All Because I Didn't Get a Bundt Cake!

In order to understand this particular post, you will need to know two things. Most of you already know the first, but possibly not the second:

1. I suffer from a chronic anxiety disorder, that (when it's at its worst) specifies itself to intense, irrational fear of terminal illnesses.

2. On 103rd and State Street in Sandy, right across the street from The Shops at South Town, in an inconspicuous strip mall, sits a tiny establishment called Nothing Bundt Cakes.

What do these two facts have in common? More than you'd think.

This past month my stupid anxiety has been ridiculous. As in terrible. Really. Really. Sucky. Blah. My whole body has been locked in high alert, the "fight or flight" response, my mind consumed with thoughts of dying, which in turn produces symptoms of one disease after another, and can you see the downward cycle here? Sleep becomes impossible, leaving me both exhausted and terrified and unable to fix either.

Quick shout out to my awesome family: Even after years of dealing with my anxiety, they're still around. Eli and Amanda brought up incense and lotion, both designed to be calming and to decrease stress. Shulamith googled all my symptoms and repeatedly reassured me that I am 100% healthy. I had promised myself I wouldn't wake Gerald up, because he doesn't get nearly enough sleep as it is, and he can't really help anyway, but I reneged on that promise one of the nights, when it was 3:00 a.m. and I hadn't slept at all, and the following day was Easter, and I had so much to do! Many people would have given up on me years ago, but these guys hang in. They are my team.

The other team member is Emily, my friend and walking partner. She likes to figure stuff out (and she's very good at it), so together, we speculated about what might have triggered this recent episode. Yes, I'm a little extra anxious about Seth this transfer, but no, I don't think that's enough to send my anxiety brain to this degree of crazy. Could it be the stress of trying to juggle two schools? Well it certainly didn't help that last week was the final week of winter semester at Salt Lake Community College AND the first week of spring semester at LDS Business College. No lie. I thought I had a handle on it, until Tuesday when I was was rattling on about my new classes at LDSBC, and Shulamith said, "So you're not going to SLCC tomorrow?"

Wait...what????

"Noooooooo. I have face-to-face classes at 11:30 at two different colleges tomorrow. What am I gonna do?"

Olivia Pope (aka Shulamith Webster) to the rescue. She offered to teach the last day of my SLCC class, so I could go to the first day of LDSBC. All's well that ends well, but oh my goodness!

Still, none of this is sufficient to trigger the heightened response of the past month. The only other thing I can think of is the lack of a bundt cake. You see, often (okay, too often), when Shulamith and I happen to be out at the mall in Sandy, we'll make a quick hop across the street to Nothing Bundt Cakes and each pick up our own little individual bundt cake. For a few weeks, we did this weekly. And then we didn't. I don't think I've had a bundt cake in like FOUR WEEKS!

I know chronology doesn't always equal causality, but I'm not taking any chances. It's not worth the risk, now that I'm just beginning to feel better. Shulamith, if you're reading this (and I know you are), we are getting bundt cakes tomorrow. Plan on it.

"Mom! You're gonna be so proud of me!"

Near the end of our video chat this morning, Seth exclaimed, "Mom! I almost forgot. You're gonna be so proud of me! Are you ready for this? Can you even handle it?"

"Well first off, I'm already so proud of you. Not sure I could be any prouder. But okay, tell me."

"I'm playing the piano every week in Sacrament Meeting!"

"Okay, you win, Seth. I'm even prouder than I was five minutes ago."

Back story: Seth was 11 years old before he started piano lessons. His older brothers, Isaiah and Eli, started much earlier, at ages 8 and 6, respectively. The truth is when we lived in Montana, I sort of dropped the ball finding Seth a teacher. I was so busy with everything that I just didn't do it, even though he kept asking for lessons.

When we moved to Utah in 2011, one of my first tasks was to find Seth a piano teacher. He started lessons right away, and we were blindsided by how quickly he progressed. Turns out he had more natural talent for piano than either of his next two older brothers. I regretted not finding him a teacher in Montana.

Fast forward three years. At age 14, Seth had a solid foundation, and I so wished he would continue lessons through high school like Eli did, but alas, he chose to stop, just as Isaiah did at around the same age. I'm not one to force my kids to do extracurricular activities. They get to decide. Seth didn't play piano at all through high school, but before he quit, we had a little conversation that went like this:

Seth: I'm tired of piano.
Me: I'd like you to at least finish out this school year.
Seth: Why?
Me: Because one day, you might go on a mission to someplace far away, where no one in your branch plays the piano. The members there will be so grateful that you can play and can share your talent to bless them in that way.

And here we are. Right there. Did I call it, or what?

Apparently, Seth's branch had a guy who played, but then he had back surgery, so they were just singing with no accompaniment. Seth approached the Branch President: "Uh, I could play, if you need me to. I can do my best." The Branch President was thrilled.

"Mom! You're gonna be so proud of me!"

Oh my little baby, you have no idea.

Conference Reflections: Walk the covenant path!

April 2019 General Conference is now a week-old memory. I just went back and reviewed my 11 pages of notes. Don't get too excited; they are just notes, not full sentences, mostly brief bullet points of what I perceived to be the key points of the talks. If I don't take notes, the talks all run together in my mind, one on top of the next, and by the end of 10 hours, I haven't a clue who said what.

I enjoyed Conference. Really I did, despite the fact that my heart ached, missing my Seth. I brought out his bungee chair, just in case anyone else might want to sit in it to watch Conference with me. No one sat in it, I don't think, but there it was anyway. Memories threw me back to Seth in PJs, setting up this chair in front of the TV, pen and paper in hand for seminary notes, awaiting the General Conference snacks I bring out periodically throughout the weekend. This was my second General Conference without him. Two down; two to go.

I could summarize every talk (remember these 11 pages of notes right here), but you don't have the time or energy for that. Instead, may I highlight just a few things that stood out? If I had to write a cumulative theme for the five sessions, I would call it "Walk the covenant path!" So many talks focused on the steps, both big and small, that we can take to keep ourselves walking that path, as well as what to do when (not if) we slip off.

Like many of you, I always anxiously await Elder Uchtdorf's remarks, and I didn't have to wait long this time because he spoke Saturday morning. My notes on his talk are titled "Dieter the Man!" (Don't be offended. I know he wouldn't be.) Seriously, if any human can take a topic like member missionary work and make it awesome, it's Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He made something challenging seem, well, possible, uh, even exciting. Instead of retreating with closed eyes, hiding from the chance to share the gospel, Elder Uchtdorf suggested that if we walk the [covenant] path of discipleship and share what is in our hearts, we can trust the Lord to work his miracles. "Our job is to love!"

Saturday afternoon, I was introduced to Mathias Held of the Seventy. I hadn't heard of him before, but now I'm pretty sure we're related. My mom's birth name is Held, and it's not that common a name, right? Either way, I loved his talk. He told his personal conversion story, about how he and his wife postponed getting baptized because they felt they needed to know EVERYTHING first. Reading Mosiah 18 and understanding the importance of seeing with both physical and spiritual eyes eventually influenced their decision to make that covenant.

That session concluded with the brilliant rhetoric of my favorite speaker (always), Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He did not disappoint. Just like Elder Uchtdorf, Elder Holland is somehow able to point out where we need to repent, without ever leaving us to feel less than or unworthy, in fact, quite the opposite! His talk inspired and uplifted, while at the same time explaining the need for punctuality at sacrament meeting and for a respectful tone in the chapel, in order to make the sacrament the focal point of our week-long journey along the covenant path. Eli texted the family chat, "I guess I need to work on getting to church on time." My reply, "Yep, until you have a diaper bag with you; then you get a free pass, apparently." Guys, if you missed this talk, stop what you're doing right now (even reading my blog), and go listen to it. Don't read it. You'll miss so much. Listen and watch!

Sunday morning, I was mesmerized by Sister Sharon Eubank. Wow! She explained that while "Satan works to dim our light, Jesus lifts us from grief, pain, and affliction." She also advised us to "step back, and ask Heavenly Father what to let go of" because no, we can't do everything. She concluded by testifying that Jesus reaches out to everyone, even the most marginalized: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Wherever we are, at any moment, we can always take a few more [baby] steps on the covenant path.

The Sunday morning session concluded with President Nelson. A Facebook friend of mine posted afterward, "Well I guess you can't drink coffee while serving your 12-month mission." Ahh, the General Conference rumors! Not gonna lie. The rumor about a shortened mission length for elders had me more than a little bit hopeful. I tried not to be. But I was. Nevertheless, I felt blessed to hear President Nelson speak about other things. I smiled when he counseled those who are not sure they even believe in God to "Start there! Seek experiences with him." And yes, when the Lord's prophet reminds us to "Do it now" because "Time is running out!" I'm inclined to listen.

The final session of Conference was probably my favorite? Maybe? It's hard to choose. It included so many excellent talks. Elder Juan Pablo Villar of the Seventy expressed gratitude for his body. After a week of crazy high anxiety (meaning full-on obsession with fear of fatal illness - ugh), it was good for me to reflect on the gift of my HEALTHY body. His story of going to visit his older brother who was serving a mission, when Elder Villar himself was not yet a member of the Church, and spending 10 hours that day walking the streets, of course made me think of Seth. Elder Villar said, "My heart bathed in love from Heaven." I think Seth would echo those words.

Then Elder Bednar reminded us that our homes should be MTCs, as he reinforced the "home centered, church supported" model for gospel learning. We cannot borrow gospel light from others, at least not forever. "What have you learned this week about the Savior in your home study?" Next, Elder Kyle S. McKay of the Seventy spoke about God's timing. We can have "immediate hope for eventual deliverance," and however long that takes, his kindness will not depart from us.

Finally, my favorite talk on Sunday was by Elder Gerrit W. Gong. He started by asking the question, "Have you ever counted sheep?" Uh yeah. And pigs, dogs, zebras, and salamanders as well, because when my stupid anxiety is misbehaving, nighttime is the absolute worst. None of this counting business ever works, by the way, but the "sheep" image is still comforting, and Elder Gong related it to Easter, as Jesus is both the Lamb of God and the Good Shepherd. He calls us by name, he gathers us by holy covenant, and he admonishes us to minster in love.

And that would be the real message. As we minister in love, we stay on the covenant path. It can't be any other way, I don't think. As I look at the empty bungee chair, I am grateful for so many things, too many to list. But foremost, I am grateful that as I write this, Seth is literally walking the streets of Paraguay, along the covenant path, ministering in love.

Remember that one time when Seth earned seven A's and one F?

Remember that one time in 7th grade when Seth earned seven A's and one F? You may have forgotten, so right here is the link if you want to read about it. Essentially, Seth earned an F in his homeroom class because he failed to fill out his planner, declaring that "Planners are a waste of time and space." I had forgotten about this until just this morning when I had the delightful opportunity to video chat with my favorite missionary. Shulamith was on the call as well, and she asked him what his least favorite thing about being a missionary is. Holding up his missionary planner, he replied, "Filling out this stupid planner."

Bahahaha, some things never change. Man, he hates filling out planners.

What has changed, though? His maturity level. As he showed us his planner today, I was struck by how thoroughly and precisely it was filled out. He may not enjoy this, but he does recognize the importance of planning with his companion, so they have goals and can make the best use of their time. And he does have faith that obedience will bring forth the blessings of success on the mission. He is, indeed, "all in"!

Reading this post from six years ago made me smile, and cry, and smile again. Goodness, I miss this kid. But I couldn't be prouder of the way he is growing and responding to his role as a representative of Jesus Christ. Each week, I am more amazed by him.

We ended our chat with him asking me in Spanish if I would commit to watching one session of General Conference this weekend. (I'm a General Conference junkie, who watches all five sessions no matter what, so this was pretty hilarious.) Yes, Elder Erichsen, I will keep that commitment. Meanwhile, you keep filling out that planner. Even if planners are a waste of time and space.