What's in a Name?

What's in a Name?

I am prompted to write this post as a result of a recent thread of discussion on the Facebook wall of one of Gerald's virtual "friends." Up until two days ago, she was not my friend; I had never even heard of her. However, Gerald commented on her status; I read it; I read what others had to say, including one sexist bigot (sorry, but he really is); and before long, my anger got the better of me. I added this woman as a "friend," because I had to comment myself.

The topic? Names. More specifically, the cultural tradition in this country for women to change their last names to their husbands' last names when they marry. As anyone who follows this blog regularly already knows, I chose not to follow that tradition. In fact, I never even considered it. As Gerald pointed out in this Facebook thread, "We have been married 20+ years, and we have never had the same last name. This has not hurt us or our children." And why should it?

This business of name changing is not a law, civil or spiritual. It's purely cultural. Back in the 1980s, Gerald and I both believed that fewer and fewer women would make this choice as time went on; we were wrong. I am positively baffled by it, but even today, the vast majority of women in this country still opt to change their last names upon marriage. And that is okay...IF (and it's a big "if") they are fully aware it is a choice, and they are fully aware of the consequences. I have spoken to many women, even those who married recently like in the past ten years, who tell me they really didn't know they had a choice. They thought it was something they had to do. It was expected of them.

And that is the problem. No woman should feel pressured to give up her own last name, the name she was given at birth, the name she has used all her life, just because she falls in love and gets married. Changing one's name is a choice; it is not a requirement or expectation of marriage. Those who opt not to change are not any less committed to their marriages, nor do they love their husbands any less than other wives. I know how silly those ideas sound, but trust me, I have heard both. We need to educate our daughters (and our sons too, for that matter) on this subject, so young women (and older ones as well) don't go blindly into a decision which can be difficult and expensive to revoke.

Here are some consequences of that decision:

1. If you change your name, in time, hardly anyone will remember your birth name; it will be as though it never existed.

2. Some people will forget even your first name and will address you and your husband as "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" (or whatever his name happens to be). How utterly and oppressively sexist! But it will happen. I promise.

3. Just short of this, some people will refer to your family as "The John Doe Family," as though you aren't even there.

4. You will give up the option of passing on your last name to some of your children. One alternative is to at least give your birth name as a middle name to your children, but if you don't do that, none of your children will carry any part of your name.

5. Friends from the past could have difficulty finding you and reconnecting. In some cases, this could be a good thing, but in most cases, it's a giant hassle.

6. If your marriage should end in divorce (and I seriously hope it does not, but life is not always predictable), you then carry the name of a person to whom you are no longer married, unless you reclaim your birth name or remarry and change yet again. I have one friend who has had four different last names in her 40-year life. This cannot possibly be fun.

I'm sure there are some positive consequences of changing one's last name, but from my perspective, they can't begin to outweigh the negative.

What's in a name?

LOTS.

Be very certain before you decide to give yours away.