300. Today is New Year's Day, 2024, and we planned to meet Eli, Amanda, and Jane for lunch. Swen was super slow to get ready, and Shulamith texted me to say she'd be late to pick me up as a result. On the way to the restaurant, Swen explained to Shulamith why he took so long to get ready.
Swen: I wanted Eli and Amanda to have to wait for us, because we always have to wait for them.
301. On that same drive to lunch today, I showed Swen a picture of President Nelson and his wife, Wendy.
Me: Look, this is President Nelson with his cute, young wife.
Swen (looking at the picture): Wow, that's sort of like how it is with Gerald and you.
302. And yet again, as we were driving to the restaurant, Swen was throwing things at me from the backseat and trying to hit me in the face.
Me: Stop throwing stuff at me, Swen?!
(He continued to throw even more random items.)
Shulamith: Who has the power in this relationship, you or Swen?
Swen: Definitely me!
(He's not wrong.)
303. I'm here with Shulamith's three kids today because she's at some training meeting, and her kids don't go back to school until tomorrow. Swen got a giant stuffed snake for Christmas. (If you know me at all you know I have a fully irrational, but still very real, phobia of snakes.) Swen has always been very protective of me with regard to this fear; he warns me if he sees pictures of them or toy ones in stores (yes, I'm afraid of both; go ahead in laugh. I don't mind). So today, he brings down this snake stuffed into a big pillowcase, so I can't see it. As I'm trying to get him to take his ADHD medication (PLEASE!), he picks up the pillowcase:
Swen: I have a snake in here, and I'm not afraid to use it!
304. Swen: If you could only save me, Kennedy, and Theodore OR the whole world, which would you choose?
Me: You and your siblings.
Swen: But then the while world would go extinct. Siblings can't get married, so there would be no more people. Unless you would mate with Gerald again to have more kids.
304. Swen: Hey Her. Did you and Gerald ever share a spaghetti noodle?
Me: What?? No. We have our own food. Why would we do that?
Swen: Because I have this feeling that Gerald might have been cute back then. Or did you just marry him for his Porsche?
305. Swen: Gerald is kinda like a dog.
Me: Why do you say that?
Swen: Well, he stays in the basement all the time, like Waffles, and doesn't do anything. And he'll eat anything.
306. I have a bronze statue of three ballerinas at the barre. We always say that they are Kennedy, Shulamith, and me, because we all three danced while growing up.
Swen (pointing at each girl): Oh this one is definitely Mom because she looks like she's about to fall. And this one is Kennedy because she has an ugly outfit. And this one is you because her nose is all pointy.
307. Swen was sick today and home from school. I spent part of the morning with him after I helped Shulamith assess her kindergarteners. Swen talked to me nonstop, asking question after question. I was trying to work on one of my classes as the semester begins Monday.
Me: Swen, just let me get this one thing done, and then I'll stop working and talk to you.
Swen: Her, wait, just one more question. Well....actually 60 more questions.
308. Recently Swen and Shulamith met with Ms. Felt, the principal (and Shulamith's boss) to talk about why Swen doesn't like his rotations group and to problem solve the situation. At one point Swen randomly started talking.
Swen: My mom just thinks everyone should be nice to each other and have peace and love everyone. But there is a war in the middle east. See, Mom, Ms. Felt knows there are wars.
309. In our church, boys receive the Aaronic Priesthood and are ordained to the office of a Deacon at age 11. Here is Shulamith's report of what happened when Swen was recently ordained.
Swen: I don't want a bunch of men putting their hands on my head.
Bishop: Well, how about just four men? Your dad and the bishopric?
Apparently, this was acceptable to Swen, because Shulamith says the ordination occurred.
310. The smoke detector wiring throughout our house malfunctioned, and fire alarms were randomly sounding here and there all evening. I was telling Shulamith that I don't mind the chirping that smoke detectors do when batteries are expired because I've lived with that for decades. But actual LOUD alarms? That's totally different.
Swen: Why didn't you change out the batteries?
Me: Because I don't know how and can't really reach them.
Swen: Her. You are a college teacher and a very mature person. Are you telling me you don't know how to change batteries in a smoke detector?
311. Shulamith and Matt are friends with a guy Matt went to high school with and his wife. Tommy is very slender. (as is Swen).
Swen: Mom, I think I'll always be small. When I'm a grown-up, I'll probably be as small as Tommy.
312. Shulamith and I took her kids to McDonald's for dinner tonight. While we were there, Shulamith asked all of us how she should dress up for the 100th day of school. Kindergarten teachers typically try to dress like a 100-year-old woman.
Swen: Her, why don't you just go there as yourself.
313. So Shulamith was trying to bribe Swen to make good choices at school, so the administration (aka her bosses) don't have to call her to chat about something silly he did. She told Swen that if he would get through an entire week with no phone calls from the school, she'd let him stay up as late as he wanted, all night even, playing Roblox. So by Thursday, no calls!
Shulamith: Swen, you're doing so well this week. I haven't received a single phone call from the school.
Swen: Didn't Ms. Manning [assistant principal] call you?
Shulamith: Uh no. Why would she call me, Swen?
Swen: Well, this one kid was telling me that I'm not a S.W.A T. guy, and I am. This made me mad, so I told my friend to go tell him he's a "nobody." So he did, and then the two of them got in a fight, punching each other. I didn't fight with anyone, but I still had to go talk to Ms. Manning.
Shulamith: But she didn't call me. Why didn't she call me?
Swen: Well, I explained to her that she CAN'T call you, because if no one from the school calls her about me this week, I get to stay up all night night playing Roblox on Friday. So she said, "Well, I guess what you did isn't really that bad, Swen. I won't call her."
314. One day last week Swen was supposed to ride the bus to school because Shulamith had an early meeting. She took Kennedy and Theodore with her but left Swen to ride the but. So of course, he didn't do that, but instead stayed home and watched TV. When Shulamith saw that he was marked absent, she called Swen and told him to get his stuff ready because Gerald would be there in five minutes to pick him up and take him to school. That all went as planned, but later they were talking about it.
Swen: Mom, wanna hear something crazy?
Shulamith: Sure.
Swen: When Gerald drove me to school the other day, I asked him questions, and he answered me. I asked him lots of questions, and he answered all of them!
Shulamith: Why's that crazy?
Swen: Because Gerald has never talked to me in my whole life.
315. Shulamith: Her is picking you up from your Jujutsu class today.
Swen: Oh no! Her is so stupid she will never be able to find the place.
Shulamith: I gave her the directions, she can use GPS.
Swen: No, Mom. Her still won't ever find it. She can't find her way to anywhere. I'll have to stay there all night. I'll have to sleep there. Her is that dumb.
316. Somewhere, Swen heard about the movie, Sin City.
Swen: Mom, have you seen the movie Sin City?
Shulamith: No, but you should ask Dad about it.
Swen: Dad, have you seen the movie Sin City?
Matt: Oh yeah. It's one of my favorite movies.
Swen: Really? That surprises me.
Matt: Why?
Swen: Because you're a nice person and you even go to church.
317. I picked up Swen from his jujutsu class and took him to Walmart, because the $50 he earned from feeding the neighbors' birds and axolotl was burning a proverbial hold in his pocket. As we drove down one aisle of the parking lot, all the spaces on the right were full. There were a couple on the left, but those would require me to make a U-turn in the parking aisle, and no I wasn't gonna do that. So I continued on until we came to an empty spot on the correct side.
Swen: Her, you are so dumb! Why didn't you park back there in those empty spaces?
Me: Because they were going the wrong direction.
Swen: Why can't you ever do anything right? You are the dumbest person I know. Don't you know Jesus is always saying to choose the right, but you never, ever do that.
318. Amanda gave me a mouse pad with Jane's picture on it a long time ago, like well over a year. Yet Swen is still unhappy about it.
Swen: Isn't it sad that Her loves Jane more than us?
Shulamith: Why do you think Her loves Jane more than you?
Swen: Because she bought a mouse pad with a big picture of Jane on it.
Shulamith: I don't think she bought it; I think Amanda gave it to her.
Swen: What kind of person would think their child is so special that they would give their mother a mouse pad with a huge picture of their child's face on it?
319. This past week was Easter. Immediately following a congregational hymn "Christ the Lord Is Risen Today," Swen and Shulamith had the following conversation:
Swen: Why are all these people singing so loud, with big silly smiles on their faces?
Shulamith: Maybe because it's Easter, and they were really feeling the Spirit.
Swen: WHAT do you mean "Spirit"????
Shulamith: The Holy Ghost. When you feel really close to our Heavenly Parents and Jesus, so you feel so happy inside.
Swen: I have NEVER felt like that. And I would certainly never sing like this (big, fake smile on his face, bobbing his head, pretending to sing).
320. Shulamith walked downstairs wearing a denim jacket.
Swen: Mom, you have your clothes on inside out.
Shulamith (glancing down at her clothes): No, this is right.
Swen: Mom, you're wearing jeans on your arms.
321. Swen auditioned and was cast in a play at his elementary school a while back. Now that the performance is coming nearer, he needed to make few things clear.
Shulamith: I am so excited to see you in your play!
Swen: Okay, But I don't want you to act all weird.
Shulamith: what do you mean?
Swen: Like you do at Kennedy's dance recitals. I don't want you being all weird and loud and shouting things like [high voice] "Oh, yay Swen!!! Hooray!!!"
Shulamith: I don't really shout, Swen.
Swen: Oh you do. And I also don't want you to get tickets for you and everyone in your family to sit in the front row. I ant you in the back!
322. Swen is going to the temple tonight with the youth from our ward to do proxy baptisms. Shulamith was explaining to him what it is, why we do it, how cool it is, and what to expect.
Swen: Well, it's kinda creepy that a bunch of dead people are waiting around there to be baptized.
323. Swen: Her, do you wanna know what I tell my friends when they ask me who you are?
Me: Sure.
Swen: I say you're my aunt. Is that good?
Me: Well, it's not true, but it's not bad, so sure.
Swen: Maybe I'll just tell them you're an unknown being that is with our family a lot.
324. Traffic was unbelievable awful tonight, especially on Redwood and Porter Rockwell. Shulamith had to drive Kennedy to dance; then come back and get Swen, Theodore and me; drop Swen at Jujitsu; before we headed to Theodore's school to watch him in his DLI Spanish program. She was doing her best, but the wretched traffic made it so Swen would be 10 minutes late for Jujitsu. He was not happy about that.
Swen: I'm going to be late for Jujitsu, and it's all Kennedy's fault and her stupid dance.
Shulamith: No, it's the traffic's fault.
Swen: It's Kennedy's fault and also Theodore's and his dumb program.
Shulamith: Nope. It's traffic.
Swen: We can't blame cars for things. They're not real. We have to blame a person. Hey, maybe we can blame Jane!
325. Swen: I have a crush on Lilly still. Theodore, who do you have a crush on?
Theodore: Nobody.
Swen: Who is it? Max?
Theodore: No, he's a boy. That'd be weird.
Swen: Mom!! Theodore is being homophobic!
Shulamith: No, it's just that Theodore isn't gay, so it would seem weird to him to have a crush on a boy. He's not being homophobic.
Swen: Oh, okay, good.
326. Swen: Let's take the leftovers to Gerald. He'll eat anything. He's like a hog.
327. Shulamith had just baked cookies for something she was going to that evening. As she turned around quickly, all 12 cooies slid off the cookie sheet and into the sink.
Shulamith: [some sort of phrase that my have included swear words.]
Swen: Mom, those cookies are ruining our family.
328. I picked up Swen to taek him to Jujutsu, but I was texting someone, so I hadn't started the car yet, and Swen was feeling impatient.
Swen: Her! Am I gonna have to yell at you? I don't want to have to yell at you, but you need to start this car and go!
329. Swen recently returned from a week at diabetes camp. He really likes it there.
To his mom:
Swen: Camp is my first home. Our house is my second home.
To me:
Swen: Her, camp is just so uch fun. One day you'll understand.
330. Swen was mad at Shulamith for some reason. Most likely, he wanted something and she wouldn't buy it, or he wanted more time on his phone, and she wouldn't give it to him.
Swen: You're the worst mom ever.
Me: Swen! Stop saying that. You have the best mom. You are so lucky to have her.
Swen: No she isn't. She needs to read a parenting book.
331. So I run outside and jump into Shulamith's car, as I do most days, and Swen is in the seat right behind me. He immediately grabs my seatbelt to lock it tight, then puts his left foot up over the headrest and onto my shoulder. (This is a very common occurrence.)
Swen: Oh sorry, Her. I didn't know you were there.
332. Swen loves washing machines and has researched them fully, so when I decided to replace my washer/dryer set, he was excited to participate.
Shulamith: Let's go with Her to buy a new washing maching and dryer.
Swen: You don't get to help her make this decision. I'm in charge."
(I actually changed my mind and chose a front loader, based solely on Swen's research and insistence that they are better than top loaders.)
333. I recently bought a new MacAir laptop, and Swen wants my old one. But I'm gradually transitioning to my new machine and not quite ready to part with my old one, even though it's seven years old, not running well, and barely holds a charge.
Swen: Her, give me your old computer.
Me: Not quite yet.
Swen: Give it to me. Mom said I can have it, and she's usually in charge of you.
334. Shulamith was checking Swen's backpack, homework, etc., and she came across a math assignment he had done. It was a story problem that began, "George needs help with his homework. Help him solve this problem."
...to which Swen wrote, "I am not going to help George with his homework. George can do his own homework. Womp womp. Poor George."
335. I got new end tables for my living room. After Swen saw them, he had this to say to his mother:
Swen: Mom! Why is Her's house so nice and decorated and ours is still so ugly with nothing?
336. Swen: Mom, can we go to In-N-Out tonight?
Shulamith: No, Dad took you there two days ago.
Swen: Okay. When I'm rich one day, I'm going to eat out like once a week.
337. Swen is in middle school for the first time, where they have actual grades.
Swen: Mom, is a "D" a good grade?
Shulamith: Well, not really, no. But it's passing, at least.
Swen: Good. Cuz that's pretty much what I'm aiming for. Maybe with a couple C's.
338. Swen: Why doesn't Gerald get in any car wrecks, the way he drives?
Shulamith: I don't know. He's very lucky, I guess. Because he drives way too slow to be safe.
Me: Jesus really loves him.
Swen: I wonder why Jesus doesn't love you, Her. I know you really like Him.
338. Shulamith: Swen, when we get home, we need to work on your homework.
Swen: No!!
Me: Swen, you do need to do your homework, and be glad Mom wants to help you.
Swen: Really Her? Is this why Luke never comes to visit? Because you mad him do homework?
339. Swen has his first Jutitsu competition last weekend. Before he even got to compete in a match, there was a fire in the break room of the sports center.
Swen: This is the bst competition I've ever been to!
340. Swen: When am I gonna see Kylee again? I have a Pokemon card to give her.
Shulamith: I don't know for sure. It could be Christmas.
Matt: Are you asking about my cousin, Kylie?
Swen: No! I don't even know who that is. I'm asking about Seth's girlfriend.
Matt: She is just a girlfriend, Swen; she is not his wife.
Swen: Well when are they gonna get married?
Shulamith: Swen, they've only been dating two months. It's way too soon. Dad and I dated for eight months before he proposed.
Swen: What the heck, Dad? It took you that long to decide?
341. Kennedy always illustrates my Christmas letter. She had for several years.
Swen: Why does Kennedy always get to draw on your Christmas card? Why don't I ever get to?
Me: I didn't know you wanted to, Swen.
Swen: Yeah, I could draw a guy robbing a bank, or a giant car crash where everyone dies, planes exploding in the sky.
Me: That is not what I had in mind for my Christmas cards, Swen.
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