Zero Gravity, Birthday Bashes, A Baby Shower, and Halfway Christmas still to come!

"It's great, once you get over feeling like you're in the hospital." - Tom Webster

The second week in May, Gerald and I traveled to the Pacific Northwest, where I embarked on a glorious week of human connections: joyous renewal of relationships, time with extended family and forever friends. My brother Tom kindly welcomed me to stay at his house, and while I was there, he told me about the new bed he recently purchased, a Sleep Number with an adjustable base. I was already thinking about replacing our mattress in the next few months, though I hadn't considered a Sleep Number. 

As he told me about its many features, I grew intrigued. Of course the "sleep number" means you get to choose your perfect level of firmness from 100 (most firm) to 1 (softest). Then the base allows you to raise your head and/or your feet as high as you like. (Yes, Tom, it's kinda like being in the hospital, but not really, cuz the mattress itself is way more comfortable.) The under-bed lighting provides a lighted path if you need to get out of bed when it's dark, and an app on your phone tracks your heart rate and respiration through the night and gives you a sleep score each morning, based on how close you came to meeting your sleep goals. (Awesome, yet another anxiety trigger!)

"Well, I certainly don't need all that," I thought. Until I went into the Sleep Number store here in Utah and found out that the tracking app and the under-bed lighting come standard with all their beds, so I guess I do need those? The base is separate, so I told the sales guy I wanted one that raises only my head. "I don't need my feet raised up too," I explained. 

But then. Then..... he proceeded to put me into Zero Gravity. 

Oh my goodness! 

"I lied." I told the sales guy. "I actually do need my feet to raise up, because Zero Gravity for the Win!

A couple weeks later, my new Sleep Number bed was delivered, and I love it. So much. I kinda wanna live in my bed. But really. 

Along with my new addiction to Zero Gravity set to Sleep Number 70, June brought two birthday celebrations, which wound up on the same day! Shulamith threw her daughter Kennedy's 10th birthday party three weeks early, so Kennedy could hand out invitations the last week of school. Summer birthdays are challenging, and this made it easier. Kennedy had a pool party with all her friends from school, dance, church, and the neighborhood. She was definitely the queen of the day and had so much fun. 

That same evening, our family met at a Thai restaurant in Lehi to celebrate Seth's 24th birthday. My baby is 24! Eeeek, that makes no sense. He was recently promoted from his receptionist/front office position at a law firm to a legal assistant. He's taking everything in and learning so much, as he prepares to take the LSAT this fall.

Right on the heels of all the birthday bashes, I had the honor to host a baby shower for my friend Jacquelyn. We gathered and ate way too much dessert, talked all things "baby," and celebrated Jacquelyn and her new baby boy, due make his earth debut July 23rd. I didn't get a picture cuz I'm lame like that, but I do have a chart with everyone's predictions (date and time of birth, weight, length) for Jacquelyn's sweet little boy. I'm excited to deliver the prize to the person whose guesses were closest!

Still to come in June is our family's pretend holiday: Halfway Christmas! We are celebrating this coming Sunday, June 30th, so stay tuned for all the details...

...also, it's not too late. Your family could celebrate Halfway Christmas too. It's the best. You won't regret it. 

It wasn't Israel

Over a year ago, I scheduled a trip for Gerald and me to the Holy Land. The break between spring and summer semesters is the only time I can travel for the length of time needed for such a trip, so we booked our tour reservations for mid-May, 2024. 

Then, the horror of war. 

For months, we watched the situation escalate. My heart hurts for everyone involved in this awful mess, and it feels selfish to be concerned for my own vacation plans. Ultimately, we canceled and rescheduled our Israel/Jordan trip for May, 2025.

"So what do we do this May?" We decided to fly over to the Pacific Northwest, our "home," and visit Gerald's family (Everett, Washington) and mine (Portland, Oregon), along with a couple stops in between for me to visit friends. I promised myself I'd get pictures of everyone I saw along the way, but I only kept that promise 50% of the time. It wasn't for lack of dedication; it's just that I was so invested in the moment, visiting all these beloved friends and family members, that preserving it in a picture too often escaped my mind. Sorry.

We flew to Sea-Tac, rented a Turo, and drove up I-5 to Everett. Gerald's mom is currently in rehab, mending a broken hip, post surgery. She's doing great, and it was good to see her making excellent progress for someone who is 93! Keep walking, Vi! The second day in Everett, we had the pleasure of lunch with Gerald's brother Glenn and his wife Monica. Glenn always brings us the best Thai food, and the whole afternoon was a delight. And yes, this was one of the times I forgot to take a picture. 

Both mornings in Everett I took long, lovely walks. The first day was sunny, but the second day was perfection: my favorite overcast skies with just the slightest drizzle of rain. Every time I walk in Pacific Northwest rain, I tell myself I'm staying forever. (Every time, I ultimately miss my kids too much and return to Utah.) 

The following day, Gerald stayed in Everett with his family, and I drove south. I stopped at SouthCenter Mall near the airport to meet up with my cousin, Diana. We've kept in touch through socials, but hadn't seen each other in person since her wedding in 1993!! I was there with my four little kids, Eli only eight months old, to witness Diana marry her sweetheart Jeff. Diana and I had the best, best visit as we looped the mall together; I had over 12,000 steps before I got back in my car to continue on to Portland. (Note: It will not be 30 years before this reunion happens again!)

South I went, just in time to encounter rush hour traffic on I-5 coming into the Portland area. Eeeeek! We like to complain about traffic here in the Salt Lake Valley, but we don't even have a clue. Finally, I made it to my mom's/brother's house in Happy Valley! I hate driving generally, and especially in craziness traffic, so I was grateful to get into my mom's car and let Tom drive us to a food truck corral for dinner, where I had super yummy Indian food. The next morning, my mom and I met my niece Carley for breakfast. I hadn't seen her since her wedding either (Is this a pattern?), though hers was just this past November. And this was another time I forgot to get a picture (sigh). 

Saturday, Tom and my mom and I had breakfast together, and look! I got a picture!

Then Tom went home, and my mom and I became mall rats. I basically grew up in malls, shopping with my mom and grandma, whose words still echo in my mind: "Tannie, if we get separated, meet under the clock at Meier & Frank." Malls will always be a happy place for me, though I fully own up to my role in their demise, whenever I go to my front porch and retrieve my latest Amazon order. That said, Clackamas Town Center was surprisingly busy. We wandered through stores, I tried on lots of clothes (!), and we finished with decadent Cinnabons. 

That evening, my niece Leslie came for dinner with her two kids. Tom's friend Yvonne make incredible Mexican food, and we all laughed and visited and had so much fun. And, you guessed it: no picture. 

The next morning, I climbed into my Turo, waved goodbye to my family, and began the trek home to Utah, which meant driving back up to Sea-Tac to return the car, meet up with Gerald, and fly home. Here we are on FrontRunner.

Driving north that day, I stopped for three hours in Vancouver, Washington to hang out with my best friend, Lorelei. I use the word "best" with a bit of elasticity, so just go with me on that. Of course my immediately family are my best friends, but I also have a small handful of other besties, who are not related to me by blood or marriage. Only one lives near me up in Sandy. The others are scattered here and there, in places like St. George, Rexburg, Billings, and Vancouver. Of these dear souls, Lorrie is the one I've known longest. We met when I was 13 in Rainbow Girls and became instant homies. We were honor attendants in each other's weddings, corresponded through email for decades, and most importantly, we've prayed for each other with constancy through the many highs and lows of mortality. 

It reminds me of one of my favorite relationships in scripture, between Jonathan and David. In 1 Samuel 18:1, we read, "...the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." This, to me, is the definition of covenant friendship, that which is eternal, forever bonded. It's like that with Lorrie, along with a few others, and I am so very grateful. I could call any one of them if I was in need. And they would rescue me. Because like Jonathan and David, our souls are knit together. Once again, no picture, but if you want to see Lorrie, click the link above to my post about Rainbow. Lorrie is the beautiful girl standing to my right with long, brown hair. 

It wasn't Israel. It wasn't my plan for May. But it was good, nonetheless. I came home to Eli, Amanda, and Jane temporarily living here in our house (the nest is once again full, and I couldn't be happier!), but that is a story for another post, another time, so stay tuned.

Pomp and Circumstance + Mother's Day Joy!

Also known as the graduation march, "Pomp and Circumstance" always floods my mind with nostalgia and my eyes with tears. I go all the way back to memories of my own two commencement ceremonies, marking my undergrad degree from Willamette University and my master's from Western Oregon U. But those two days pale in comparison to watching my own children march boldly into various celebratory venues and receive their degrees. 

We made education a priority in our family, vowing to help our kids financially as much as we were able, if they chose the path of higher education. They all did. Luke graduated from Whitman College in 2006 with a bachelor's degree in psychology and religious studies, and in 2014 from Indiana University with a Ph.D. in psychology. Shulamith graduated from Westminster College in 2008 with a bachelor's degree in elementary education. Isaiah shares Shulamith's alma mater, earning his bachelor's degree in computer science in 2014 from Westminster. Eli graduated from BYU-Idaho in 2018 with a bachelor's degree in elementary education.

And now...........................SETH! 

Just over a week ago, I stood in the UCCU Center on the campus of Utah Valley University, as the familiar music began to play, and a flood of green caps and gowns processed through the center of the auditorium. I was crying before I even found Seth. I quickly texted him. "I'm standing up near the stage. When you find your seat, look left of the orchestra and wave!" 

A couple minutes later, he texted back, "I see you!!! I'm waving now."

Our glances met immediately. My crying turned to sobbing, as I jumped up and down, clapping and waving to Seth. My baby. My last graduate. I am so blessed to be his mom and so proud of all he has accomplished in his brief 23 years. And for some reason, all this crazy emotion was tied up in this one moment. 

It was, indeed, a moment.

The ceremony, itself, was less than stellar. The keynote speaker was a self-made billionaire, who spoke for an entire hour (yes, you read that right), and basically said this: If you work very hard and never give up, you can be a billionaire like me, because rejection is just God's protection, and there is only one "you" in the whole universe, so make sure your soul reminds your brain of that every day. 

Over and over and over. For an hour. Not kidding. I was able to escape for a break in the middle and go to the bathroom, but poor Seth was stuck down there in his seat. At one point he texted, "Okay, I'm really starting to get annoyed now. I might start playing chess. I think I see why you love giving talks so much. Hearing this speech makes me want to write a good one."

,,,and bit later, this: "She has a book! We should buy it! I wonder what valuable lessons it holds."

...and finally this: "Okay this is ridiculous, I'm gonna lose my stuff, Mom. She just said the same thing. Word for word. Again. I can't. This is so bad."

It really was that bad. 

We thought it might never end, but eventually it did....until the next afternoon, when Seth had a smaller ceremony, for just the College of Humanities and Social Sciences. This one much better! We got to hear Seth's name read and see him walk across the stage. More tears. More pride. More joy.

That night I hosted a party for him, well more accurately, Amanda and I hosted a party. She decorated our clubhouse in black and gold, and built a balloon arch, and did all sorts of things I could never do. Thank you, Amanda! Our family gathered, along with several of Seth's friends, to show Seth how proud we are and how much we love him. I think he felt it. 

Mother's Day came along way too close on the heels of that huge weekend, and I was also buried in essays, so we decided to keep it small. Shulamith and I felt that the three mothers in the family should not have to plan, cook or clean, so we went to a park where Shulamith's and Eli's kids could play. I got to sit in the breezy sunshine and chat with Eli. Then we grabbed some dinner at Cafe Rio, where Isaiah and Seth joined us, so I could have all four of my Utah kids with me for Mother's Day. 

And I came home to a clean house without doing any work at all. Fabulous! 

The Luck of Texas

Me (a few years ago): Wouldn't it be fun to take each of your kids on a short trip of their choice around their 12th birthday?

Shulamith: Yeah, let's do that.

Then we blinked, and Swen was coming 12. Crazy. During the past year, we've talked to him about where he might like to go. He had no idea. As it came closer, we needed to settle on something so we could make a plan. Still no idea. Finally, we made a list of possibilities, and let him choose. 

#1 The Oregon coast or California, where we could spend time at the beach.

#2 A short cruise out of Los Angeles, stopping for one day in Mexico.

#3 Washington D.C.

#4 Texas

As an aside, Swen is obsessed with Texas. I think this stems from one of his favorite shows, Young Sheldon, but true to form, Swen took it to the next level, and even made a giant Texas state flag to hang in his room! A while back, every day he would shout questions at us, and make us answer in a certain way: WHAT ARE YOU? (A true Texan.) WHAT DO TEXANS DO (They never give up.) WHAT DO THEY LIKE? (Guns!) To be clear, neither Shulamith not I has even the slightest affinity for the state of Texas, and we both detest guns.With all our hearts and souls, we do. Nevertheless, we complied with all this babble because we pretty much do whatever Swen tells us to do.

So we sat him down and reviewed these four options for a trip. He reacted with nominal interest in the first three, but when we mentioned #4, his eyes lit up to match the stunned smile on his face as he said, "You could take me to Texas?"

There was no further discussion. Shulamith decided that San Antonio was the best place to go, because they have both SeaWorld and Six Flags. We spent three days there and experienced the luck of Texas, both bad and good:

Bad luck

Food. We did not succeed very well with food. Evidently, we needed Isaiah to tell us where to eat. The food at SeaWorld was edible, barely; the food at Six Flags was not. We literally threw away our hot dogs. How do you ruin a hot dog, though? The last night we wanted to find some Texas barbecue, and Shulamith used google reviews to find a place, and it seemed like it should be good? But not really. 

Boomerang ride at Six Flags. It was the first ride we went on, and the wait was two full hours. Just as we reached the landing to load, they shut it down for some sort of maintenance check. The ride, itself, was amazing (as were the other five or six roller coasters we had time for), but a two-hour wait for your first ride of the day? Ugh.

Very bad luck

Stolen AirPods. Can you even believe that? We returned from our day at SeaWorld to find Shulamith's AirPods missing. She had left them on their charging station out in plain sight, sadly. I guess all it takes is one dishonest housekeeper. Shulamith called the front desk, and they said they would leave a note for the head of housekeeping, but we don't think that happened. We asked about it again as we checked out, and the person at the desk seemed entirely disinterested and disengaged. Awesome.

The worst luck

Horrible Diet Coke everywhere! Okay tell me, what is the deal with Texas and Diet Coke?? The first day we stopped at a Maverik, like we do most days, and expected our normal fountain Diet Coke. It was wretched! We tried another gas station. Same. I can't explain what it tasted like exactly, but I'd definitely recognize it if I ever had the misfortune of tasting it again. Which I did the very next day at SeaWorld!! Gross. Seriously, what the actual heck?

Bad luck for Shulamith and me; good luck for Swen

Gun store. More than anything, Swen wanted to visit an actual gun store. Whyyyyyy? But this was his trip, so we sucked it up and took him. I can't describe how uncomfortable it felt in there. Eeeek. I mean it wasn't quite as bad as being in the reptile house at the zoo, but almost.Wall-to-wall firearms. Not all were assault weapons; they had hunting rifles, which make some semblance of sense to me, though I wouldn't ever want to get near one, but one entire wall displayed giant assault rifles, whose sole purpose is to kill people. That's it. How very, very sad. In the back of the store they had a target practice room. We weren't allowed in there (Thank you, Jesus(!), because Swen really wanted to go), but windows provided a full view. They had big papers with outlines of human beings, so you could practice shooting them in all the right places. Meine Gute. Well, that's all I'll say about that.

Good luck

Cheap flights out of Provo Airport. For real, if you've never flown out of Provo, I highly recommend it. It's a cute little airport, with one restaurant counter, no line for security, and nice TSA agents. I stopped and offered my heartfelt thanks to the guy for treating me with the respect I deserve. I'm so tired of those people yelling at me and telling me what to do, without so much as a simple please."SHOES OFF, ELECTRONICS OUT, FEET ON FOOTPRINTS, HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD!" Shut the "F" up. They irritate me so much that I refuse to make eye contact with them and move through the process as slowly as I possibly can, because you know, that's definitely the mature response. But this guy provided excellent service and was kind. Wow!

Meal at Torchy's Tacos. The only exception to our bad luck with food was the one meal we ate at Torchy's Tacos. Yummmm! I had one taco with barbacoa, avocado, cotija cheese, onions, and cilantro; and another with grilled chicken, onions, and peppers, pico and cheddar jack cheese. Shulamith got that one too, along with a breakfast one. All were, as the sign informed: "Damn good tacos." We need a Torchy's here in Utah.

Pills that allow Shulamith to ride rides. She generally can't ride anything that spins without feeling nauseous, and even some roller coasters make her sick. But these pills helped so much that she was able to ride almost everything with Swen and me.

Very good luck

The weather both days. We thought it was gonna be so hot, but our two days in the parks were overcast and pleasant. Shulamith doesn't love the humidity, but for me it's a win because my skin feels so soft, unlike here.

No lines at SeaWorld. Not even kidding. We literally walked onto the rides. Swen and I rode the Tidal Surge three timers in a row! It's a giant swing that goes high and fast. Shulamith did this one only once, but at least she did it!

Alligator. Swen and Shulamith petted an alligator! Fortunately, it was a baby, and small enough not to bite them! I did NOT pet the thing, which is gonna grow about a foot a year and eventually be 12-feet long.

The best luck

Spending four uninterrupted days with our favorite Swen! He says it was the best trip of his life, and that is all we could have hoped for!

(I don't think he's ever seen one before!)

How do you make sourdough? Let me share my secret!

Suddenly (it feels like), sourdough is a thing. I'm sure people made sourdough bread throughout history. 

But now it's a thing. It's trending. 

Is that the result of COVID? People were stuck home, so they learned how to make sourdough? Then they gave starter to all their friends? And now everyone makes it? Possible.

At least that's how it happened in our family. Shulamith's husband Mathew learned to make sourdough during COVID when he was working remotely from home. Of course, Matt's a culinary god, so it probably wasn't quite as hard for him as it would be for others to hone his skills and process, one loaf at a time, to utter perfection. And yes, he does make perfect sourdough.

If you're wondering when I'm going to get to the point here, the part about the secret to making sourdough, wait no longer.

What is my secret to making sourdough?

This girl....

Her name is Amanda, and she is one of my best friends. She is also Eli's very cool wife. Amanda is one of several recipients of Matt's sourdough starter, and she has worked diligently the past few months to perfect her own sourdough. If you haven't tried making sourdough, you may not know that it's a l-o-n-g process; for both Amanda and Matt, it takes two whole days! You have to worry about "proofing" (which, I think, means leaving the dough to rise just the right amount, at just the right temperature). You do this at least twice, maybe even more? Then you also have go through the "stretching and folding" process several times. I saw a meme that compared this to a "grownup's slime play," and yes, that's what it looks like.

How would a terrible cook like me ever do all this? She wouldn't. Not a chance. My secret to making delicious sourdough is beautifully simple. Get Amanda to make it for me. I know you're all shaking your heads while looking at your flour-covered hands and flour-covered kitchens and wondering. "Why didn't I think of this?"

I know, right? But too late. She's already taken. She's mine. Every few days, I get a fresh loaf of yummy sourdough. Made at home, it's about the healthiest bread you could eat. The ingredients are flour, water, and salt. That's it. I read that the fermentation process actually serves to stabilize blood sugar, which has proven true, as Shulamith's T1 diabetic son, Swen, experiences no spike at all after eating his dad's sourdough.

Eli and Amanda celebrated their 8th wedding anniversary a couple days ago. There is a long list of reasons why I'm grateful these two found each other and now I get to hang out with Amanda, but this sourdough is pretty dang high on that list.

I almost missed church!

Of all the church services of the year, it seems Easter would be the one not to miss. I mean isn't Easter the highest, most holy day on the Christian calendar? 

And yet......I almost missed it.

I woke up at 5:30 a.m. Sunday morning and glanced at my phone. "No. Nooooo! I am NOT getting up at 5:30 a.m." I turned over and pulled the warm covers over my head, adjusted my pillow just right, and closed my eyes. But sleep did not come. Instead, the long list of tasks I still needed to complete in preparation for our Easter celebration ruminated through my brain. Anxiety? Perhaps. Or maybe just normal "mom brain" on a major holiday. Either way, it was clear I wasn't going back to sleep. 

I got up and threw on my big Montana coat over my pajamas and took Waffles out to go to the bathroom. Back inside, I scrolled briefly through my favorite workout videos and selected one of the 30-minutes, full body ones with trainers Toya and Juice. I have several go-to videos with various trainers, but I love these two for a couple reasons: She (Toya) always demonstrates the more challenging options, while he (Juice) shows the easier modifications. She is so strong! Ooooh! But more importantly, neither of them chatters at me through the workout. I hate it when these trainers decide to be motivational inspirers. Stay in your own lane. If I want a life coach, I'll find me one. All I want from you is to model the strength training.

I planned to shower and get ready after working out, but it was so much earlier than I anticipated, you know, because it was never my plan to get up at 5:30 a.m. (Grrrrrrr!). So instead, I hid 63 candy-filled, plastic eggs all over the house and put finishing touches on baskets. Then I made green bean casserole, stuffing, and brownies. Finally, I put on sweats and a coat and headed out to walk. It had been overcast earlier when I took Waffles out, but now it was full on raining! What a perfect Easter morning! Rain, beautiful rain. I felt like I was home in the Pacific Northwest. I put in my AirPods and continued listening to my audiobook, as I walked. And walked. And walked. And totally lost track of time. 

Drenched, but happy, I glanced at my watch. Eeeek, it was 9:20 a.m., and I was supposed to be at Eli's church at 10:00 to attend sacrament meeting with him and Amanda and watch Amanda lead the music. I power-walked home, took the quickest shower of my life, got dressed, and did makeup and hair, all in about 20 minutes. By 9:50, I was in my car driving way too fast to Herriman. I arrived about 15 seconds before the meeting began. It was a good meeting. Their ward is huge, and with all the extra "Easter" people (like me!) the congregational hymns were lively and inspiring. We sang the standard "Christ the Lord is Risen Today" and "He is Risen," and the Primary kids sang "The Miracle," one of my favorites.

After church, I went to Eli and Amanda's house to eat crepes and watch Jane find eggs and open her Easter basket. 

Then I left the three of them to take naps, and returned home to finish my own Easter prep. At around 5:30, Seth and Isaiah arrived, followed by Shulamith and family, then Eli, Amanda, and Jane. Our home was filled to the brim with so many of my favorite people, so much noise, and so much scrambling to find the 63 plastic eggs the "Easter Bunny" had hidden. I'm so grateful my big kids still love to hunt for eggs; I'm pretty sure I'll cry if the day ever comes when they decide they're too old.

We decided to have "Thanksgiving dinner" for Easter, and Mathew smoked two turkeys on his amazing Traeger grill. All the food seemed extra good for some reason, and dessert was no exception. We had ice cream brownie sundaes, with toppings that included Thin Mint and Samoa Girl Scout cookies; Reese's Peanut Butter Cups; Kit Kat bars; fresh strawberries and raspberries and bananas (healthy, right?); hot fudge and caramel sauce; rainbow sprinkles; and whipped cream!

After eating all this food, I rolled myself upstairs and into bed, exhausted from the very early start to a very busy day. But grateful. So grateful to have the coolest family ever and that they all love to be together. And grateful for the risen Lord, whose selfless sacrifice offers us grace, redemption, and life eternal.

"Death is conquered; we are free. Christ has won the victory."

Speechless

It is rare for me to be at a loss for words. But it happened.

In fact, so speechless was I that it's been a few days since this incident occurred, and I'm only now putting words to it. 

I sat at my desk in my home office, feeling great after grading the last of 62 annotated bibliographies. I should have just walked downstairs and cracked open a fresh can of Diet Coke. Or wandered down the hall to my bedroom and climbed in bed to watch a show. Or picked up my Kindle and continued reading about Phil Knight, the creator or Nike, in his memoir, Shoe Dog.

I should have done anything but what I did: open Outlook for my three schools. As I scrolled through a dozen emails, one stood out because I didn't recognize the student's name. Then I noticed that it came from a student in my hybrid class, which meets on Mondays only. Because of all the Monday holidays this semester, this class has only met nine times. Maybe that's why I didn't recognize the student's name?

I clicked on the email. It was pure ChatCPT start to finish. Eight paragraphs of annoyingly bland sentences, pablum really, with that nauseating cadence unique to robotic writing. Blah. And what did these eight paragraphs say, you may be wondering? An apology for the student's "recent lack of participation" and an understanding that "consistent attendance and engagement are essential components of a successful academic experience." Next, it explains that the student has been facing significant challenges due to a "heavy workload from other classes." After eight paragraphs of this, the robot email concludes by expressing gratitude for my "understanding and patience" and that my "support and guidance are greatly appreciated."

After throwing up (okay, not really, but almost), I flipped over to Canvas to check this student's progress and grades. Turns out the student has never, even once, attended class. The attendance record shows Present, 0 days; Tardy, 0 days; Absent, 9 days. No wonder I didn't recognize the name; I've never met this person! Then I checked grades. The student currently has 0%, having submitted not a single assignment. Then I checked email history. No prior emails. So in Week #11 of a 15-week semester, this student contacts me for the first time ever, asking for help. And the worst part of all?????

They do it using that awful ChatGPT! 

Zero genuine voice. Zero captivating tone. Zero rhetorical style. This, along with zero attendance and zero grade percentage left me with....uh....

Zero words. Speechless. (And sad. Also sad. Because I really do want all my students to succeed.)