Out of a Paper Bag: Installment #2 of "Terrianne and Shulamith fly to New York City to see four Broadway shows in three days!"

My spouse, our five children, their spouses (the two who have them), and any of my close friends will gladly testify to the fact that I have no sense of direction. Truth is I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag. One night I left the temple after serving on the evening shift, and wandered the parking lot for 30 minutes before texting Shulamith and Eli to report that I could not locate my car. "Don't worry," I texted. "I'll just keep searching. It has to be here. I just wanted you to know why I'm still not home." Eli and Amanda were just about to jump in their car and come rescue me, when finally, there it was: my car. Parked exactly where I left it six hours earlier.

I never know which way to go, and when I choose, 90% of the time, I choose wrong. The struggle, as they say, is real. So you can only imagine my apprehension about riding the NYC subway. Eeeeeek! When my mom and I were in New York, she paid for us to take Ubers or Taxis everywhere, but Shulamith and I wanted to save money, and Isaiah assured us we could navigate the subway just fine. By that he meant Shulamith could do it; he knows better than to think I could. I mean just look at this mess:

Like all maps, it resembles a package of cooked Ramen noodles thrown down on a page in random chaos. Meaningless. But Shulamith attacked it like a boss. Thanks to her, we owned that subway, riding from the airport to our hotel on Times Square, from our hotel to the 911 memorial and back, and finally to the airport to fly home. She read that Ramen noodle map but was better assisted by the marvelous Google Maps app, which told us exactly where to go and what to do. 

Besides those longer excursions, we did what she and I like to do best: We walked! We are known throughout our neighborhood housing development and our ward (which are basically the same thing) as the girls who walk all the time. Our favorite walk in NYC was the morning we walked to Central Park. It was every bit as lovely as I imagined, trees blowing in the breeze, people strolling along with their dogs on leashes, seemingly unending trails of pavement. We wish we could walk there every day.

I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag, but we found everything we needed and more. Stay tuned for further installments of "Terrianne and Shulamith fly to New York City to see four Broadway shows in three days."

It's just a quilt.

I try not to get too attached to material things. And I succeed mostly. Things are just that: things. They come and go. They wear out. They break. They get lost. It's part of life. But sometimes, it's harder to let go. When the crystal cake topper from my wedding shattered into hundreds of pieces on one of our cross-country moves, I cried. When I had to part with my all-time favorite (but truly threadbare) pajamas, well, let's just say it was a "moment."

And then there was this quilt. Here's the story:

Remember how I'm not good at very many things. It's okay. You don't have to feel sorry for me. I'm very good at a few things. I'm a good teacher and public speaker, a good writer and an even better editor. Oh, and I'm really, really good at eating! And shopping! So no worries.

But I am not good at anything else. I can't cook, bake, sew, or do crafts. I can't sing well or play any musical instruments. I can't garden or read maps or do anything that requires visual/spacial acuity. My handwriting is entirely illegible, and I couldn't spell my way out of a paper bag. I lose all games, whether trivia, cards, boardgames, or word puzzles. I can't draw, paint or do anything athletic. Have I forgotten anything? If so, you can assume I'm not good at that either.

SO OBVIOUSLY I DON'T MAKE QUILTS! ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?

Except this one time when I did. Well here. And here. You can read about it if you like.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and it wasn't one bit fun, and for the life of me I don't understand why people do these things.

Then two years later, Shulamith decided to have yet another baby, a girl this time. So of course we thought the new baby should also have a "Joanne" quilt. She shouldn't be left out.

And off to the "Twilight Zone" I went once again. Let me be clear. It wasn't any easier the second time. It was just as difficult and frustrating and ridiculous. Oh my poor, sore fingers from those dang pins! But I did it. Both Shulamith's kids now had quilts, and I figured any future Webster-Monson boys could share Swen's and any future Webster-Monson girls could share Kennedy's. Boom. I'm out of the quilt-making business. Hallelujah!

Then this.

One snowy night last fall (see, it's taken me months to write about it) Shulamith and I needed our hair cut. We didn't have time for anything fancy, so we just went to Fantastic Sam's -- quick and easy. I went first, and by the time I was finished, Shulamith's kids were both tired of the whole beautification process and ready to get out of there. So I told her I'd take them across the parking lot to Chick-fil-a and wait for her there. By then it was fully dark and dumping snow outside. We bundled up Swen and put Kennedy in her infant carrier. I put the carrier over my arm, grabbed Swen with my other hand, and hurried to the car, hoping to keep Kennedy reasonably dry. 

When Shulamith finished with her hair, she ran across to Chick-fil-a, and the first thing she said was, "Where's Kennedy's quilt?" I had no clue. Now you may be thinking, how could a grown woman lose a bright pink baby quilt while running across a parking lot. Wouldn't she notice if it fell to the ground? I've wondered these very same things. And I have no idea.

And so the story ends. We try not to think about it too much, but every once in a while, as we drive past Fantastic Sam's, one of us will say, "It's really sad about Kennedy's quilt." Yep, it is.

But then again...it's just a quilt.

Take heart; there is good in the world

Those who know me also know that I have zero observation skills. That, combined with an abysmal sense of direction, means I can't find my way out of a paper bag. So the best technology ever to happen for me....

....okay, no, not the BEST. The best technology advance is digital photography. Now I can see and delete all unflattering photos of myself before anyone else sees them. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. No more getting family portraits taken, only to tear them all up and throw them away (happened multiple times).

But the NEXT BEST technology advance for me is GPS tracking. Because in addition to my lack of direction sense, I can't read a map to save my life. Maps look like nothing more than pieces of paper with cooked Ramen noodles thrown on top. Incomprehensible!

Welcome GPS. I love you. Really, I do.

So recently, I treated myself to something I've wanted for a long time: eyelash extensions. No more short, scrawny, thin eyelashes for me. A month ago, I drove down past Lehi to Saratoga Springs to get new lashes from a lovely girl named Shannon, on the recommendation of our family friend, Amy. I've known Amy since she was six years old; there was a time when I felt like her second mom. She grew up to be a cosmetologist, beauty consultant, hair stylist, and makeup/eyelash extension artist. And she is very, very good at all of this. So when she recommended Shannon, you can be sure I trusted that recommendation, enough to drive the 20 miles south to Shannon's home, where she has turned a bedroom into an eyelash salon.

How did I find her house, you may ask? With my GPS, of course! It worked perfectly, and I left with beautiful eyelashes. Thank you, Shannon. Thank you, Amy. I couldn't be more pleased.

Fast forward four weeks. The thing about these extensions is that they don't last. Every few weeks you need to get them "filled." So I made another appointment with Shannon for today, and off I went. No worries, I thought, as I put Shannon's address into my phone.

But then this happened.

Just as I exited the freeway, my loyal "friend" quit talking to me. That beautiful voice that informs me which way to turn, how far to drive, where my destination is, etc. just stopped completely. My phone was dead.

I tried not to panic. I failed. Here I was five minutes from my appointment time, with no earthly idea how to get there. I knew I took the right exit, but other than that, no clue. Thoughts ran through my mind, one after another, but nothing made any sense. I couldn't call anyone. I couldn't text anyone. I was totally lost somewhere south of Lehi in an industrial area. Well great.

I prayed for guidance and came upon a place of business that looked open, so I took my chances and went inside, where I found a storage company and a nice receptionist. I told her my dilemma, and we began to bounce ideas back and forth:

"You could use my phone and call the person." (Well, except I don't know her number.)

"You could tell me her name, and I could try to look her up." (Well, her name is Shannon, but I don't know her last name, so that's problematic.)

"You could call someone in your family, who might be able to help you." (Well, except by this point I was so frazzled that I couldn't remember anyone's number, not even Gerald's or Shulamith's. Duh.)

And then the light bulb moment! No, not mine, mind you, but this unnamed receptionist:

"Wait! What kind of phone do you have?"

I told her I have an iPhone, and she immediately pulled out an iPhone charger. For real she did!

I plugged in my phone and waited just a couple minutes for it to activate and called Shannon. As I was apologizing profusely for my tardiness and Shannon was telling me not to worry even a little bit, the receptionist asked for the address where I was going.

"I'll look it up on MapQuest in case your phone dies again."

I gave her the address, and she looked it up and printed out directions. I told Shannon I was on my way, thanked the kind receptionist, and hurried off. I got lost about three more time trying to follow the printed directions, so I used the last 1% of charge in my phone to call Shannon, who directed me the final couple of miles to her house.

Forty-five minutes late, I lay on the table and tried to relax as Shannon skillfully filled my eyelashes.

Why do I tell you all this? Because it's been a rough few days in our country. Truth be told, it's been a rough few months since that fateful day back in November and its sad culmination in January. Since then, it's been a bit like reading Jude the Obscure, where the crazy darkness worsens page by page. Just when you think "The only thing worse that could happen would be if _________," you turn the page, and it does.


Some days the only thing keeping me sane is the brilliant Stephen Colbert, who is unafraid to tell it exactly as it is: "What does he think the 'T' in 'LGBT' stands for? Trump? Tomato?"

The recent events in Charlottesville and the president's slow and equivocal response leave us sad, confused, angry, and disheartened.

But take heart!

There is good in the world. There are kind, decent people, people who are eager to help even when they don't have to. Sometimes that human decency shines in the form of a gentle word. Or a hug. Or a soft reply. Sometimes it comes in larger acts of service or sacrifice.

And sometimes it comes in the form of a receptionist, sitting at her computer, with a smile and an iPhone charger.

Moving sucks, but free food helps!

"If you want to know where the Websters live, stand on the corner and wait for the moving truck to come by and follow it." This is a direct quote from a long-time friend of my original family, meant to be humorous with no offense intended, and none was taken. We did move a lot. I've speculated that this might be because my mom missed her true calling as an interior design artist. Which she definitely did. Guys, I'm not even kidding. I grew up in a house, well 21 houses to be exact, all of which looked like they belonged in a Better Homes and Gardens magazine, and her current house still looks like that. So I wonder if once she arranged the furniture in as many different configurations as possible, then decorated perfectly around each new arrangement, she wanted to move, so she could begin the creative process all over? Definitely possible.

I inherited neither her incredible talent for home design, nor her zest for moving. I couldn't decorate my way out of a paper bag, and my house always looks somewhat "vacant?" Also, I hate moving! So much. So I don't do it, unless it's absolutely necessary, like those times we've relocated to an entirely different state.

Until now. We are in the process of moving from our current home in Sandy to a new house in Bluffdale, about 10 miles south. How's it going, you ask? Ugh! I can't think of a single thing I enjoy about this process. It is so hard and overwhelming. I'm taking a break this afternoon to blog; this is for the benefit of my sanity and my family's well-being. But Seth is going with me to take yet another load this evening.

Because our new home is literally "new," there are extra tasks, beyond getting every last item from one house to the other. For example, our beautiful kitchen backsplash needs to be sealed, as does the floor of the garage and the driveway. Amanda, whose skillset never ceases to amaze me, is handling both those projects. Also, I had to meet with a guy to discuss window treatments. Really, though. Picture that in your mind. "Do you prefer the almond cream or the coconut sand?" Honestly, they look exactly the same. "Do you want blackout blinds or filter?" I don't have the slightest idea. "Do you want fabric-covered valances or the modern uncovered look?" Okay, shoot me now!!!

Meanwhile, Shulamith and I make multiple trips back and forth daily, hauling vans full of crap. Why do we have so much stuff? I am the polar opposite of a hoarder, and yet you should see the pile of junk out on the road in front of our house. Fortunately, the city's biannual curbside pickup is this week! 

Sorry if I sound like I'm whining. I am. I'm tired of all of it, truth be told, both the physical effort required and the many mental chores like transferring utilities, getting the mailbox key, joining the HOA, buying a water softener, ordering a fence, dealing with contractors who are supposed to be finishing our basement but who are now a full week late in starting, and did I mention those dang window treatments?

However, when life begins to feel impossible, take heart. There is always food. And sometimes it's free. Trust me; nothing tastes better than free food. The universe wrapped its arms around me this past week with two such opportunities. After closing all summer for an extensive remodel, the Chick-fil-A where Seth works had its grand reopening Thursday, and on Tuesday, they gave free meals to employees' families. Then Saturday, Nothing Bundt Cakes opened a new location in Taylorsville and offered customers free confetti bundtlets! So Tuesday, Shulamith, Isaiah, and I got free Chick-fil-A meals (and we didn't even have to dress like cows), and Saturday, I got a yummy bundt cake.

It's been a long process, and we still have tons left to do. I'm exhausted almost all the time, and moving totally sucks, but free food most definitely helps.

Swen-isms, Part II

Last year, I started an ongoing post to record the brilliant comments of Shulamith's 5-year-old son, Swen. I know she will want to remember the things he says, but with three tinies, she doesn't have time to blog. Now that it's 2018, I'm starting a new post, so everything gets recorded in the blog books I create every year.

36. The Webster-Monsons' recent move to somewhere else has been hard for most of us, hardest for me, no doubt, but also hard for Shulamith and Swen. In an attempt to make sense out of it in his 5-year-old mind, he has come to his own understanding of why they had to leave.
     Swen: Grandpa gives me so many cars. He gives me hundreds of cars. Every time I go to his house, he gives me cars. So I had too many cars to fit downstairs, and that's why we had to move.

37. Swen sometimes thinks we are mean to him, meaning we ask him to do something different from what he is doing. For me, that usually involves his baby brother, Theodore. His "over-love" and physical attention often becomes too much.
     Swen: Her, I brought you this rock from school. It's a very cool rock.
     Me: Thank, you, Swen. I love this rock.
     Swen: But if you are mean to me, I'm taking this rock away from you.
Later, when Swen is messing with Theodore....
     Me: Swen, please leave your brother alone. He's a real human being.
     Swen: Where is that rock? I'm going to find it and take it away from you because you are being mean to me again.

38. Swen is curious about Heaven, etc., when we go there, how long we stay. He's also concerned that it's safe there.
     Swen: When we die and go to Heaven, do we stay there for 100 years?
     Shulamith: Even longer. We stay forever and live with Heavenly Father and Jesus.
     Swen: Do they have a Nest Protect thermostat in Heaven?

39. I am going to Rexburg this weekend, and Swen wanted to go with me, but it would mean missing a friend's birthday party.
     Swen: I want to go to Rexburg with Her to visit Eli and Amanda.
     Mom: Okay, but you would miss Ira's birthday.
     Swen: Mom, but can you bring me the bag.
It's obviously all about the goodie bag.

40. I've been trying to teach Swen about phobias, most especially, my phobia of snakes. I want him to understand that phobias, though they seem silly, are very serious and very real. I want him to know that it's not funny to scare people with things they are actually afraid of. So we were at the zoo the other day, and Shulamith took her kids into the reptile house. I, of course, remained safely outside that awful place. But Swen was not happy about this:
      Swen: Her! I want you to come see the snakes.
      Me: Swen, remember how I have a phobia of snakes, so I can't look at them?
      Swen: No, I WANT you to come in there.
      Me: Swen, I hate those things. They scare me to death!
That had a huge impact on him. I forgot that 5-year-olds take things literally and don't have the capacity to understand figurative language.
       Swen: To death? Oh, Her, I do not want you to go in there then. I do not want you to die! I would miss you very, very much.

41. Swen: Mom, can we go inside McDonald's instead of drive-thru?
      Mom: Maybe.
      Swen: "Maybe" is scary because it's sometimes yes and sometimes no.

42. Moving was an adjustment for Swen, so often he decides to sleep here, on days when he doesn't have school the next day.
      Swen: How many days until I sleep with you?
      Me: When I get back from picking up Seth at school, we will look at the calendar and pick a day.
      Swen: Okay, but I don't want it to be a teen.
(I guess he wants single digits. Haha, we told him in 3 night-nights.)

43. I keep a pair of sunglasses in the glove box of Shulamith's van, since we spend so much time going places in it. Suddenly one day, they were gone. Disappeared! I asked Swen about it because he likes to take our things and hide them. He said he hid them. I'm not sure I believe him, but I pursued the idea:
     Me: Swen, if you can find my sunglasses, I will give you a dollar.
     Swen: What number will be on the dollar?
     Me: (laughing) a #1.
     Swen: I want it to be a #20.

44. Swen is as honest as we all wish we could be. Speaking about his impressions of church:
     Swen: I hate going to church. We have to go to THREE THINGS at our church, THREE! First we go to this one thing, where we just sit and sit and sit. Then we go to another place, where stupid people sing stupid songs. Then we go to another place and sit and sit and sit some more. (Welcome to being a Mormon, Swen).

45.  Yesterday Swen had a double ear infection, causing him serious pain, poor baby! He spent most of the day lying across Shulamith's lap. Which triggered this comment:
     Swen: Your tummy looks like a skin balloon."

46. So Swen has decided that he likes redecorating my bedroom, especially my closet. Meaning, he likes to take all my shoes off the rack and dump them into a big pile. And he thinks it's hilarious. I usually leave them in the pile for a couple days, but just as soon as I ever so carefully line them up on the rack, he pulls them off again. Here is a picture:

     Me: Swen. Did you take all my shoes off the rack again? I'm going to throw you out the window!
     Swen: [No comment. All smiles.]

47. Sometimes Swen and Kennedy fight like cats and dogs. Other times they play together like best friends. Shulamith and I strongly prefer latter. Today, we got our wish:
     Swen: We're playing "toy and seek."
     Kennedy: What's that?
     Swen: That's when you hide a toy, and then I look for it.

48.  We frequent McDonald's, well, frequently. Sometimes we get Shulamith's kids Happy Meals, but other times we tell them they can get just one thing, a snack, such as some fries or an ice cream cone. This was the case yesterday when we were heading there.
     Shulamith: Okay, we're driving though McDonald's, and you can get one thing. Do you want some fries, or a cookie, or an ice cream cone?
     Swen: I want fries, but I want the ones in the red box, NOT the white one.
(Medium fries come in red boxes; small fries come in white paper packages.) Go Swen!

49. To say that Swen likes cars is an understatement. He likes them so much that he wants one every day. Shulamith has been trying to help him understand that he can't have a car every single time he goes to the store, which is what he wants. The Hot Wheels cars only cost $1.00, but he has literally hundreds of them, and really, he can't have one every single time.
     Shulamith: Swen, Are you listening to me? I want you to remember that I'm buying you this car today. So this week when I pick you up from school and you want a car, but I say "no car today," I don't want you to cry, okay? Because we got one today.
     Swen: I won't cry, but I might scream.

50. Swen (to a kid in his primary class whose mom is the primary president):  Hey, your mom isn't in here anymore, so you can play with this car of mine now.

51. Shulamith is one of the teachers in Swen's primary class, and she just texted me this. They are learning about how Jesus was resurrected and how, as a result, we all will be.
     Swen: When I come back, and they cut me out of your stomach again, will you give me a new name?"

52. Swen knows I don't like it when he talks about his "new house," because I tell him it doesn't really exist, that it is just a very bad dream. One day, we will wake up and all be together as it should be. So tonight, Shulamith was headed upstairs and wondering which kid she would bring with her (Theodore always comes, of course).
     Kennedy: I want to go!
     Shulamith: I'm only taking one of you.
     Swen: Sorry Kennedy, I have to be the one who goes because Her doesn't like me when I'm at the new house, so I have to go.

53.  Swen didn't want to go to kindergarten this morning:
     Shulamith: You need to go to school so you can learn and get smart to go to college. Then you can make money.
     Swen: I'm not going to college! I'm driving a car transporter.

54. ...and out of the blue (probably because he learned about the resurrection in church yesterday):
     Swen: Mom, when I'm resurrected, will my cars all still be here?

55. This past weekend, Shulamith and Matt and their kids went to St. George with Dawn and Todd Monson (the kids' grandparents):
     Swen: Grandma, I want to take this rock home.
     Dawn: Well that rock would be too big to fit in a car to take home.
     Swen (sitting on rock): But I really want it.
     Dawn: How about we take a picture of the rock, and you can have that?
     Swen (after some thinking): Okay, I want a picture of the rock, but I will not be in the picture of the picture of the rock. Just the rock goes in the picture.

56. Shulamith: Swen, it's time to go to school.
      Swen: No! No school. I forgot to lock you out of my room.

57. Swen isn't a fan of freeway driving; I think he associates it with road trips, like to Rexburg to visit Eli and Amanda or to St. George Also, I think he may not like the speed that much. Today, he and I were driving home from Draper:
     Swen: Her. If you get in a wreck, I'll never ride with you again.

58. Swen went to a birthday party today at Chick-fil-A.
     Swen: Her, there were 217 kids at that party. And with all the regular people, there were 9,060. The play place almost fell apart.

59. At that birthday party mentioned above, Swen got a ring with ChapStick inside.
     Swen: Waffles! Don't eat my ring. There's ChapStick inside. It will kill you.

60. Today I was watching a video about a guy who fell and hit his head. He said he was lying in a "pool of blood." Swen was watching over my shoulder and commented:
     Swen: Was it empty with no water?

61. Swen: Mommy, I love you (as he gives Shulamith a hug).
     Shulamith: I love you too, Swen. Will you take a picture with me?
     Swen: Definitely not.

62. Today, Swen was mad at Shulamith because she told him he had to wear shoes while riding his bike.
     Swen: I want to live with Her forever! And ever and ever!

63. Shulamith, Matt, and their kids met the kids' grandparents at a park last night for dinner. Shulamith told Swen there would be a playground there because she expected there would be, but there wasn't. From Swen's perspective, it isn't really a park unless it has a playground.
     Swen:  Mom, why did you tell me there would be a park here?
     Shulamith: Sorry, I thought there would be a park here, but I lied.
     Swen: You lied to me?
     Shulamith: Well, I didn't mean to, but yes, I lied because I told you there would be a park, but there isn't.
     Swen: What did your face look like when you lied?
     Shulamith: Probably like this (making a very serious face).
     Swen: When I lie, I smile.

64. Shulamith: I'm getting rid of Woof. I'm so tired of him running away! It makes me so mad.
      Swen: No, Mommy, don't do that. I love him so much (so sad, with tears in his eyes).
      Shulamith: Swen, I need to. He always runs away, and it makes me so mad.
      Swen: Well then, can we get a cat (tears gone; totally happy tone)?

65. Yesterday was Swen's kindergarten graduation. He was very nervous about the program because he would have to sing several songs AND say one line into the microphone. Large crowds and getting up in front of people... not his favorite.
      Swen:I do not want to do my program at school.
      Shulamith: Why not?
      Swen: There are gonna be 67,000 people there!
(Note: he sang every song and did all the hand motions, and said his line loudly and clearly.)

66. In Swen's kindergarten class there are identical twin girls named Rylee and Hadlee. We don't know if it's because they are twins, but Swen refers to them alwayw as "The Rylee and The Hadlee."

67. The mom of one of Swen's friends asked was trying to find out what Swen wanted for his birthday:
     Friend's mom: What do you like, Swen?
     Swen: I like Infinity.
     Friend's mom: Infinity?
     Swen: Yes, like something that goes on forever.
     Friend's mom: I know what infinity is, but what do you like for your birthday?
     Swen: Oh, cars! Lots of cars!

68. So recently, I bought these two carts on wheels, one for Gerald and one for me, with three baskets each, to use as portable nightstands. When Swen saw them, he wanted to take one home. He really, really wanted one. So Shulamith and I decided to get him one of his own for his birthday, and to put his other presents in the three baskets. I don't think I've ever seen him happier:

69. Swen is a hoarder. No question about it. And now, whenever Shulamith tells him he can't bring something else home because "you have too much stuff already"...
      Swen: It's okay, Mom. I have a cart.

70. We used to frequently take Shulamith's kids to a place called Jungle Jim, an indoor arcade place with rides for young children. It recently shut down.
      Swen: Mom, when is that play place going to open again. I want to go there.
      Shulamith: Never. It's closed for good.
      Swen: But for how long? When can I go there again?
      Shulamith: Never. It's done. It's gone forever.
      Swen: Well, until it's resurrected.

71. Swen dearly loves to antagonize Kennedy. Just now, he wanted to take a knife downstairs to keep, and I said "Sure." Then he promptly turned to Kennedy and said, "You don't get to keep a knife. Only I do."
     Me: Swen! What do you say things that upset her?
     Swen: I just LOVE to make her mad.
     Me: Why??
     Swen: Because I love to see her cry.

72. Shopping at Smith's.
     Swen: Can I have a car?
     Shulamith: No.
     Swen: Why?
     Shulamith: Because I don't have money to buy you cars every day.
     Swen: But you have money for all this other stuff.
     Shulamith: That's because we NEED all this other stuff.
     Swen: Well I need a car.

73. Swen is an early riser, as in way too early. So Shulamith often praises him when he doesn't get up at the crack of dawn.
      Shulamith: Swen, you did a good job sleeping in!
      Swen: What does "sleeping in" mean?
      Shulamith: That you didn't get up super early.
      Swen: But what does "sleeping out" mean?

74. And on that same topic... one day a couple weeks ago Swen and I slept downstairs on a mattress. I had VIPKID students starting at 6:00 a.m., so I tried as hard as I could to be so quiet as I crept upstairs to teach my lessons. But to no avail. About 6:15 (halfway into my lesson), Swen came upstairs.
      Swen: Her! You work up very early. You're going to be tired and grumpy today.

75. Just now (July 4th), Shulamith and Swen and I were at Chevron getting treats and Diet Cokes to enjoy as we sit and watch Isaiah and Seth light off fireworks. Shulamith brought Swen a big package of pretzel M&Ms.
      Shulamith: Okay, Swen. This was the only size bag of these they had, so you have to give me some. If you eat all of these, you will have a tummy ache.
      Swen: Here you go (as he willingly gave Shulamith his bag to take some M&Ms).
      Shulamith: Thanks for being so cool about sharing, Swen. It's so much fun having you alone.
      Swen: I'm only not cool around the "Kanndidy."

76. Swen was at a swimming pool the other day, and some big kids were deliberately splashing him in the face. Swen came running over to Shulamith:
      Swen: Mom, I need some sunscreen right now!
      Shulamith: Why do you need sunscreen?
      Swen: Those big kids splashed me, so I'm gonna spray sunscreen in their faces.

77. Yesterday, Swen and Kennedy were roaming around downstairs in the storage area and found a horn and some sticks. Kennedy was tooting the horn and playing "music" with the sticks.
      Swen: Her! Kennedy is really good at music. We should put her in a show.

78. Out of the blue one night...
      Swen: Dad, can we send Her some pictures of snakes? She really loves them.

79. Kennedy's balloon animal deflated, so she was sad:
      Swen: Kennedy, do you know how we can fix that? We can take all your blood out and put it into the balloon.

80.  Shulamith was talking to her kids about strangers and how they should never go with strangers.
      Shulamith: We wold never have someone come get you that you don't know.
      Swen: Except Kennedy. You would make someone you don't know go get Kennedy.

81. In Sacrament Meeting today, Swen accidentally hit his head on the pew behind him, and it made him very mad.
      Swen: Ugh, I'm gonna set this church on fire!

82. Swen is very interest in smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors, so much so that he's stolen a couple of these from me. His favorite brand is the Nest Protect, and he really wants me to have one so I'll be safe.
     Swen: Her, you need to buy a Nest Protect.
     Me: I think they are very expensive.
     Swen: They cost $100.
     Me: Right. That's a lot of money, Swen.
     Swen: You can ask Santa Claus to bring you a Nest Protect. He has lots of money.
     Me: Really? Can I go sit on Santa's lap and tell him I want a Nest Protect, and he will bring me one?
     Swen: Yes. And if that doesn't work, you can write him a letter.

...and the saga of the Nest Protect continues...

83. I seriously think Shulamith could pay for Swen's entire college education if she would just record him "selling" the features of the Nest Protect:

      Swen: Her, wouldn't it be terrible if you were away from home and your  house caught on fire?
      Me: Yes, Swen, that would be bad.
      Swen: The Nest Protect will send you an alert on your phone if your house is on fire, so you know.
      Me: That would be great.
      Swen: Also, have you ever noticed that when the batteries are low on your smoke detector, it makes a beeping sound?
      Me: Yes, I have noticed that.
      Swen: The Nest Protect does not make a sound when batteries are low. Instead, it makes a red glow, so you know to replace the batteries.
      Me: That's great.
      Swen: Did you know that with the Nest Protect, you don't need a smoke detector and a carbon monoxide detector?
      Me: No, I didn't know that.
      Swen: The Nest Protect is both!
      Me: Wow, that's really amazing, Swen.
      Swen: Her, I want you to have a Nest Protect because I don't want you to die.

84. And then, there's the anxiety that lies under the surface of all these questions:
      Swen: What would we do if the carbon monoxide detector went off, but a kid couldn't walk.
      Shulamith: The grownups would carry the kid out.
      Swen: What would happen if the carbon monoxide alarm went off and there was a kid with two broken legs, who weighed as much as a car?
      Shulamith: Then the kid would probably die.

85. Swen wanted to be upstairs with me today, but I was going to the temple again. We've been taking Seth to a different temple each week before his mission.
      Swen: I want to stay with Her.
      Shulamith: You can't because Her is going to the temple again.
      Swen: Why is Her going there again? We need to put carbon monoxide inside the temple, so no one can go in there. Also in all the churches, so we never have to go to them.

86.  Today was Seth's mission farewell in sacrament meeting. Eli sang a song, Amanda accompanied him, and I turned pages for her. As the three of us were walking up to the stand:
      Swen: Where is Eli going?
      Shulamith: He's going to sing a song.
      Swen: What's Amanda doing?
      Shulamith: She is going to play the piano?
      Swen: What's Her doing?
      Shulamith: She's going to turn the pages for Amanda.
      Swen: That's it??
Yes, Swen, it's a huge talent to turn those pages at exactly the right time. Duh.

87. Yesterday was Swen's first day of first grade. When he first got home, he was obviously tired and over the whole thing, so he didn't want to talk about it. Later, he decided he didn't want to go back.
      Shulamith: Can you tell me why you don't want to go?
      Swen: Because it's so long.
      Shulamith: Tell me two bad things about first grade and two good things?
      Swen: It is way too long, and we just sit there and sit there and sit there. And the teacher told us about 298 things.
      Shulamith: Can you tell me two good things about it?
      Swen: My teacher is nice and I just love math.
Fortunately, he was happy to go back today. My sincere hope is that this teacher realizes that 298 is way too many things to tell six-year-olds all in one day.  :-)
     
88. Swen was super excited to use his new puppy spiral notebook. He kept waiting for Ms. Wardall to tell everyone to get out notebooks. Finally, she did.
     Swen: I got to draw in my puppy notebook today!
     Shulamith: Really? What did you draw?
     Swen: I drew a smoke detector and a carbon monoxide detector. And a fire. And some smoke. I wanted to draw carbon monoxide, but it's invisible, so I couldn't. You can't draw invisible carbon monoxide.

89. Swen's first grade teacher texted Shulamith a nice message one day last week. She said how much she enjoys having Swen in class and that during math, she could see the light bulb light up in his brain when he was learning something new. Shulamith was so proud of Swen, and she read him the text message.
      Swen: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I do NOT have a light bulb in my brain. Why would Ms. Wardell say something that stupid?

90.  Swen slept upstairs with me last night, and this morning he wanted to go to McDonald's all by ourselves before we met up with Shulamith and Kennedy and Theodore. I happened to be wearing my warm, fleece-lined hoodie. As we were eating, and with no previous conversation about the temperature, he looked at me and said:
      Swen: I am so cold! And just look at you, sitting there all nice and warm.

91. This weekend was General Conference for our church. During one session, Swen and Shulamith had the following conversation:
       Swen: Did President Nelson say Jesus is brighter than the sun? Why would he say that?
       Shulamith: Well saying bright can also mean happiness. So he's saying that having Jesus in our lives will bring us happiness and brightness.
       Swen: Wait. So the sun can make us happy?
 Haha, no, Swen. Rain makes us happy. The sun makes us sad. You're a true Webster.

92. Swen does not like going places that he isn't familiar with. Today, the Monsters (Monson-
Websters) went up a canyon to get family pictures taken, and Swen was very concerned they wouldn't be able to find their way back. He kept asking Shulamith and Matt if they were sure they knew the way home. Before they left, however, Swen was very happy to see his mom all glammed up:
      Swen: Wow, Mommy, why do you look so cute? I want you to look like that every day.

93. Swen: Can we go look at smoke alarms?
      Me: How many smoke alarms do you already have?
      Swen: I have five.
      Me: That seems like enough, don't you think?
      Swen: No. I want 100!
      Me: How are you going to get 100 smoke alarms?
      Swen: Well, I'm going to get 10 and then count by 10s.

94. These past two days were fall break (UEA) for all Utah schools. So we had Swen with us both day. He told Shulamith:
      Swen: I want to go to school. I miss Ms. Wardell. She's way cooler than  Mommy and Her.

95. And more about Ms. Wardell:
      Swen: I want Ms. Wardell to be my mommy.
      Shulamith: But Swen, I am your mommy!
      Swen: I wish you could be my mommy and Ms. Wardell, and Her!

96,   Shulamith: I need my phone to tell me where to go.
        Swen: How does your phone tell you where to go?
        Shulamith: It's a smart phone, and smart phones can tell me where to go.
        Swen: Can dumb phones do that too?

97. I've been playing Christmas music in my car (no judgement allowed!). When we were driving home today, the song All I Want for Christmas is You came on. Swen heard the line, "I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree," and responded:
      Swen: What's wrong with that girl? She doesn't care about presents. That's very stupid. And also sad.

98. Swen: What are you going to name me when I'm resurrected?
      Shulamith: I'm still going to name you Swen.
      Swen: No. I will be  Car Webster-Monson.

99. We were decorating the Christmas tree, and Swen was trying to figure out how to hang a particular ornament.
      Swen: How do I hang this one??
      Me: Does it have a little green hook on it?
      Swen: I don't know. It's not my ornament.

100. I don't know what's going on tonight, but Swen must be frustrated about something because Shulamith just texted me this:
      Swen: Ugh, I'm so mad! The only thing that will make me happy is to stay at Her house for all the days.

101. A good friend of Shulamith's passed away last week, and she and I attended her funeral yesterday. Swen was asking what we did there.
      Swen: Mommy, what did you do there?
      Shulamith: Just remembered things about my friend.
      Swen: Did you remember her phone number?
      Shulamith: No.
      Swen:  Well did you remember her address?
      Shulamith: No.
      Swen: Then what did you remember?

102.  We took Swen to the Jazz game a couple days ago. During halftime entertainment, they had a tug-of-war game down on the court between some kids (maybe either or nine years old) and their dads. Swen was curious about how those kids got chosen to do that.
      Swen: How did those kids get picked to go down there? Were they the quietest ones?

103. Isaiah and Swen and I rode in my new car to the Jazz game. My car has keyless entry and start. Later, Swen expressed concern over this to his mom.
      Swen: I do not like Her's new car.
      Shulamith: Why?
      Swen: Because it doesn't have any keys, so bad guys could just get in and steal it.

104. Swen was playing a game on Shulamith's phone.
       Shulamith: Swen, can I have my phone back to check your school lunch menu to see if we need to pack you a lunch?
       Swen: No, but you can use Mathew's phone.
       Shulamith: Well, Daddy's at work, so I need my phone.
       Swen: Shulamith. You have a tablet now. You can use that.

105.  Swen was asking me about my new car and how long I plan to keep it.
       Swen: How long will you keep this new car?
       Me: Oh, I keep my cars for a long, long time. About 14-15 years. Swen, you will be 20 by the time I get rid of this car.
       Swen: I won't be with Mommy and Daddy by then.
       Me: No, you will probably be on your own.
       Swen: Can I live with you then?
       Me: Of course you can.
       Swen: But you might not still be at your house by then. You'll have to tell me your address and phone number.

106. Lately Swen has been telling Shulamith that he can't/won't pray, when she asks him to. And now it's come to this:
      Swen: I can't pray. It's against the law for 6-year-olds to pray. A cop told me that.

107. I picked Swen up from school today, so Theodore could nap uninterrupted. I asked him about school.
      Swen: I ate cheese pizza and a Rice Krispie treat for lunch! But they don't have Diet Coke.

108. Swen was saying something mean to Kennedy (it's his lifelong mission to make her miserable):
      Me: Swen, be nice to Kennedy, please.
      Swen: We don't have to be like Jesus all the time. They just tell you that so you'll be nice to people.

109. Paisley is a little girl who often plays with Kennedy. Swen says he doesn't like here, but sometimes he plays with her too. Recently when they were all together:
       Swen: I like your snowsuit, Paisley.
       Paisley: Thank you.
       Swen (to Shulamith): Was that a compliment?
       Shulamith: Yes, Swen. It was very nice.
       Swen: Would Jesus be happy?

Conference Reflections: Walk the covenant path!

April 2019 General Conference is now a week-old memory. I just went back and reviewed my 11 pages of notes. Don't get too excited; they are just notes, not full sentences, mostly brief bullet points of what I perceived to be the key points of the talks. If I don't take notes, the talks all run together in my mind, one on top of the next, and by the end of 10 hours, I haven't a clue who said what.

I enjoyed Conference. Really I did, despite the fact that my heart ached, missing my Seth. I brought out his bungee chair, just in case anyone else might want to sit in it to watch Conference with me. No one sat in it, I don't think, but there it was anyway. Memories threw me back to Seth in PJs, setting up this chair in front of the TV, pen and paper in hand for seminary notes, awaiting the General Conference snacks I bring out periodically throughout the weekend. This was my second General Conference without him. Two down; two to go.

I could summarize every talk (remember these 11 pages of notes right here), but you don't have the time or energy for that. Instead, may I highlight just a few things that stood out? If I had to write a cumulative theme for the five sessions, I would call it "Walk the covenant path!" So many talks focused on the steps, both big and small, that we can take to keep ourselves walking that path, as well as what to do when (not if) we slip off.

Like many of you, I always anxiously await Elder Uchtdorf's remarks, and I didn't have to wait long this time because he spoke Saturday morning. My notes on his talk are titled "Dieter the Man!" (Don't be offended. I know he wouldn't be.) Seriously, if any human can take a topic like member missionary work and make it awesome, it's Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He made something challenging seem, well, possible, uh, even exciting. Instead of retreating with closed eyes, hiding from the chance to share the gospel, Elder Uchtdorf suggested that if we walk the [covenant] path of discipleship and share what is in our hearts, we can trust the Lord to work his miracles. "Our job is to love!"

Saturday afternoon, I was introduced to Mathias Held of the Seventy. I hadn't heard of him before, but now I'm pretty sure we're related. My mom's birth name is Held, and it's not that common a name, right? Either way, I loved his talk. He told his personal conversion story, about how he and his wife postponed getting baptized because they felt they needed to know EVERYTHING first. Reading Mosiah 18 and understanding the importance of seeing with both physical and spiritual eyes eventually influenced their decision to make that covenant.

That session concluded with the brilliant rhetoric of my favorite speaker (always), Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He did not disappoint. Just like Elder Uchtdorf, Elder Holland is somehow able to point out where we need to repent, without ever leaving us to feel less than or unworthy, in fact, quite the opposite! His talk inspired and uplifted, while at the same time explaining the need for punctuality at sacrament meeting and for a respectful tone in the chapel, in order to make the sacrament the focal point of our week-long journey along the covenant path. Eli texted the family chat, "I guess I need to work on getting to church on time." My reply, "Yep, until you have a diaper bag with you; then you get a free pass, apparently." Guys, if you missed this talk, stop what you're doing right now (even reading my blog), and go listen to it. Don't read it. You'll miss so much. Listen and watch!

Sunday morning, I was mesmerized by Sister Sharon Eubank. Wow! She explained that while "Satan works to dim our light, Jesus lifts us from grief, pain, and affliction." She also advised us to "step back, and ask Heavenly Father what to let go of" because no, we can't do everything. She concluded by testifying that Jesus reaches out to everyone, even the most marginalized: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Wherever we are, at any moment, we can always take a few more [baby] steps on the covenant path.

The Sunday morning session concluded with President Nelson. A Facebook friend of mine posted afterward, "Well I guess you can't drink coffee while serving your 12-month mission." Ahh, the General Conference rumors! Not gonna lie. The rumor about a shortened mission length for elders had me more than a little bit hopeful. I tried not to be. But I was. Nevertheless, I felt blessed to hear President Nelson speak about other things. I smiled when he counseled those who are not sure they even believe in God to "Start there! Seek experiences with him." And yes, when the Lord's prophet reminds us to "Do it now" because "Time is running out!" I'm inclined to listen.

The final session of Conference was probably my favorite? Maybe? It's hard to choose. It included so many excellent talks. Elder Juan Pablo Villar of the Seventy expressed gratitude for his body. After a week of crazy high anxiety (meaning full-on obsession with fear of fatal illness - ugh), it was good for me to reflect on the gift of my HEALTHY body. His story of going to visit his older brother who was serving a mission, when Elder Villar himself was not yet a member of the Church, and spending 10 hours that day walking the streets, of course made me think of Seth. Elder Villar said, "My heart bathed in love from Heaven." I think Seth would echo those words.

Then Elder Bednar reminded us that our homes should be MTCs, as he reinforced the "home centered, church supported" model for gospel learning. We cannot borrow gospel light from others, at least not forever. "What have you learned this week about the Savior in your home study?" Next, Elder Kyle S. McKay of the Seventy spoke about God's timing. We can have "immediate hope for eventual deliverance," and however long that takes, his kindness will not depart from us.

Finally, my favorite talk on Sunday was by Elder Gerrit W. Gong. He started by asking the question, "Have you ever counted sheep?" Uh yeah. And pigs, dogs, zebras, and salamanders as well, because when my stupid anxiety is misbehaving, nighttime is the absolute worst. None of this counting business ever works, by the way, but the "sheep" image is still comforting, and Elder Gong related it to Easter, as Jesus is both the Lamb of God and the Good Shepherd. He calls us by name, he gathers us by holy covenant, and he admonishes us to minster in love.

And that would be the real message. As we minister in love, we stay on the covenant path. It can't be any other way, I don't think. As I look at the empty bungee chair, I am grateful for so many things, too many to list. But foremost, I am grateful that as I write this, Seth is literally walking the streets of Paraguay, along the covenant path, ministering in love.

"I hope his kids are healthy and happy forever," and "Is that a sparkle I see on this dress?"

Yesterday was an amazing day. Eli's fiance, Amanda, invited Shulamith and me to go with her and her mom to shop for a wedding dress. Yeah, we were pretty thrilled. And grateful. So grateful she included us, when she definitely didn't have to. Pretty sure we'll remember this sweet gesture forever.

The day began perfectly, with Matt offering to take some PTO and stay home with their kids. Shulamith and I don't get a lot of "kid free" time, so we were dang excited. But as we headed to Kneader's for a quiet, relaxing breakfast before we met up with Amanda and her mom, a tiny glitch occurred. Behind us were flashing lights; yep, a police car was signaling us to pull over. Seriously? Cuz this was supposed to be our "day."

We knew right away what the problem was: Shulamith's license tags were expired (just barely!). I should probably say right here that most of our prior experiences with cops have not been great. There was this one time that 4-year-old Seth escaped and walked across a busy street all the way to the grocery store because he wanted to buy Skittles. I was home with just Isaiah and frantic beyond belief, scurrying in a combination frenzy of crying, praying, and screaming, when a police officer pulled up to our driveway with Seth in the car. Relief flooded over me, and I crumbed in a pile of tears, but was this "public servant" kind to me? No. He gruffly ordered: "You need to take better care of your kids."

Then there was this other time just over a year ago, days before Christmas. Shulamith was in the car with both her kids, Kennedy screaming as only Kennedy can. Stressed to the max, Shulamith was driving maybe 38 mph on 80th, where the speed limit is just 30. The resident cop, who sits on that street 24/7, pulled her over. Referring to Kennedy: "She doesn't sound too happy." Gee, ya think? "Well, I'll try to be quick as I write you your ticket." Oooooh. Now Shulamith and I react very differently to circumstances such as this. I get sad. I cry. I sob. I blubber. Shulamith doesn't cry. She doesn't get sad. She gets mad. Really mad. Her comment was something to the effect of " What a horrible human being. I hope his kids die. Every last one of them."

Which brings us to yesterday. I'd like to go on record as saying we encountered a very nice cop. He was kind and polite. He was not macho. He was not rude. He was not arrogant. He asked Shulamith to get her car registered right away, and he wished us a nice day. We had plenty of time for delicious Kneader's french toast, without being late at all for Amanda's dress appointment. And Shulamith's line: "I hope his kids are healthy and happy forever."

And then it was time. As Eli would say, "Yeeeeyaw!" We met Amanda and her mom at the bridal shop, and the fun began. The first dress she tried on was positively stunning. Like she looked gorgeous in it. Oh. My. Goodness. How I wish I could include a picture right here on this post, but you see, Eli is a faithful reader of this blog (Hi Eli!). I KNOW he will see this. And he cannot see Amanda in her wedding dress. So no pics. Sorry.

Of course we couldn't let her try on just one dress, lovely though it was. The lady helping us brought out several more, and Amanda looked beautiful in all of them. Let's face it; the girl would look pretty in a paper bag. But then there was this one dress. I should point out that Amanda is not fond of sparkles. At all. The lady was aware of this, but she must have forgotten or something because Amanda's immediate response to the dress she was wearing told the whole story:

"Is that a sparkle I see on this dress?"

Indeed it was. Say no to the dress.

Finally, she decided it was time to try on the first dress once again. And that was it. Her expression said it all. A glow came over her entire face, matched only by the ring on her finger. It just felt right. Comfortable. Elegant. Sophisticated. Feminine. Perfect. Amanda!

Say yes to the dress. Only two more months to wait.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds...

Christmas, 2017 is now officially over. I still listen to Christmas music during my morning walks, right up until January 1st, but that's just me holding on as long as I can. If I'm honest with myself, I know it's over. Because we celebrated on the 27th rather than the 25th, we stole a couple extra days, and it was most definitely a Christmas to remember.

I chose the title for this post because something magical happens when your children sleep in your house Christmas Eve, even if some of those children are technically adults who live elsewhere. Our oldest, Luke, lives in Maryland so he wasn't here, but the other four were right under our roof as "visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads." It made for a tight squeeze, as Isaiah slept on the living room couch and Seth in the big rocker/recliner, but it was totally worth it! Shulamith told her son, Swen, that she actually heard the "clatter out on the lawn" when Santa came. And I think she did.

She and I woke early with her kids, so we tiptoed down the stairs, trying not to wake Isaiah or Seth, to see what Santa brought. We checked the cookie and milk plate, and sure enough, all gone. Under the tree we found the gifts from Santa, and we hurried right back up to my bedroom, to play and wait until others woke up.

Erichsen-Webster Christmas celebrations are big events, and no one describes them better than Shulamith's husband Matt, so I'll refer you to what he had to say last year. Now think "repeat in 2017," only we didn't go to church because it wasn't Sunday.

We love giving and receiving gifts, and even more, we love to watch everyone open his or hers, slowly, one at a time, so yeah, it takes a minute. Here are a few highlights:

Shulamith's daughter, Kennedy, gave her mommy a new wallet. She was so proud!

 Amanda gave Eli a personalized calendar with pictures of all their family members on their birthdays and anniversaries.

Amanda and I gave Eli and Gerald matching robes! How cute are they?

It's a tradition that goes years into the past for the girls to have matching Christmas jammies.

Most of my sons aren't quite as into the whole Christmas jammies deal, but I knew Eli would be delighted to match Shulamith's son, Swen.

After three kids, Shulamith's diaper bag was worn and in need of replacement.

Shulamith's baby, Theodore, opening a present on his first Christmas.

Beforehand, I would have told you this would be the best surprise of the morning, a joint present for Isaiah and Seth: a Nintendo Switch console.And believe me, it was pretty awesome. We actually drew a real reaction from Isaiah, and this picture captures it well. Neither of them was expecting this gift, which is exactly the way I like it.

But no, it wasn't the best surprise of the morning. This was. Oh my goodness! I have wanted this painting for a very long time, and Eli and Amanda made it happen. But I think it's worthy of its own blog post, so I will leave it for now.

The day was full of food, fun, and festivities. You should see my house. Or maybe you shouldn't. There were 12 of us opening gifts, followed by 12 stockings. Just imagine the amount of paper, let alone the gifts themselves! But instead of cleaning up, we jumped right into some serious competition called "The Game of Things." Have you ever played it? You should. Except my family doesn't think I write good answers, when really I do. Super good ones. That make sense. They are the ones who write bad answers, including ones that use those horrible bathroom words, you know, the ones that begin with the letter "P" and are totally inappropriate. Ugh!

Then we played Jenga. Which is terrifying. 

We ended the night with Shulamith cooking potatoes in her new Instapot, which is very scary. I will definitely let her figure it all out before I get one for myself. We talked. We laughed. We dreamed of the day not too far in the future when Eli and Amanda will graduate and move down here. It was good to be together. Until next year...

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night."