worry compulsively over the health and well-being of my five children. In the middle of a particularly bad night, I've even been known to say, "People with anxiety this bad should not have children!" Now, I don't really believe that; as I've said many times, motherhood was my divine destiny. Nothing compares with the joy I find in my role as a mom, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Yet in the depths of despair, I have uttered those words.

Although I experience general anxiety literally every day, my experience with full-on panic attacks is limited. I've only had a few. But let me tell you; that is a few too many! I know such experiences vary among people, but let me try to describe what happens to me, what happened to me four days ago.

I was sitting in my rocking chair. I'd just come home from school, and I was thinking about what I should eat (yes, food is always at the forefront of my mind) and what I should feed Isaiah and Seth. Suddenly, I began to feel pressure in my chest, pressure which worsened and then became painful, like an elephant was standing on top of me.

Thoughts raced through my mind:

I'm having a heart attack! What am I gonna do? I'm all alone. I'm going to die. 

Next, I began to feel numbing down my left arm. I shook my hand, trying to get it to go away. I rubbed my arm, but it was still tingling and numb. I was breathing rapidly and my pulse was racing. I felt sweaty and cold at the same time.

At that point, I tried to control my thoughts through self talk:

Terrianne. You are not having a heart attack. You are having a panic attack. The symptoms are similar, but people with heart disease have heart attacks, while people with anxiety have panic attacks. You have anxiety. Get up and get a drink of water. Breathe. This will be over soon.

I got water and walked around the house a bit. My symptoms began to decrease. The whole thing lasted maybe 10 minutes.


I tried to figure out what triggered it, but I'm still not sure. I had been on a hike earlier that day with Shulamith and her kids. Coming down the mountain, Shulamith was about five minutes ahead of me, and she and her daughter Kennedy encountered a big snake right on the trail in front of them. She and Kennedy prayed that I wouldn't see it on my way down behind them with Swen, and I didn't. She waited to tell me about it until we were already in the car because she knew I'd never come down, and Swen and I would live on that mountain forever.

Was that the trigger? Maybe.

Anxiety is, by definition, irrational, and these panic attacks seem so random. It's all very hard to understand, especially for people who haven't experienced it. I know people who think I'm making it up, that it's all make-believe, some sort of ploy for attention. Believe me; if I wanted attention, I'd find it some other way than feeling like I'm having a heart attack. I promise.

Since then, my anxiety has been high but no more panic attacks. For that I am grateful. I was awake much of last night, worrying about getting cancer and going to jail (not at the same time). I hope tonight is better. Probably will be because I'm so, so tired.

Four days ago I had a panic attack. It sucked.