Last Sunday evening, I was loading the dishwasher and wiping down counters, as everyone made their way to the door, headed home after our annual Halfway Christmas celebration. I heard my phone alert a text message from Shulamith, who had left just a couple minutes earlier. When I clicked on the message, the first thing I noticed was the all CAPS font:
DO NOT GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.
STAY INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.
DON'T EVEN OPEN THE DOOR.
It took not even a hot second for my brain to compute what was happening. Outside my house, at that very moment, was my worst phobia: one of those long creatures with no arms or legs. You see, I have what is not-so-commonly known as ophidiophobia. Be careful if you look it up. Cuz there might be a picture of one! You can read more about my lifelong journey with this phobia here, or here.
Suffice it to say that knowing one of those things was right outside my house was terrifying. What if I had gone outside first? What then?? My heart is racing just imagining it. Shulamith informed me that this "pet" belongs to a girl in the neighborhood, who lives on my street! Well great. Apparently, she likes to take it out for "walks" in the evening, when it begins to cool down but isn't too cold (because these reptilian creatures can't seem to regulate their own body temperatures). Notes to self: #1 Do not leave your house in the early evening. #2 Possibly add a second phobia to your repertoire: agoraphobia!
And if that wasn't enough, just two days ago, again in the early evening, I was getting ready to go to Eli and Amanda's house, when Shulamith sends me another frantic message:
"Other random people walking a massive sna** up your street. They were by the pool, but maybe wait a minute. I don't know which way they were going."
Are you freakin' kidding me???? Two in the same week?!
What was I to do? I was scared (to the point or panic) to go outside, but I needed to take Seth's dog out to go to the bathroom before going to Eli's. Was that thing still out there?! After much deliberation, I opted to take Waffles outside in our tiny, fully-fenced backyard area and try to convince him to go to the bathroom there. He was quite confused; we always go out front and walk around the neighborhood, but after about 20 minutes, he finally complied.
In my whole life, I had never met anyone else with this phobia, at least not as severe as mine. My brother has it, but not nearly this severe. However, I've recently learned that a kindergarten teacher on Shulamith's team has it, AND a girl in our neighborhood book group does also! Soulmates. I don't use people's names in this very public blog unless I know them well or have their permission, so I won't say the name of the girl in our book group, but if you happen to read this, my fellow ophidiophobe, be aware. Keep watch on your surroundings, especially if you're outside in the early evening. Two of these creatures live in our midst, so awareness is crucial.
I should add that I have nothing against the owners of these pets. They are well within their legal rights to keep these things and even take them outside for "walks." As Shulamith kindly pointed out: "You are the one with the phobia." Yes, indeed I am.
Oh yeah. Halfway Christmas. It happened. It was low-key. We ate turkey and stuffing. And ice cream. And opened one present each. Here are some pics:
My mother had that very same phobia and it was almost as bad as yours!
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so sorry for her, Cyndi. It's definitely not fun!
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