All Because I Didn't Get a Bundt Cake!

In order to understand this particular post, you will need to know two things. Most of you already know the first, but possibly not the second:

1. I suffer from a chronic anxiety disorder, that (when it's at its worst) specifies itself to intense, irrational fear of terminal illnesses.

2. On 103rd and State Street in Sandy, right across the street from The Shops at South Town, in an inconspicuous strip mall, sits a tiny establishment called Nothing Bundt Cakes.

What do these two facts have in common? More than you'd think.

This past month my stupid anxiety has been ridiculous. As in terrible. Really. Really. Sucky. Blah. My whole body has been locked in high alert, the "fight or flight" response, my mind consumed with thoughts of dying, which in turn produces symptoms of one disease after another, and can you see the downward cycle here? Sleep becomes impossible, leaving me both exhausted and terrified and unable to fix either.

Quick shout out to my awesome family: Even after years of dealing with my anxiety, they're still around. Eli and Amanda brought up incense and lotion, both designed to be calming and to decrease stress. Shulamith googled all my symptoms and repeatedly reassured me that I am 100% healthy. I had promised myself I wouldn't wake Gerald up, because he doesn't get nearly enough sleep as it is, and he can't really help anyway, but I reneged on that promise one of the nights, when it was 3:00 a.m. and I hadn't slept at all, and the following day was Easter, and I had so much to do! Many people would have given up on me years ago, but these guys hang in. They are my team.

The other team member is Emily, my friend and walking partner. She likes to figure stuff out (and she's very good at it), so together, we speculated about what might have triggered this recent episode. Yes, I'm a little extra anxious about Seth this transfer, but no, I don't think that's enough to send my anxiety brain to this degree of crazy. Could it be the stress of trying to juggle two schools? Well it certainly didn't help that last week was the final week of winter semester at Salt Lake Community College AND the first week of spring semester at LDS Business College. No lie. I thought I had a handle on it, until Tuesday when I was was rattling on about my new classes at LDSBC, and Shulamith said, "So you're not going to SLCC tomorrow?"

Wait...what????

"Noooooooo. I have face-to-face classes at 11:30 at two different colleges tomorrow. What am I gonna do?"

Olivia Pope (aka Shulamith Webster) to the rescue. She offered to teach the last day of my SLCC class, so I could go to the first day of LDSBC. All's well that ends well, but oh my goodness!

Still, none of this is sufficient to trigger the heightened response of the past month. The only other thing I can think of is the lack of a bundt cake. You see, often (okay, too often), when Shulamith and I happen to be out at the mall in Sandy, we'll make a quick hop across the street to Nothing Bundt Cakes and each pick up our own little individual bundt cake. For a few weeks, we did this weekly. And then we didn't. I don't think I've had a bundt cake in like FOUR WEEKS!

I know chronology doesn't always equal causality, but I'm not taking any chances. It's not worth the risk, now that I'm just beginning to feel better. Shulamith, if you're reading this (and I know you are), we are getting bundt cakes tomorrow. Plan on it.

"Mom! You're gonna be so proud of me!"

Near the end of our video chat this morning, Seth exclaimed, "Mom! I almost forgot. You're gonna be so proud of me! Are you ready for this? Can you even handle it?"

"Well first off, I'm already so proud of you. Not sure I could be any prouder. But okay, tell me."

"I'm playing the piano every week in Sacrament Meeting!"

"Okay, you win, Seth. I'm even prouder than I was five minutes ago."

Back story: Seth was 11 years old before he started piano lessons. His older brothers, Isaiah and Eli, started much earlier, at ages 8 and 6, respectively. The truth is when we lived in Montana, I sort of dropped the ball finding Seth a teacher. I was so busy with everything that I just didn't do it, even though he kept asking for lessons.

When we moved to Utah in 2011, one of my first tasks was to find Seth a piano teacher. He started lessons right away, and we were blindsided by how quickly he progressed. Turns out he had more natural talent for piano than either of his next two older brothers. I regretted not finding him a teacher in Montana.

Fast forward three years. At age 14, Seth had a solid foundation, and I so wished he would continue lessons through high school like Eli did, but alas, he chose to stop, just as Isaiah did at around the same age. I'm not one to force my kids to do extracurricular activities. They get to decide. Seth didn't play piano at all through high school, but before he quit, we had a little conversation that went like this:

Seth: I'm tired of piano.
Me: I'd like you to at least finish out this school year.
Seth: Why?
Me: Because one day, you might go on a mission to someplace far away, where no one in your branch plays the piano. The members there will be so grateful that you can play and can share your talent to bless them in that way.

And here we are. Right there. Did I call it, or what?

Apparently, Seth's branch had a guy who played, but then he had back surgery, so they were just singing with no accompaniment. Seth approached the Branch President: "Uh, I could play, if you need me to. I can do my best." The Branch President was thrilled.

"Mom! You're gonna be so proud of me!"

Oh my little baby, you have no idea.

Conference Reflections: Walk the covenant path!

April 2019 General Conference is now a week-old memory. I just went back and reviewed my 11 pages of notes. Don't get too excited; they are just notes, not full sentences, mostly brief bullet points of what I perceived to be the key points of the talks. If I don't take notes, the talks all run together in my mind, one on top of the next, and by the end of 10 hours, I haven't a clue who said what.

I enjoyed Conference. Really I did, despite the fact that my heart ached, missing my Seth. I brought out his bungee chair, just in case anyone else might want to sit in it to watch Conference with me. No one sat in it, I don't think, but there it was anyway. Memories threw me back to Seth in PJs, setting up this chair in front of the TV, pen and paper in hand for seminary notes, awaiting the General Conference snacks I bring out periodically throughout the weekend. This was my second General Conference without him. Two down; two to go.

I could summarize every talk (remember these 11 pages of notes right here), but you don't have the time or energy for that. Instead, may I highlight just a few things that stood out? If I had to write a cumulative theme for the five sessions, I would call it "Walk the covenant path!" So many talks focused on the steps, both big and small, that we can take to keep ourselves walking that path, as well as what to do when (not if) we slip off.

Like many of you, I always anxiously await Elder Uchtdorf's remarks, and I didn't have to wait long this time because he spoke Saturday morning. My notes on his talk are titled "Dieter the Man!" (Don't be offended. I know he wouldn't be.) Seriously, if any human can take a topic like member missionary work and make it awesome, it's Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He made something challenging seem, well, possible, uh, even exciting. Instead of retreating with closed eyes, hiding from the chance to share the gospel, Elder Uchtdorf suggested that if we walk the [covenant] path of discipleship and share what is in our hearts, we can trust the Lord to work his miracles. "Our job is to love!"

Saturday afternoon, I was introduced to Mathias Held of the Seventy. I hadn't heard of him before, but now I'm pretty sure we're related. My mom's birth name is Held, and it's not that common a name, right? Either way, I loved his talk. He told his personal conversion story, about how he and his wife postponed getting baptized because they felt they needed to know EVERYTHING first. Reading Mosiah 18 and understanding the importance of seeing with both physical and spiritual eyes eventually influenced their decision to make that covenant.

That session concluded with the brilliant rhetoric of my favorite speaker (always), Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He did not disappoint. Just like Elder Uchtdorf, Elder Holland is somehow able to point out where we need to repent, without ever leaving us to feel less than or unworthy, in fact, quite the opposite! His talk inspired and uplifted, while at the same time explaining the need for punctuality at sacrament meeting and for a respectful tone in the chapel, in order to make the sacrament the focal point of our week-long journey along the covenant path. Eli texted the family chat, "I guess I need to work on getting to church on time." My reply, "Yep, until you have a diaper bag with you; then you get a free pass, apparently." Guys, if you missed this talk, stop what you're doing right now (even reading my blog), and go listen to it. Don't read it. You'll miss so much. Listen and watch!

Sunday morning, I was mesmerized by Sister Sharon Eubank. Wow! She explained that while "Satan works to dim our light, Jesus lifts us from grief, pain, and affliction." She also advised us to "step back, and ask Heavenly Father what to let go of" because no, we can't do everything. She concluded by testifying that Jesus reaches out to everyone, even the most marginalized: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Wherever we are, at any moment, we can always take a few more [baby] steps on the covenant path.

The Sunday morning session concluded with President Nelson. A Facebook friend of mine posted afterward, "Well I guess you can't drink coffee while serving your 12-month mission." Ahh, the General Conference rumors! Not gonna lie. The rumor about a shortened mission length for elders had me more than a little bit hopeful. I tried not to be. But I was. Nevertheless, I felt blessed to hear President Nelson speak about other things. I smiled when he counseled those who are not sure they even believe in God to "Start there! Seek experiences with him." And yes, when the Lord's prophet reminds us to "Do it now" because "Time is running out!" I'm inclined to listen.

The final session of Conference was probably my favorite? Maybe? It's hard to choose. It included so many excellent talks. Elder Juan Pablo Villar of the Seventy expressed gratitude for his body. After a week of crazy high anxiety (meaning full-on obsession with fear of fatal illness - ugh), it was good for me to reflect on the gift of my HEALTHY body. His story of going to visit his older brother who was serving a mission, when Elder Villar himself was not yet a member of the Church, and spending 10 hours that day walking the streets, of course made me think of Seth. Elder Villar said, "My heart bathed in love from Heaven." I think Seth would echo those words.

Then Elder Bednar reminded us that our homes should be MTCs, as he reinforced the "home centered, church supported" model for gospel learning. We cannot borrow gospel light from others, at least not forever. "What have you learned this week about the Savior in your home study?" Next, Elder Kyle S. McKay of the Seventy spoke about God's timing. We can have "immediate hope for eventual deliverance," and however long that takes, his kindness will not depart from us.

Finally, my favorite talk on Sunday was by Elder Gerrit W. Gong. He started by asking the question, "Have you ever counted sheep?" Uh yeah. And pigs, dogs, zebras, and salamanders as well, because when my stupid anxiety is misbehaving, nighttime is the absolute worst. None of this counting business ever works, by the way, but the "sheep" image is still comforting, and Elder Gong related it to Easter, as Jesus is both the Lamb of God and the Good Shepherd. He calls us by name, he gathers us by holy covenant, and he admonishes us to minster in love.

And that would be the real message. As we minister in love, we stay on the covenant path. It can't be any other way, I don't think. As I look at the empty bungee chair, I am grateful for so many things, too many to list. But foremost, I am grateful that as I write this, Seth is literally walking the streets of Paraguay, along the covenant path, ministering in love.

Remember that one time when Seth earned seven A's and one F?

Remember that one time in 7th grade when Seth earned seven A's and one F? You may have forgotten, so right here is the link if you want to read about it. Essentially, Seth earned an F in his homeroom class because he failed to fill out his planner, declaring that "Planners are a waste of time and space." I had forgotten about this until just this morning when I had the delightful opportunity to video chat with my favorite missionary. Shulamith was on the call as well, and she asked him what his least favorite thing about being a missionary is. Holding up his missionary planner, he replied, "Filling out this stupid planner."

Bahahaha, some things never change. Man, he hates filling out planners.

What has changed, though? His maturity level. As he showed us his planner today, I was struck by how thoroughly and precisely it was filled out. He may not enjoy this, but he does recognize the importance of planning with his companion, so they have goals and can make the best use of their time. And he does have faith that obedience will bring forth the blessings of success on the mission. He is, indeed, "all in"!

Reading this post from six years ago made me smile, and cry, and smile again. Goodness, I miss this kid. But I couldn't be prouder of the way he is growing and responding to his role as a representative of Jesus Christ. Each week, I am more amazed by him.

We ended our chat with him asking me in Spanish if I would commit to watching one session of General Conference this weekend. (I'm a General Conference junkie, who watches all five sessions no matter what, so this was pretty hilarious.) Yes, Elder Erichsen, I will keep that commitment. Meanwhile, you keep filling out that planner. Even if planners are a waste of time and space.

Theodore's Themes!

So I hadn't thought to make a blog post for Shulamith's youngest son, Theodore, who is 21 months old. It hadn't occurred to me because he doesn't really talk. He says some words, a few more every couple days, but no, talking isn't exactly his deal. Isaiah (who didn't talk until he was well past three) often tells Theodore that talking is overrated, and Theodore agrees.

However, last night, Theodore said his first actual sentence, so my mom felt that I needed to start his blog (since I have ongoing blogs for Shulamith's other two kids). Well, okay then...

1. We are all avid Utah Jazz fans, and last night during the game, Theodore looked at the TV:
Theodore: (clapping hands) Ball, ball, yay, yay!

2. Shulamith has two friends who had baby boys the same month as Theodore was born, so they are all now around 22 months. Toddlers aren't known for their ability to share things, nor should they be expected to. The three babies were fighting over a doll stroller, to the point of screaming and grabbing it out of each other's hands. Finally, the mom of one of them decided to put it away. Unfortunately, it happened to be in Theodore's hands when she decided to take it. She was very nice: "Theodore, all done stroller. I'm going to put it away now," as she took it away from him. After a couple of minutes, Theodore got up, found a ball, walked over to the mom who took the stroller, and hurled the ball at her. Satisfied, he turned around and walked back to Shulamith's lap. Bahahaha! Shulamith says she's never been prouder of him.

3. Number 1 (above) was sort of Theodore's first sentence; however, I was in the grocery store with him recently, when he uttered his first COMPLETE sentence, with a subject-verb group:
Theodore (pointing at the candy on the shelf): I want candy!

4. Well Theodore is now talking up a proverbial storm. Lots of subjects, verbs, and objects, though not a lot of prepositions yet. Shulamith's husband's brother's wife (follow that!) recently had a new baby girl named Margot. Can I just mention here that Margot is seriously one of my favorite names? Okay, back to Theodore. Yeah, he's not super impressed with this baby, ESPECIALLY when Shualmith dares to hold her. But Shulamith loves new babies almost as much as I do, so of course she wants to hold her lots. Every time she did...
Theodore: Baby out! All done baby! Margot out!

5. So Theodore's latest method to get food is to scroll through Shulamith's phone to find a picture of a muffin. Then, he shows her the picture and says "Hungy!"

6. Today Matt's mom took Theodore, along with his cousin Reuben, to her house to play for the morning. When they were leaving Reuben's house:
Theodore: Bye bye house Reuben.

7. So Theodore loves a TV show called Blippi. He is actually going to dress as Blippi for Halloween. If you have somehow managed to escape any knowledge of Blippi, be grateful. Be very grateful. I thought Barney was bad (and it was!), but I dare say Blippi is worse. He's a grown man who dresses in an ugly blue shirt with orange suspenders and bow tie, along with a blue orange beanie. He dances and sings songs about garbage trucks and pizza and policemen and airplanes, educating toddlers about colors and numbers. To say his YouTube videos are repetitive is perhaps the biggest understatement ever made. And he wears glasses. A few days ago we were at Einstein's, quietly eating our bagels when Theodore points to a man sitting at the next table:
Theodore: Blippi!
(And yep, the guy bore a striking resemblance to Theodore's hero.)

8. One morning last week, at 6:00, Theodore was awake, so Shulamith brought him into bed with her and went back to sleep. Not long after, she awoke to Theodore leaning over with his face next to hers:
Theodore: Hot dog.
Shulamith: What?
Theodore: Hot dog.
Shulamith: You want a hot dog now?
Theodore: Yeah.
So she got up and made him a hot dog for breakfast.

9. A realtor was showing Shulamith's house, which is on the market, so she brought Theodore here to take his nap.
Shulamith: You're going to sleep at Her's house today.
Theodore: No sleep Uck house. No like that. Stupid Mommy.

10. Theodore continues to progress in making sentences, at least the critical words. He wanted to play with my phone.
Theodore: Mine Uck phone!

11. Swen often tricks Shulamith by telling her things that aren't true, then quickly saying "Tricked you!" Theodore obviously understand this concept. There were a dozen eggs in the back of the van, and Theodore noticed them.
Theodore: Eggs broke, Mommy.
Shulamith: Oh no, the eggs broke?
Theodore: Tricked you!

12. Theodore was mad at Shulamith in the car (can't remember why).

Theodore: Mommy, when I get home, I going to hit you!

Tone is everything.

Tone is everything. If more people understood its power, not only would life be softer, kinder, less stressful, but productivity would increase exponentially. I'm convinced of it. To further illustrate, studies show that when our words contradict our tone, people always believe tone. Always.

This past weekend, Gerald and I traveled to Everett, Washington to visit his family. Well right here is a picture of his mom, him, and his two siblings:

It was a such a nice weekend. I visited with people I hadn't seen in at least 15 years, and with others I had never even met! All in all, it was lovely, and the tone? Perfect!

We also dealt with some different professionals, whose tone varied markedly. Since Gerald booked a flight at the ungodly hour of 5:30 a.m., we couldn't ride Trax to the airport, and instead drove ourselves and parked in long-term, economy parking. We left home at 3:30 a.m. (Ugh!), and by 4:15, found ourselves riding an airport parking shuttle to the terminal. Can we just stop for a half second and pay homage to a lady named Jenny?

Jenny understands the importance of tone. She was the driver of that middle-of-the-night shuttle, and her welcoming tone made everyone happy, even at that ghastly hour. Really, if you have to get up at 3:30 a.m. for any reason at all, be sure you catch a ride on a shuttle driven by Jenny. She greeted us with a genuine "Good morning," and enthusiastically (though not over the top; it was 4:15 a.m. after all) explained that she would circle the parking lot, making a few more stops, then deliver us to the terminal at just the right place to easily find our airline and even grab a cup of coffee. As we departed, she wished us a good flight and thanked us for riding with her. And here's the thing; I believed her! Thank you, Jenny.

Contrast that with the experience we had moving through security. Goodness! These TSA personnel need some legit training on the impact of tone. I witnessed some of the most demanding, rude, disrespectful behavior I've ever encountered. As we passed through the first security stop, I nearly jumped out of my skin as this guy in a TSA uniform was yelling at me: "Shoes off! Phones, laptops, all electronics in trays! Jackets removed!" I get that moving travelers through the security scan as quickly as possible benefits everyone, but shouting at people to the point of scaring them will surely not speed up the process. It took every ounce of restraint I had not to say, "Could you speak to me in a respectful tone? I don't like to be yelled at."

The word "please" goes such a long way. With few exceptions, most people, whether age 2 or 92, don't like to be told what to do. Some deal with it better than others, but no, most don't enjoy it. Do these TSA employees ever smile? Are they perpetually angry? Or does their pseudo authority make them feel powerful, so they think it's okay to yell at people? This whole security charade seems pretty much pointless, but if we must participate, at least they could behave like mature adults. Be kind, say please and thank you, and for heaven's sake, stop yelling.

End of rant.

It was such a fun trip. I'm so glad I went. Thank you, Erichsen Family, for hosting us.

Also, big shout out to Jenny the shuttle driver for her marvelous tone. They should pay you to run a training seminar for all TSA employees.

"I talked with your grandmother, Mrs. Hartung. What a lovely lady!"

Last evening, after celebrating Eli's birthday four days late (they were busy and kinda sick all week), we played a rousing game of "What Do You Meme?" and then took to the task of helping Eli finalize his teaching applications. After passing his final Praxis test a couple weeks ago, he now has just four more weeks of student teaching, and he'll be a fully certified teacher of grades K-8. Woo hoo!

Everyone needs a team. Everyone.

Team Eli (aka Amanda, Shulamith, and Terrianne) is right here to help with the next step, finding a teaching job for fall. Amanda provides constant emotional support; she's also bomb at making posters and charts and all things visual. I helped Eli revise and edit his resume to near perfection and will do the same with the cover letter, and Shulamith has been assisting with online applications to several school districts in the area. As of today, they are officially submitted.

This got me thinking back to when I graduated from college and found my first teaching job. I know this is going to sound like the proverbial "I walked five miles in three feet of snow to get to school" story, but I can't help myself. Truth is, I never walked to school in the snow; I barely ever walked to school at all. When it snowed in Portland, they were wise enough to cancel school, and when it didn't snow, my mom drove me in a warm, comfortable car.

However, I still have a sob story to tell. The absence of technology made all word processing tedious and communication challenging, including the process to apply for jobs. First, with no cell phones or voice mail or even archaic answering machines, in order to receive a phone call, you had to actually be home. I realize how difficult this is to believe, but you'll have to take my word for it. I've never lied to you. If you weren't home when that potential employer called, well, you could only hope he'd call back, but honestly, you'd never really know. Imagine the missed opportunities!

Everyone needs a team, and I had one too. And captain of "Team Terrianne" was a lady named Mrs. Nina Hartung (aka Grandma). My grandma was a critical team member because of her delightful personality, but also because she rarely left her apartment. Which meant she always answered her phone. What a valuable resource! We all took full advantage of this situation by making her our own personal voice mail, though back then we called her our "secretary." On all job applications, we listed our own home phone number, and right next to that, we listed her number. I can still remember it because I wrote it on so many applications: "Messages: 503-223-1757."

And let me tell you what. She charmed every single person who called her. It went something like this:

Principal: Hello, may I speak to Terrianne Webster, please.

Grandma: Oh, I'm sorry, but she isn't here right now. I'm her grandmother, Mrs. Hartung. May I please take a message.

Principal: Yes, this is Martin Neyman, principal of Armand Larive Junior High School in Hermiston, Oregon, and I wanted to talk to her about her teaching application.

Grandma: Oh hello, Mr. Neyman, what a pleasure to speak with you! I've driven though Hermiston many times. Such a nice little city!

Principal: Thank you so much for saying that. Could you have Ms. Webster call me at 503-XXX-XXXX as soon as possible.

Grandma: I certainly will. She is a wonderful teacher. I know she will be so excited to talk to you. You have a lovely day.

Principal: You too, Mrs. Hartung, and thank you.

Well, by the time I spoke with the guy, he was already so charmed by my grandma that the interview and the job were pretty much mine to lose. "I talked with your grandmother, Mrs. Hartung. What a lovely lady!" Go Grandma! She did this for me multiple times, resulting is several jobs, and I think Tom probably did as well. I often wonder what other people did, those who didn't have a grandma at home to take messages.

With today's technology, Eli doesn't need a secretary, but he still needs a team. I'm proud to be part of it.