Change

So change is good, right? That's what they say, you know the infamous and elusive "they." Change means we are moving forward, becoming better, learning, growing, experiencing life in new and different ways. All that sounds so good as I read it on my computer screen. But the truth is, I don't do change very well. I don't particularly like it. I can get pretty comfortable with the status quo. Like it or not, though, change is a part of life, a big part, and in the past two weeks, we have experienced quite a lot of it.

For the past 14 months, we have had all four of our sons at home. Only Shulamith has been missing, and as you know, she and I manage to see each other every month, one way or another. I've had 14 months with six of us here under the same roof and visits with Shulamith every month. I have been a joyful mom.

Tonight, I find myself here at home with only Seth. "What happened?" you might ask. Change. Normal, healthy, productive change. And while I rejoice in every piece of it because it means the people I love most are doing all those amazing things I mentioned above, I'm also left feeling a bit empty. Now I realize that we have nothing even remotely close to the classic "empty nest." Eli is 16, and Seth is just nine, thank goodness! And I also realize that for many (most?) people, two children at home would feel absolutely normal. However, when you're used to five, or at least four, two feels woefully strange.

Luke and his dad drove to Indiana last week to get Luke moved in and settled there. They took their time and hit most all the historical and church sites along the way. Luke will begin a PhD program in psychology at the Univ. of Indiana next week. Reports are positive thus far. He has met the other first-year students, some of the second-year students, and most of his professors. And he's getting to know the people in his new singles branch as well. I will surely miss him here, though. I'll miss his smile and his wit, the surprise Diet Cokes he so often brings me, our Friday lunches, his computer assistance, so many many things.

Meanwhile, Eli, Seth, and I drove to Salt Lake City at the same exact time to take Isaiah (yes, Isaiah!!!) to college. We actually arrived in SLC just fifteen minutes before Luke and his dad arrived in Bloomington, Indiana. Not that it was a race; it wasn't. But I think Luke hoped to beat us. Sorry, Luke. We spent three fun days playing with Shulamith before Isaiah's orientation Saturday and Sunday. Isaiah travels light, so moving him into the dorm at Westminster took maybe fifteen minutes Saturday morning. The hard part came Sunday when we had to say goodbye. Isaiah is a quiet soul. Not many people get the privilege of knowing him. But I do. And I will miss him. I bought him a slice of cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory, hugged him tight, and cried.

You see, I have what Shulamith's friend Matt calls a "crying issue." What can I say? Change, no matter how positive, is not easy for me. Keep in mind that I've had the pleasure of Isaiah in our home for the past 18 years. That is a pretty long time, wouldn't you say? And for the life of me, I can't figure out how he could possibly be 18 already. Initial reports from him are also good. He likes his roommate and the other people he's met so far. He likes his classes which began today. He says "Everything's great!" That is all such good news. I am so happy for him. Tell me, then, why am I still crying?

Change.

Okay, here's the final straw. Today was also Seth's first day of fourth grade. Donned in awesome new clothes with his new Transformers backpack over his shoulder, he headed out on his bike with his good friend Tommy. I drove to the school and met him there, so I could deliver his supplies and put money on his lunch account. There he was, no longer in the primary wing, but on the "big kids" side of the school. For some reason, this phenomenon put me over the edge. He looked so little next to all those big fifth and sixth graders. My baby!

I cried all the way to my office.

Change. The power to change. The freedom to change. The desire to change. All this is very good. But for a wimp mom who likes everything sure and constant, it isn't always easy.