Uh, the common denominator here is I

"It's not your fault someone ran a red light in an intersection."

"You can't help it that someone was distracted and rear-ended you." 

"You can't blame yourself because this happened yet again!"

I am blessed with a small but mighty tribe, who offer lovely, affirming words to lift me and carry me through the hassle of car crashes, one after the other. I love these people.

But let's be real. (Wow, that would be a great name for a social media platform, don't you think?)

Sorry, talk about being distracted.

Let's be real.

The common denominator here is I.

On Tuesday morning, I pulled out of the Gas-N-Go in Orem, carrying a fresh, fountain Diet Coke on pebbled ice in my light gray Stanley. I was all in! Ready to face my two UVU classes, excited to see the faces of eager young college students determined to improve their rhetorical writing skills. 

As I entered an intersection only a half mile from campus, on a clear GREEN light, I noticed a huge, white pickup truck headed toward me from the side street. I glanced up to confirm my light was green while slamming on my brake to avoid impact. I wasn't fast enough. Crash!

My mind raced: Are you freakin' kidding me? Again? Again?? Why do people keep crashing into me?

Breathe.

My second thought was that I had class in 20 minutes, and I still needed to find parking on a giant campus with half the number of parking spots as people who need them. Ugh!

I circled around and parked on the side street behind the truck that hit me. The other driver approached, a seemingly nice guy who immediately asked "Are you okay?" Yes, yes, I'm physically fine. Emotionally, not so much.

"I'm good," I assured him. "How about you?" Of course his monster truck protected him from all harm; he was just fine. We exchanged the necessary information: names, cell phone numbers, insurance companies. I could do this in my sleep; I do it so often. Neither of us wanted to call the police. I have limited experience with cops, but sadly, almost all of it unfavorable. I believe most officers are kind and caring public servants, whose goal is to help people, calm them, treat them gently, do whatever they can to comfort and assist them. I just haven't encountered any of these. 

When Seth was three years old and decided to walk to Harmon's by himself to buy Skittles, and I was a frantic mess trying to find him, the cop who returned him to me declared in the harshest, most condescending tone, "You need to keep better watch on your kids, ma'am." No empathy whatsoever for a scared, hysterical mother, who does everything in her power to keep her children safe. Eight years later, this same child (shoutout to Seth!) got hit by a car in a crosswalk on his way to middle school. The cop who came to the hospital, without even asking Seth how he was feeling, gruffly announced that the incident was Seth's fault and he needed to be more careful crossing the street. 

No, I had zero interest in calling the police. I just needed to get to school. I was about to drive away, when the wife of the other driver noticed oil dripping from the front of my car. "Uh, I don't think you should drive this," she warned. "Look at that oil." Great. They sensed my frustration, because yes, class! I needed to get to class! Odd as it seems, they offered to drive me the half mile to campus, and three seconds later, I was in their big truck, heading to school. As we drove the five minutes to campus, thoughts of kidnappers, serial killers, and armed bank robbers filled my head, but those thoughts were quickly pushed aside as I thanked them and leaped out of their foot-high backseat and ran into the Woodbury Building at UVU.

I'd love to report that this was the end of my bad luck for the week, but the following day when I drove Shulamith's van to school, verbally willing surrounding cars not to crash into me, I managed to snap the wire on her E-break, which is apparently difficult to do, but I guess I just have a strong left foot? Nope, can't make this stuff up. 

It's now been three days since the crash. I have a rental car provided by my insurance company as I wait for the other driver's insurance company to accept liability, so I can get my car repaired.

If it's repairable, that is. Oh, how I hope it is. I like my car. I do not want a new car. 

Meanwhile, I have to wonder if I need to add driving to the lengthy list of things I suck at. Really, though. Maybe I'm just a bad driver, so other cars keep crashing into me. 

Because the common denominator here is I. 

Theodore's Themes, Part V

104. Theodore (while showing me a silly face he made for a picture): Her, I only have that crazy face to take a picture. I don't look that way all the time.

105. Theodore has learned from who knows where (?) that it's bad to hold up his middle finger though he has no idea why. So he was doing it.

Shulamith: You shouldn't do that, Theodore because it means something that is not nice.

Swen: If you do that at school, you'll have to go to the office.

Theodore: I did it at school, and I did not go to the office. Just kidding, I did it on the bus.

106. I was waiting in the car with Theodore, parked in front of their elementary school, while Shulamith ran inside to check Swen out for his endocrinologist appointment. Theodore attends AM kinder, so he was already done with school for the day.

Theodore: My teacher sleeps in the school.

Me: Really? Every night?

Theodore: Yep!

Me: How do you know that?

Theodore: Because her yellow car over there is in the same spot every day. (He pointed at a yellow, VW bug in the faculty parking lot.) That’s why she sleeps at school.

Me: Is there a bed in your classroom?

Theodore: Yep! But it’s a very small one. Because she turnded 47.

Me: She turnded 47, so that’s why she has a small bed?

Theodore: Yep!

107. Shulamith was trying to feed Theodore bites of her Cafe Rio burrito, while Theodore was involved in his car racing game on my phone.

Shulamith: Here Theodore, take another bite. You need to eat lunch.

Theodore: Mom, don't distract me from my race!

108. My car was totaled recently (another story), so now, I'm in a big hurry to find a car before my rental expires. So Shulamith's sons have been helping with that project. Swen found me a red Mustang convertible; at least he got the color right. And apparently Theodore found me a car today:

Theodore (to Shulamith): Mom, I found Her the best car! It fits zero kids and two moms.

109. Gerald sat in a primary class this morning because the second teacher was ill, and in primary there must be two adults in each class. When he told me the children were 4 and 5-year-olds, I asked him if Theodore was in the class, and he told me no. Later, Shulamith asked Theodore.

Shulamith: Was Gerald a teacher in your primary class today?

Theodore: No.

Shulamith: Gerald wasn't there?

Theodore: He was there, but. he was not the teacher. He just sat in a chair.

110. Shulamith and I were two minutes late picking up Theodore from school Friday, so had to wait those two minutes in the office. He was so mad. And Sad. And Shulamith was sad too. Way too much sadness all around.

Theodore: You did not come get me on time. You were just home resting and watching TV.

111. Theodore is here with me overnight because Kennedy has three friends spending the night and Swen has one friend spending the night, so Theodore was lonely. He also lost his first tooth today, so before she left him here, Shulamith told him to text her in the morning to let her know if the tooth fairy found him here.

Theodore: Her, Mom said to text her tomorrow, but I don't know how to text.

Me: Oh, well maybe we can take a picture and send it to her.

Theodore: Yeah, I know how to take pictures.

And he just moved his pillow over right next to mine and put his tooth underneath.

Theodore: Her, I really like sleeping here with you because I really really love you.

112. Theodore was in a bit of a mood yesterday, which is so unusual for him that we're always surprised when it happens. He wanted to stop at the gas station to pick out some candy, but we were already in Lee's getting groceries, so Shulamith told him he needed to pick out a treat there because we would not be stopping at Maverik. He was so mad!

Theodore: You just want to be dumb and act like a stupid mom!

113. Theodore was talking to his friend, Matthew.

Theodore: Let's go try to sell something, so we can get money.

Matthew (looking at me): But family is more important than money, right?

Me: Oh yes, for sure!

Theodore: Nope, I like money better than family.

Me: Theodore! You love your mom and dad way more than money!

Theodore: Yeah, I love my mom and dad.

Me: And your brother and sister.

Theodore: Nope, I'd rather buy a car.

114. Shulamith and I just returned from a 10-day trip to Europe. It was the longest Shulamith has ever been away from her children, and Theodore missed her very much. 

Theodore (in a FaceTime with Shulamith from our cruise ship): How many more sleeps until you come home?

Shulamith: Just four more sleeps!

Theodore: Good. That's what I told Melissa. Just four more sleeps till my mom comes home.

115. A half hour ago, Shulamith texted me to say that Theodore asked if he could come sleep at my house. "Of course he can," I told her. So she went upstairs to where Theodore was in the bathtub to tell him.

Shulamith: Her said yes, you can sleep at her house.

Theodore: Mom, hurry and wash me really fast so I get there before Her falls asleep.

116. We took Shulamith's kids to McDonald's for lunch on the first day of summer break. As we pulled up, Theodore read the sign (as he always does now that he can read):

Theodore: He pronounced the first two letters "M" "C" and then read "Donald's. 

Kennedy: No, it's "McDonald's," not "M" "C" Donald's."

Theodore: Nope. It would need an "i" for that: MicDonald's. 

117. Theodore is sleeping at my house tonight, and when Shulamith dropped him off, she told him to just go in.

Shulamith: Just go upstairs., I think Her will be in her room

Theodore: Mom, I know she'll be in her bed. She's always in her bed.

118. Theodore really wants a phone. He sees them on sale for $29.99 and thinks I should buy him one for his upcoming birthday. He does NOT understand that in order to use a phone, he needs a phone plan with a monthly fee. He doesn't get it.

Me: Theodore, you are only 5. I don't think you need a phone. 

Theodore: Her! I do need one. All the other kids in my class have cool watches, and all I have is this crappy iPad, and I can't buy anything on it. 

[I assume he means they have GAB watches, which are kinda cool, actually.]

119. Theodore was following Swen's example and picking on Kennedy.

Me: Theodore, be nice to Kennedy!

Theodore: You're not my mom!

120. Walking past Gerald's car earlier today.

Theodore: Gerald should probably get a new car. 

121. Theodore and I were going to meet my friend Emily and her three little kids to play at a park. Her oldest is 7, and Theodore very much wants to be as old as her.

Me: Evelyn is 7. You are 5, but you are almost 6!

Theodore: And when I'm 6, I'll be almost 7.

122. I was prepping my Gospel Doctrine lesson the other night, and Theodore was sleeping here. 

Theodore (looking at my quad set of scriptures): How much did that cost?

Me: About $80.

Theodore: They need to lower their prices!

123. Shulamith was trying to put bites of her enchilada into Theodore's mouth while he played a game on her phone. 

Shulamith: Take another bite, Theodore. I don't want you to be hungry later.

Theodore: Sorry, Mom I don't have time to eat a bite. 

124. Theodore is sleeping here at my house tonight. He brought the Lego car he put together today.

Me: Wow, did you build that by yourself today?

Theodore: Well, it's not exactly the way it's supposed to be. I customizeded it.

125. Theodore loves Lego! And he's so good at it. He spends literally hours in his room building Lego cars, and he saw an ad for a huge Lego city, shortly before his 6th birthday.

Theodore: Mom, this would be all of my dreams coming true! 

(So, of course, Shulamith and I made those dreams come true by getting him this for his birthday.

126. Shulamith, Amanda, Eli, Seth, and I all play the daily Wordle game and post our results to a group text thread. Sometimes, we post clues for the ones who haven't done it yet, though I don't do this often because I usually post earlier in the day, and I like to WIN, so giving everyone else clues is counterproductive. However, today, I gave the following clue: "One of my favorite things." When Shulamith was playing, Theodore was helping her.

Shulamith: It's one of Her's favorite things.

Theodore: Um....ME!

127. Shulamith was being a cool mom by dancing in a parking lot.

Theodore: That's all wrong. No one dances like that. Literally no one.

128. Shulamith's two older kids, Swen and Kennedy, were at diabetes camp all last week.

Me: Are you missing Swen and Kennedy?

Theodore: I miss Kennedy. But not Swen.

129. Shulamith asked all three of her kids what the best part of their first day of school was. 

Theodore: My favorite part of the day was Spanish [he's in Spanish dual immersion], because we were all laughing at the teacher because we didn't understand anything she was saying.

130. Yesterday, Theodore asked Shulamith how many days until he gets a break from school.

Shulamith: There are still two days before the weekend. But you like 1st grade, right?

Theodore: Yes, but I just really need to sleep at Her's house.

131. So lsat night, it was technically Theodore's turn to sleep at my house, but Kennedy really needed a break and asked me, and I said yes. But then Theodore asked, so I promised him the next night (tonight). But then tonight I was with Eli and Amanda, and our task took much longer than we anticipated, so it was already 10:00 PM by the time I was headed home. Shulamith told Theodore we would need to wait one more night. He was not happy.

Theodore: But Her trusted me that I could stay there tonight.

132. All Shulamith's kids love it that she is teaching mornings at their school, but Theodore especially likes it.

Theodore: I just wish you taught kindergarden last year when I was there.

Shulamith: I know. That would have been so much fun to have you in my class.

Theodore: Would you ever like to teach 1st grade?

133. We went to Lagoon Saturday night for fun and Frightmares. We got there around 6:00 and stayed all the way till close at 11:00. But Theodore was still running around, bouncing off things, even as we were leaving the park.

Me: Aren't you tired this late at night?

Theodore: I was literally made for the night.

134. Shulamith: Theodore, do you like your teachers? (He has two because he's in dual language immersion, so he has one English teacher and one Spanish teacher.)

Theodore: Yes! Really much.

Shulamith: Why do you like them so much?

Theodore: They never yell at us. 

135. Theodore slept at my house last night. Shulamith dropped him off around 8:00, and he ran upstairs and jumped up on the bed. Immediately, he put his feed and legs into a pillow case.

Theodore: I don't have any feet. I'm just a body.

136. Later, he said he wanted animal cookies, so I ran downstairs to get him some, while he stayed up in be watching Gumball. A few minutes after I returned and gave them to him, he said he wanted Diet Coke in his own can. I got up to get it and told him I'd hurry fast.

Theodore: You don't have to go fast. It's okay if I'm here alone for a long time.

137. Shulamith loves to tell everyone how I kept all my sons' school-made Christmas ornaments but threw hers away. So tonight we were decorating my house, and she was telling all her kids about this, and Theodore felt so sad for her. He's a very sensitive child. Now they're him (all except Kennedy who is sleeping here), and as Shulamith was putting Theodore to bed...

Theodore: Mom I’m still sorry Her threw away your ornaments.” 

138. Me: What do you want most for Christmas?

Theodore: Furniture.

Me: For your room? What kind of furniture do you want?

Theodore: An alarm clock, one that I can understand. [I think he means digital, not analog.] And a rocking cbair.

Kennedy Says: Part 7

100. Kennedy: Mom, you are gone way too much. You just need to stay home.

Shulamith: But I have to work a little bit, so you can have the things you need and want.

Kennedy: Okay, but you can only leave to go to work. You can skip all the other stuff you like to do like Bunco and cookbook club and book group.

Swen: Then she'll become depressed.

101. Kennedy: We're supposed to read a bunch of books for this thing called "Battle of the Books."

Shulamith: Do you want me to read some with you?

Kennedy: No. I don't like reading. Also, I don't have time to read books. I sleep, and I dance. That's all I have time for.

102. Kennedy's 3rd grade teacher had a baby recently, so the class now has a permanent substitute for the remainder of the school year. 

Kennedy: This sub is very mean. I don't like her.

Shulamith: What does she do?

Kennedy: She is always yelling at us. And she told us, "Ms. Tuttle said you are the best class, but she is wrong. You are NOT the best class at all."

Shulamith: I'm sorry, Kennedy. That wasn't s nice thing for her to say.

Kennedy: I was so sad, I couldn't even do my math.

Shulamith: What is her name? Mrs.???

Kennedy: Miss Jacobs. She is NOT Mrs. No one would marry her.

(Of course, I asked Shulamith is she took advantage of this teaching opportunity to explain to Kennedy that the correct courtesy title for women is "Ms." because women should not be required to announce their marital status when men do not. Shulamith said yes, she did explain this to Kennedy.)

103. ....and this just in...

Shulamith: How was your day today. Was Ms. Hernandez any nicer?

Kennedy: No! I just wish she would have a baby too, so she would leave and never come back.

104. Kennedy has some anxiety about the night and likes it when her mom or day lie in bed next to her as she falls asleep, so they take turns doing this. (What amazing parents, right?)

Kennedy: You don't have to say till I'm all the way asleep, but can just to get me started.

105. A couple years ago, Shulamith gave me a throw pillow with the names of my five children on it. Kennedy was throwing it back and forth with Jane.

Kennedy: I hate this pillow!

Me: Why?

Kennedy: Because it doesn't have my name on it.

Me: Well, you're not mine. You belong to YOUR mom. These are all MY kids.

Kennedy: I'm basically yours.

106. Shulamith was helping Kennedy with her math homework.

Shulamith: I don't know how to do these problems. You're gonna have to ask Ms. Despain to help you at school. I think we made some mistakes with this.

Kennedy: Oh, Ms. Despain loves mistakes. Because then she gets to teach us how to do it right!

107. Shulamith has been concerned recently that Theodore might be developing T1 Diabetes like Swen, who was diagnosed two years ago.

Kennedy: If Theodore gets Diabetes, you'll never think about me ever again.

Swen-isms Part VII

 

259. So we're at Costco, and Shulamith is picking up Swen's ADHD medication.

Swen (loud enough for everyone around to hear): Mom, you can't just keep faking my name and then taking all these drugs yourself.

260. Kennedy: Mom, you are gone way too much. You just need to stay home.

Shulamith: But I have to work a little bit, so you can have the things you need and want.

Kennedy: Okay, but you can only leave to go to work. You can skip all the other stuff you like to do like Bunco and cookbook club and book group.

Swen: Then she'll become depressed.

261. Swen's teacher, Ms. Monson (yes, she has the same last name as Matt), texted Shulamith to tell her she was putting some math homework in Swen's backpack, so he could do it over the weekend. When Swen got home from school, this conversation occurred:

Shulamith: Swen, let me see your backpack. Ms. Monson put some math homework in there for you to do.

Swen: What? She did? 

Shulamith: Yes, she texted to tell me.

Swen: I told her I was NOT taking that work home!

262. Swen saw a woman carrying a Gucci purse.

Swen: Look, she has a Gucci purse.

Me: She does. Nice!

Swen: Why doesn't my mom have a Gucci purse?

Me: Because they're super expensive, and she can't afford one.

Swen: No, she's spending $30,000 on a new basement; she can afford a Gucci purse.

263. Swen: Hey Mom, did you know 84,000 kids get kidnapped every year?

Shulamith: No. How do you know that?

Swen: We had to research something in the library, so I googled "How many kids get kidnapped in a year?" Also, only 45,000 of those kids get found.

Shulamith: What did other kids reseaech?

Swen: Boring stuff.

264. I was at Costco yesterday with Shulamith and her two sons; Eli, Amanda, and Jane; and Isaiah. We had three carts among us, and everyone was stocking up on whatever he or she needed, and Jane was begin her funny, opinionated self, making sure we all knew what she wanted and didn't want. 

Swen (to Jane): Judging from the way you've been acting today, I'm pretty sure you're gonna jack a car one day.

265. Swen was complaining about his lunch to his traveling diabetes nurse, who needs him to tell her what he plans to eat, so she can bolus the correct amount of insulin.

Nurse: If you don't like the lunches your mom packs, you could always pack your own.

Swen: No way. Lunches are a mom's job.

266. Swen is coming over to spend the night with me tonight.

Shulamith: Don't yell at Her tonight, Swen.

Swen: Why would I yell at Her?

Shulamith: I don't know, but sometimes you yell at Her.

Swen: Oh, because sometimes Her does things really wrong.

267. Swen wanted his mom to buy him an $8.00 car. (He has literally hundreds of cars.)

Swen: You'll spend $1,000 per month on Diet Coke, but you won't buy me a $8.00 car.

268. Eli and Amanda's daughter Jane was getting into Swen's cars, because he kept leaving them all over the Airbnb where we're staying.

Amanda: Swen, I am not responsible for whatever my daughter ruins.

Swen: I hope your daughter has insurance.

269. This weekend was General Conference for our church. President Nelson gave a fabulous talk this morning about civility and respect. He encouraged people to (symbolically) lay down their weapons. Swen is very much 10 years old and quite literal in his thought processes.

Swen: He just said we should put our weapons away. I can do that!

After maybe five minutes, Swen makes a mean comment to one of his siblings.

Shulamith: Swen, I thought you said you would put away your weapons. Your mean words are weapons.

Swen: What? That's what it means? Oh, I definitely won't be able to put away my weapons.

270. Today was the annual "egg drop" at Swen's school, you know, where all the kids create some sort of container that will protect a raw egg, then drop these containers from the roof to see if the egg breaks?

Swen: This school! Encouraging kids to waste food by dropping eggs off buildings. There are starving people in the world who would love to have those eggs.

271. So, a couple days ago, Shulamith gets a text from Will's mom. Will is Swen's best friend. The mom writes, "Hi, this is ________. Just wanted you to know that Swen is here. He rode his bike here to surprise Will, but I don't think he has his phone with him or any 'low snacks.'" (If you're a kid with T1 Diabetes, you always need your phone with you, so your mom can monitor your glucose levels, and you ALWAYS need to carry "low snacks" just in case. Swen knows this. Shulamith drove over to Will's and found Swen and Will out on a bike ride.)

Shulamith: Swen, why didn't you tell me you were going to Will's house?

Swen: I didn't have time. I just thought of it.

Shulamith: But you didn't take your phone or any low snacks. What would you have done if you started feeling low, and you were out here on your bike with no phone and no snacks?

Swen: Oh, no worries, Mom. There are lots and lots of cars out here driving. I'd just stop someone and ask for a snack.

272. Shulamith and I are leaving tomorrow for a 10-day cruise in Europe. Today, I was saying goodbye to Swen before he left for school.

Swen: Bye, Her. I hope I see you later, but I think your cruise ship is gonna crash in the ocean. So anyway, bye and I love you.

273. Swen: I really hate saying "I'm sorry."

Shulamith: I think most people feel the same way, but still, it's good to apologize when we make mistakes.

Swen: No, Mom, I hate it more than anyone.

274. Swen: Where are you and Her going on the cruise ship?

Shulamith: We're going to Spain, and France, and Italy.

Swen: Mom, now it just seems like you're really bragging.

275. It's testing time in most elementary schools because, you know, "No child left untested!" Swen hates these tests (Who likes taking tests?), but Shulamith told him that it would probably be a good idea for him to try his best on the RISE tests this week.

Swen: Mom, no! I am NOT going to read boring 300-word passages and then answer dumb questions about what I THINK about them.

276. Swen was supposed to do a book report. Shulamith bought him the book he requested, and he read it a few times, but he didn't want to do the report.

Shulamith: Swen, you really need to do the book report, because a lot of your grade is based on it.

Swen: Mom, I think you should know this about me by now. I am NOT one of those kids that care about their grades.

277. Shulamith and Mathew took their kids to Lagoon yesterday, and Swen had decided he wanted to ride all the rides alone, not with his family. So he ran ahead and got in line by himself each time, and they followed, eventually, but didn't ride alongside Swen. Shulamith heard a guy laughing and looked ahead to see where Swen was and realized the guy was laughing at Swen.

Guy: Haha, did you hear what he just told me?

Shulamith: No, but he's my son, so I can only imagine.

Guy: I asked him if he was riding alone, and he said, "Yes, I'd rather ride with strangers than with any of my siblings."

278. Shulamith: Swen, be nice. I want you to be nice to me. Do you treat your friends like this?

Swen: Nope. My friends wouldn't be my friends anymore, but you will always be my mom.

279. We were at a spray park, and Swen was riding his bike. 

Shulamith: You should go ride your bike again.

Swen: No, I don't want to run over another kid.

Shulamith: Did you run over a kid?

Swen: Yeah. 

Shulamith: Did you stop and say sorry?

Swen: No, it was a "run over and run" situation.

280. If you've kept up with this blog the past couple of months, you're aware of this situation. We now, not so lovingly, refer to the guy who caused all this as "The Idiot." Swen, especially enjoys this label because, yes, his summer was also ruined by this guy, who made his mom an anxious wreck and used up all the emotional energy the family had.

Swen: I hate The Idiot more than everything in the world, even diabetes!

281. Swen, helping to educate his little brother about empty threats:

Swen: Theodore, do your teachers really tell you you're going to miss recess? You know they're lying, right? They never actually do it.

282. Swen and his two best friends are all in different classes this year. Pretty sure their 5th grade teachers had something to do with that, haha. But they did have some of their rotations (PE, music, art, etc.) together. But then they got distracted by a hornet's nest on the way to rotations and never made it there, so now the three of them are even separated for rotations.

Shulamith: Did you get to go to rotations with Will and Jackson?

Swen: No, our teachers say we have to (in air quotes) "win back their trust."

283. So Seth's dog, Waffles, sheds mercilessly. Everywhere. It's awful. As a result, I only allow him to be in the basement, not in the top two floors of our house. It's a nice, finished basement, where he has a soft, fluffy bed and also his crate, food, and water. But Swen doesn't think this is good enough.

Swen: Her, can I have Waffles?

Me: Yes! Absolutely you can.

Shulamith: Yes, when you grow up and have your own house, you can have Waffles.

Swen: No, I mean now. Can I have him now, Her?

Me: Yes! Totally. You can have him now.

Shulamith: Noooooooo! You can't have him now. Absolutely not.

Swen: Waffles is trapped down in the basement all the time. If he lived with me, he would have a much, much, much, much, much, much, much better life.

284. Swen not-so-accidentally flew his airplane into Theodore's favorite Lego project. Theodore was devastated.

Swen: Why are you so upset? You can rebuild it. You're a Lego God.

285. Swen is part of a text message thread with some of the kids he went to diabetes camp with. The title of the thread is: "Sloths do more than our pancreas."

286. Mathew was leaving to go mountain biking with some friends.

Swen: Wear a helmet. I don't want to see you in the hospital. 

287. In Swen's Primary class, they were talking about bearing one another's burdens.

Teacher: What's a burden, Swen?

Swen: Life.

288. Swen's school had a "fun run" last week,

Swen: We had a "fun run" today at school. It wasn't a lot of fun, but it was a little fun.

Me: What was fun about it?

Swen: My two friends and I took turns unplugging the long extentions cord that connected to the music and the bounce house.

Me: Swen! Why would you do that?

Swen: Because it's super fun to run for your life and hope no one notices.

289. Shulamith finds out all sorts of interesting things now that she works at her kids' elementary school in the mornings. Today in the faculty room, she overheard Swen's best friend's teacher tell this story:

"Will's phone went off during class (AGAIN!), so I took it from him. I could barely contain my laughter. At the top of the screen I see "Swen," and the message: 'Come back to the bathroom now. We have lots of stuff to do.'"

290. Shulamith is taking her dog, Woof, to obedience training classes to teach him not to be aggressive toward other dogs. It's going well, but apparently the lady who runs the classes is a bit intense and kind of barks (pun intended) orders at people in the class about what to do with their dogs.

Swen: That lady treats you like she wants you to treat Woof. (He's not wrong.)

291. Swen: I want a Lunchable for dinner.

Shulamith: No. Those are for lunch. That's why they're called LUNCHables.

Swen: Then I wan a DINNERable.

292. Swen's 6th grade classroom is a portable, one of many, because our neighborhood school is growing so quickly that there isn't room inside the building.

Swen: My classroom is cold because the heater broke.

Shulamith: Oh no, well I'm sure Ms. Kieling will report this, and they'll get it fixed.

Swen: No, whe won't. Ms. Keiling doesn't like to talk to people about stuff like this. She doesn't like to bother people.

Shulamith: Well, I'm sure she will talk to someone in this case, because it's October, and you can't have a classroom with no heat.

Swen: No, she definitely won't. She really, really, doesn't like to talk to people. We'll just freeze.

293. Swen stayed with me last night, and we went to Eli and Amanda's house to eat and watch TV. On the way home, it was cool outside, and Swen was cold in my van.

Swen: Her, the heater is locked back here, and I'm cold. Can you fix it?

Me: I don't know how to make it work back there, and I'm driving, so I can't look. Do you know how (his mom has the same van as me, so he might)?

Swen: Yeah.

Me: Okay, then fix it so it works.

Swen: Her, I'm not going to fix it for you. You are an adult, and you can figure these things out by yourself.

294. So today at Swen's school, there's a party for all the students in the school who have completed all their school work up to this point in the year. We're pretty sure Swen does not, but who really knows?

Shulamith (last week): Why don't we try to get all your work caught up, so you can go to the party?

Swen: Oh, Mom, that would be impossible. I don't even know where half those papers are. Some are probably in my desk. Some are probably in my backpack. Some are probably in the garbage. And I don't really care about that party. 

(Epilogue: Swen called Shulamith from school today, the day of the party):

Swen: Mom!! I get to go to the party. I'm gonna eat a cupcake, chips, soda, and a rice krispy treat. So I wanna know how much to dose for all that?

Shulamith: Wow, that's awesome that you get to go. How much do you think you should dose?

Swen: Uh, maybe 1.5 units?

Shulamith: Perfect!

295. Shulamith was baking cookies for our cookbook club dinner, and all three kids were demanding her attention, as Mathew blissfully played a video game right there in the same room. As Shulamith tried to handle everything and everyone, while getting cookies off the cookie sheet, someone bumped into her, and a dozen freshly baked cookies fell into the sink. Not sure specifically what she said, but I'm guessing it wasn't the most pleasant response. It definitely directed toward Matt.

Swen: These cookies are tearing apart our family. 

296. Swen stayed home from school Wednesday morning because he said he had a headache. Shulamith asked me to stop by and check on him before heading up the U. for my afternoon classes.

Swen (sitting next to me): Her, if I tell you something, do you promise you won't tell my mom?

Me: That depends. Is it something dangerous or something that could hurt you? Because your mom loves you, and she would need to know if you were in danger.

Swen: No, it's nothing dangerous at all.

Me: Okay then. I promise.

Swen: I kind of faked being sick today because I wanted to stay home with my dog.

297. Swen had a Lego project that he brought with him when we all went to see a movie. He rode with me, so the Lego thing was in my car. But he rode home with his Shulamith and Matt because they were headed to Matt's parents' house for dinner. Shulamith asked me to stop by her house, let Woof outside, and also take Swen's Lego in. Sadly, as I walked into her house, I dropped the Lego, which fell to pieces (as Lego does). I warned Shulamith, so she could prepare for the "wrath of Swen." 

Shulamith: So Swen, I have some bad news. When Her took your Lego into the house, she accidentally dropped it. And it broke.

Swen: Stupidest Her breaks everything! That's why she always gets in car crashes because she doesn't even know how drive. Her is so clumsy that she breaks everything. I'm never going to let her touch any of my stuff ever again!

 [Like I said, the wrath of Swen.]

298. Swen was complaining about his still unopened Christmas presents a whole week before Christmas.

Swen: I felt that one bag, and it was soft, so it's probably just some dumb clothes. You two [Shulamith and  I] are just a big bag of wrinkles.

299. Our ward is woefully lacking in musical talent. They frequently ask for volunteers to do musical numbers at special services, but hardly anyone volunteers. We don't even have a ward choir. At the recent Christmas sacrament meeting, we had a couple families sing, and other than that, mostly just children (other than this one man with the most beautiful voice singing "Oh Holy Night," but he isn't part of our ward). At one point, a few children were singing a song, and Swen covered his ears in agony.

Shulamith: Swen, be nice!

Swen: But it's like really bad.

2022 Faves!

So I already posted my list of "must haves,"  all the stuff I thought I didn't need but found I can't live without. To finish out all things 2022, here are my 2022 Faves, based on genre:

Favorite Vacation: I love to go places, and I enjoyed every trip I took last year. Our mini-vacay to Las Vegas was great, as was our family vacation in Disneyland over Christmas. But the nod goes to NYC, and a marvelous three days with Shulamith. We are already planning our return visit.

Favorite Movie: This is hard because I didn't see many movies last year. It was fun to see Where the Crawdads Sing because we read it in my book group. It was really well done, though (per usual) the book was better. Second place goes to Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery, mostly because it was so much fun to go with most of my family. We have intensely different tastes in movies, so to find one that everyone enjoyed (even Isaiah!) was an accomplishment indeed.

Favorite Live Theatre Production: This one's a no-brainer. Hadestown.  Don't tell me you wouldn't like it because you don't like Greek Mythology. Yes, I like Greek Mythology, but that isn't why I loved this show. The plot, the amazing score, the acting, everything! If you are in NYC, do not miss this production.

Favorite Book: As always, the hardest decision because I read so many books. I think the prize goes to These Silent Woods by Kimi Cunningham Grant, with an honorable mention to Becoming Mrs. Lewis by Patti Henry. The former is one of those books that is challenging to describe, and it's even harder to explain why I loved it enough to give it my #1 spot. It's just so, so good. You're gonna have to trust me. If you can get it in audio format, I recommend that because the narrator is brilliant. As for Mrs. Lewis, check out this post for all the deets.

Favorite Meal: Shulamith's husband, Mathew, should have been a chef. Or an artist. Or a poet. Or an interior designer. His creativity is boundless, and I am repeatedly surprised by what he can do. But returning to his culinary talents, one Sunday evening, he grilled Shulamith and me filet mignon steaks. No one grills steaks like Matt. I don't know if it's the way he seasons them? I do know we have to buy them soon enough that he has all day to prepare them, so he must do something? This steak melted in my mouth. But that's not all. He also baked fresh sourdough bread with white chocolate and pecans. Oh my! Dang he's good at baking bread. Those two things, rounded out with a loaded baked potato is the best meal I ate in 2022, which speaks volumes, when you consider how much I prefer to eat in restaurants. Honorable mention to fresh NYC bagels with cream cheese, which we consumed each morning we were there. Suffice it to say it's been hard to return to Einstein's after eating honest, NYC bagels. 

Favorite Day: Tuesday, November 8th - Election Day! It was tense at times, but we were all so grateful to see so many R losses and the Dems retain the Senate majority. Hooray!

Favorite TV Show: My 2021 pick for this category was This is Us, and I cried with the rest of the world as we watched this lovely story conclude. So technically, this show takes the award again this year, and it absolutely deserves it. As for my new favorite in 2022, Ted Lasso, the story of an American football coach hired to coach a British soccer team. It's not often enough that we see a genuine, multi-dimensional character, who is such a nice person. Flawed like the rest of us? Of course! But to his core, Ted is just a good human. And the show is hilarious. Give it a watch.

Favorite Blog Post: I'm choosing the post called Rona Round II, partly because it placed second for the year in number of pages views, just behind the post on Jane's blessing, but also because I feel so much relief to be past much of he upheaval the pandemic created in the past three years. The return to normalcy in life is most welcome. 

Favorite Party: My Rainbow Assembly's reunion in Portland in June. I think it's uncommon to have such a tight group of friends from so long ago, but these girls, my Rainbow sisters, are my longest lasting friendships to date, and I am forever grateful for them. We don't see each other often, and yet, the bond can't be severed or diminished with time.  

Favorite New (to me) Restaurant: Aubergine. I'm not usually a fan of restaurants that claim only healthy options, but this place has the best avocado toast, and I love avocado toast! If you do too, you should try theirs.

Favorite Story from the Scriptures: Hosea! In our church's "Come Follow Me" Sunday School curriculum, we studied the Old Testament last year. Many people don't love this particular book of Scripture, but I sure do, and teaching Gospel Doctrine motivated me to dig deeper into this book than I ever had before. I learned so much from the stories and the characters, but the allegorical account in Hosea wins this award. God's relationship with the children of Israel (and with us!) is a story of covenant love; the Lord will allure us with His unparalleled mercy.

Favorite Ballet: Lifehouse Dance Academy's production of The Nutcracker, in which Shulamith's 8-year-old daughter, Kennedy, had four parts, including her favorite: the Black Sheep. I had a delightful time watching her in all four performances. Click here for more.

So that right there closes out the year. May your 2023 be filled with favorites!

I don't need that!! (My 2022 must haves)

In the late 1990s, when cell phones were gaining popularity, I remember saying to everyone who'd listen to me, "I do not need a cell phone. Seriously. I'm not that important. If people want to talk to me, they can leave a message on my answering machine, and I'll call them back."

...and we all know how that turned out.

A few years later, when text messaging became a thing, I made similar comments. Why would I need to write stuff to people when I can just call them? In 2005, my brother drove out to Billings to visit me and basically told me I needed to activate text messaging on my phone. So I did.

...and we all know how that turned out. 

This past year I've discovered several new things that I thought I didn't need, but now can't live without. None is as life changing as cellular phone technology, but still. Allow me to share with you my new "must haves."

1. Stanley insulated cup. I'm definitely late on the bandwagon with this one, but Shulamith and Seth gave me my first Stanley for Christmas 2021, and within a week, I was hooked. I've tried several other brands of cups, but none compare. It's not just that they keep liquid cold for hours and hours, even in hot cars, but something about the design of this cup makes it uniquely amazing. I eventually bought a second, for when I leave one at Eli and Amanda's house (which happens regularly). Okay, full disclosure: Sometimes I take both my Stanleys and fill them up with fountain Diet Coke from the gas station, so I have it all day. Hey, no judgement! I live in the Bluffdale wilderness, remember?

2. Car wash unlimited pass. This always seemed like a silly, unnecessary luxury, but now, instead of waiting until my car is so dirty I can't stand it a second longer, I just run through the car wash whenever I feel like it. Sometimes that's once a week; sometimes it's more. Sometimes I clean it thoroughly, using the cool automatic mat washers, powerful vacuums, and clean moist towels; other times I just run through the wash. Guys...if you like a clean car, this pass is only $19/month and so, so worth it. 

3. Nike slippers. I've never been a slippers person. I prefer to be barefoot in my house, and when it's super cold, socks work fine. At least that's what I thought until my mom gave Shulamith, Amanda, and me each a pair of Nike slippers. Ahhhh! Now my feet are enveloped in a cloud of soft puffiness. I literally can't wait to put them on whenever I come home. The rubber-like sole is durable, so I can even wear them outside. Mine were a gift, and they're not cheap, but yes, I will buy my own one day when these wear out. 

4. Audio books. Again, super late to the party on this one. Some of the women in my book group listen to audio books even more than they read. Reading is my happy place, my escape from reality, and, ironically, a special escape from reading boring, poorly-written, student essays. My internal bargaining goes like this: "If I grade five more essays, I get to read for an hour." Motivation, I tell you! This past year, I tried my first audio book. I didn't think I'd be able to stay focused, but I surprised myself. I listen to books when I'm cleaning the house, commuting to school, or on those rare (and sad) occasions that Shulamith is unavailable to walk with me. They are a great alternative to music, and now I'm enjoying even more books than I did before.

5. Microblading. Sometimes you have to be a little high maintenance in order to be low maintenance on the daily. That's how I feel about my new microbladed eyebrows. My natural eyebrows suck. Bad. They are thin, even bald in places, and way too light. So I used to spend more time creating decent (not good, mind you) eyebrows than I spent on all my other makeup put together. Ugh! Welcome, microblading! Now I wake up to lovely brows that require minimal effort. I'm sold!

6. Tamar. Tamar is a robot vacuum. I named her after one of my favorite heroes in the Old Testament, one of Jesus's grandmas. Again, I thought such an item was unnecessary. Surely, I can vacuum my house by myself as I've done forever. But then Eli and Amanda got Lester, their robot vacuum, and when I saw what he can do, I decided to try one. I'm shocked by how much dirt Tamar picks up. I run her pretty much every day, yet every day she's full of lint, dust, crumbs, and dog hair. 

7 A home office. My job is around 80% work from home. My schedule changes every semester, but it always includes some sort of combo of online classes, hybrid classes, and livestream broadcast classes. And even in my fully face-to-face classes, I still do all the prep and grading at home. I'd never thought about creating a home office because we've always had kids living with us, kids who needed bedrooms. Seth is a college student and in and out, so he definitely still needs his own bedroom here, but a few months ago, Isaiah moved out, and I'm fairly sure he won't be back. Suddenly, we had an empty bedroom! My mind raced to the idea of a home office, where I could work in a pleasant environment, just for me, uninterrupted by distractions, and decorated to be the calm, refuge I need. 

I'm not there yet. In Eli's words, "This is isn't an office, Mom; it's an empty room with a desk in it." True, Eli, very true. Give me time. I already added a utility cart to organize all my stuff. No one loves organization more than me; I get happy just looking at it. I will eventually add furniture and artwork (Deseret Book, anyone?), maybe a plant or two. I'll get there.

What are your favorite things that you thought you didn't need?